Monthly Archives: February 2013

Breaking Report: Man’s Best Friend Shoots Man

A Florida man was in his truck with his dog when, in a shocking move that caught the man completely by surprise, the dog suddenly kicked a gun that was on the truck’s floor. The gun went off, shooting the man in the leg.

“I was driving down the road with Rover like I always do – Rover loves going for rides – when my dog kicked my unloaded .380 pistol which I always just leave laying on the floor of my truck because you never know when you might need it and it was unloaded so it was perfectly safe. Then my unloaded gun fired, shooting a bullet into my leg. It happened so fast. I heard a boom, then I saw smoke, then I felt a burning sensation in my leg. At first I thought maybe one of them atomic bombs had gone off and got mighty scared. Then I thought maybe it was a miracle and that scared me too.”

He was surprised to learn that not only was his gun loaded, it was actually a 9mm weapon, not a .380. “But I know the gun wasn’t loaded. So how in the world?” He turned and looked at his dog.

The police ruled the shooting accidental.

I’m not making this stuff up

You’re minding your own business, out for a breath of fresh air as you take your dog for a quick walk around the block with your 12 year-old son.

Suddenly, you spy a plastic bag on the sidewalk. Naturally, anyone with any amount of curiosity is going to look into the bag to see if there’s anything worth taking. But this is the Bronx in New York City. So, as you move to open the bag  and notice a car circling the block, you know it can only mean one thing: whoever is in that car wants to take the bag away from you.

So you do what any paranoid scavenger in the Bronx does: you take the bag around the corner and look inside, where you spy two hands and a shoulder.

At this point, do you do what normal people do? Do you scream and throw up?  Of course not! This is the Bronx in New York City: you’re not even surprised. You do what anyone in that neighborhood would do: send your 12 year-old son home to call the police and – this is the important part because you have to have your priorities straight – you leave the bag there and continue to walk your dog.

Then, when you come upon a suitcase two blocks away and your dog sits down next to it, do you do what normal people do and decide maybe you should wait for the police?  Of course not! This is the Bronx in New York City:  you’re going to open the suitcase to see if there’s anything worth taking.

So you open the suitcase, only to be disappointed because all that’s inside is a woman’s torso wearing a bra. At this point, do you do what normal people do? Do you scream and throw up?  Of course not! This is the Bronx in New York City. You’re going to keep walking your dog! But by then the police arrive and keep you from finding the plastic bag further down the street that contained a leg and a foot, and the nearby black suitcase with a leg and the woman’s head.

Seriously.  I’m not kidding:

Another Top 10 List

As we head into the election season for, among other things, Supreme Court Justice, a refresher about the job might be helpful.

Top 10 Reasons to be a Supreme Court Justice:

10.You can honestly say you’re one of the Supremes.

9.  Wherever you go you can chant, “Here Comes da Judge!”

8.  Black never goes out of style.

7.  You’re always ready for funerals.

6.  “One size fits all” robes never pinch your waist.

5.  Gavels make great nutcrackers.

4.  You can finally get even with all those people who wouldn’t let you cheat off
their exams in law school.

3.  If you don’t snore, you can sleep with your eyes open and no one will know.

2.  People think you’re smart when you shout out cool Latin phrases like “Carpe
Vitro Veritas.”

1.  Nobody knows when you’re naked under your robe.

Top 10 Reasons NOT to be a Supreme Court Justice in Wisconsin

10. Not allowed to make lawyers walk on hot coals for personal enjoyment.

9.  The other justices make weird faces when you chant, “Here Comes da

8.  Annette Zeigler insists on being called “Supreme Ruler of Planet Barbie.”

7.  David Prosser doesn’t think it’s funny when you flush all his copies of “Mein Kampf” down the toilet.

6.  They won’t let you keep a llama in your office.

5.  Real judicial decorum means you can’t call the Chief Justice a “bitch.” (Even if you can choke people if you want to.)

4. Because, when campaigning for re-election to what on paper is a non-partisan office, even though you are “neutral and independent“, people accuse you of being a party hack just because you attend Republican events, choose the former executive director of the Wisconsin Republican Party as your campaign advisor,  choose as his assistant the former deputy director of the Wisconsin Republican party and most recently Wisconsin political director for the Republican National Committee, have as your bookkeeper the same person who is also Republican Gov. Scott Walker’s campaign treasurer and your campaign donor list is a who’s who of Republican leaders, including Republican Gov. Scott Walker’s campaign chair, who, only by coincidence, was general counsel for the Republican National Committee from 1996 until 2000, was the Republican National Committeeman for Wisconsin during 1984–2002, and was a delegate to Republican National Conventions from 1984 to 2000.

3.  Scott Walker won’t shut up about his trip to Cali.

2.  Even though you deserve it, nobody ever plays the Darth Vader theme music when you enter the room

1.  Prosser is naked under his robe.

When will it stop?

As if I didn’t have enough to worry about: fiscal cliffs, sequesters (which Michelle Bachmann still believes are those giant trees growing in parks in California), asteroids the size of Chris Christie whizzing past earth with only a few millimeters to spare, and exploding meteors, every day I wake up and learn there’s something new to fear.

Like unintentional self-immolation through spontaneous combustion. You know, the people who are just sitting there, sipping a cup of hot cocoa, watching reruns of The A-Team when suddenly every cell in their body goes “fzzzt” as their internal temperature  instantly soars from 98.6 to Farenheit 451 and the next thing you know they’re just a pile of ashes and they wasted $500 on that pre-paid cremation package they bought last year.

Makes it hard to finish a conversation. “So how about them Packers fzzzt.”

Yes, I know it’s rare – but I doubt that’s any consolation to Danny Vandandt, whose charred remains were just found in his home in Tulsa, Oklahoma, baffling local authorities.

I’m betting the key is avoidance. Which might be tricky because no one (aside from conspiracy theorists who watched The X-Files) really knows how it happens. One author has proposed three possibilities:

1. Small, high-powered atomic particles whizzing between the molecules of the body collide, something he calls “the Internal Hiroshima Effect”;
2. Energy flowing up and down the spine becomes unbalanced, triggering a temperature spike;
3. Energy anomalies in the earth.

None of these theories offers me any level of comfort.

1. I have a tough enough time avoiding collisions in my car; I have no control over the trillions of particles whizzing around inside of me. I need to change the subject because I’m starting to hyperventilate just thinking about it.

2. I looked but my body has no thermostat regulating my energy flows. I suspect it’s a birth defect which could prove fatal.

3. This one takes the prize. While I’m trying to not panic as I monitor the orbits of my atomic particles and try to keep my energy flows in balance (I knew I should have mastered feng shui, dammit! Or was it the I Ching? I think I may be in trouble) I’m also supposed to beware of energy anomalies. In. The. Earth. I don’t even know what that means!

What does an energy anomaly look like? How can I avoid it? How does it work? And does this have anything to do with The X-Fil fzzzt.

Survivor: Northwoods

At a meeting of the invitation-only Libertarian Billionaires Club in an exclusive Palm Springs resort, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R) today announced his plan to transform his state’s education system with an innovative initiative, which he claims will give parents and students legitimate alternatives to under-performing, under-funded schools.

In a move Republicans heralded as “bold” and “visionary,” Walker will “level the playing field” when it comes to school funding: Wisconsin students will now battle to the death for state aid.

“When I watched The Hunger Games last week with Tonette and the boys (love that new HD big screen – thanks Diane), I realized how much fun it was to see kids so focused on healthy competition, and how it fit perfectly with my proclamation of 2013 as the Year of Well-Being.

In fact, at first I thought it was a new reality show but then Tonette slapped me on my bald spot and said no you idjit it’s a movie, and, as I rubbed my head, I realized this was really an exciting opportunity for more of my common sense reforms.

So I called a meeting of my Education Policy Advisors at the mansion and, after some hot ham and rolls, we watched the movie together so he would understand my vision. The resulting budget outlines the key provisions which allow students, parents, and schools greater funding parity among all education sectors.

Every child, regardless of their zip code, deserves access to a great education. While it is our goal to help struggling schools succeed, we need to make sure students and parents can choose the best option and make sure each child receives the opportunity for a truly great education even if they come from a poor school district.

To help them help themselves, effective with the new budget:

On an annual basis, each school district will select, by lottery, 2 students (from grades K-12) as tributes who will travel to the MacKenzie Center, which is being reformed into a hunting, fishing, and trapping training facility.

After two weeks of training with a private-sector mentor, they will be released into a fenced private hunting preserve where they will begin their struggle for survival. The entire event will be available for a fee on pay-per-view, with rights sold at my complete discretion for any price – or none, as I see fit.

Viewers will have unique opportunities to participate by donating on-line to my campaign. Sponsors (who did not sign a recall petition) can, for an additional fee, send gifts such as food, medicine, and tools to the young Republican players of my choice. Other donors can choose options designed to enhance the competition, such as ‘release the hounds.’

The sole survivor earns full funding for his or her district for the coming school year.

Because we believe in a hand up, not a hand-out, the hard work of the fallen will not be ignored, preserving an essential safety net for our neediest, while protecting our state’s taxpayers from uncertainty. Their home districts will receive the amount of state aid allocated to the district of each of their victims. So the more you kill, the more you earn. If, on the other hand, you’re a lazy sloucher, our plan will help break cycles of generational dependence and motivate you to work harder to stay alive.

I know those liberal lefties in Dane County will scoff and claim this is unfair, that students from the rich, Republican districts will have an undue advantage, but I say look at the real-life example set by Katniss Everdeen, a poor, white girl from a rural district who won the contest with hard work and the right attitude. With the right attitude, your child can too.”

Live Long and May the Force Be With You

You’ve memorized every word of dialogue from every Star Wars film. (Okay – so maybe just the first three not those pitiful prequels and what is it with those Ewoks? Seriously – three-foot-tall talking chipmunks? What was George Lucas thinking?)

You’ve seen every episode of the original Star Trek, The Next Generation, and all the films including the reboot and pretended you can do that cool neck pinch that Spock does.

You’ve lain awake at night wondering if it’s all over and what, if anything, can ever recapture that magic.

Wonder no longer.

Lucasfilm, J.J. Abrams and Paramount Pictures are proud to announce an unprecedented collaboration.

Coming soon to a big screen near you: “Star Trek Wars IV” (followed by Star Trek Wars V, VI, I, II, and III).

Exploding at warp speed into a galaxy far, far away, comes the extraordinary story of a band of Jedi Knights boldly going where no man has gone before.

Their light sabers extinguished by a strange, unknown force, they must arm themselves only with phasers and photon torpedoes as they explore strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizations, ever alert for signs of the growing power of the dark side.

Watch as James T. Skywalker subdues a Klingon with only his mind tricks!

See Chewbacca and Han Spock push the Enterprise to its limit at they evade a marauding jazz band named “Count Dooku and the Sith“!

Be amazed when Princess Uhura captures an entire squadron of Romulans with only her trusty X-wing starfighter and plucky side-kick R2Sulu!

All this and more starting June 2013!

Coming in June 2014, from Wingnut Films, Peter Jackson launches the first installment of his three-part epic: “Space Lord of the Rings.”

And now for something completely different

Warning: highly irreverent; readers who laugh may burn for eternity.

Papal Possibilities

On Monday, in a surprising move, Pope Benedict the Something astonished the world by announcing his retirement.

Reporters rushed to the Vatican to ask him about it: “Pope Benedict, you’re the first pope to retire in more than 600 years! What are you going to do next?” His Papal Holiness answered, “I’m going to Disneyworld! And then maybe have a cheese sandwich.”

Meanwhile, back in the College of Cardinals

“He retired? Can he do that? I mean, no pope has retired since the Dark Ages!”

“Of course he can do that if he wants, he’s the Pope! He’s infallible!”

“But what’s he going to do? Where is he going to live? He can’t stay here.”

“He’ll do what everybody does when they retire. Move to a nice retirement community, play some shuffleboard, maybe buy an RV and travel.”

Two months later, in a retirement community somewhere north of Rome

Four grey and grizzled men sit around a table, playing poker. One of them suddenly throws his hand down and leaps up. “You dirty S.O.B. – you cheated! I know you did!” Another player says, “Ben, chill out, he didn’t cheat.” “Shut up Vic! If I say he cheated, he cheated! I should know! I used to be the pope! I’m infallible!”

“Infallible, shmallible. Shut up and play.”

That’s it! I’ve had it with you guys. I don’t get the respect I deserve. I’m taking a road trip to see my people.”

The next day

Ben sits behind the gold-plated steering wheel of a stretch-RV, golf cart in tow. Driving along a coastal highway high above the sea, he hums the Hallelujah Chorus from “The Messiah.” He practices his papal blessing as he hums, causing the RV to weave from one shoulder to the other, oblivious to the screams coming from the cars he forces off the road and down the steep drop to the azure waters crashing onto the jagged rocks below.

The next day

Ben waits expectantly in a village square next to a world famous statue of the Holy Virgin Mary. Tourists and locals walk by, ignoring him. As yet another tour group passes without seeking his blessing he slams one end of his walking stick into the cobblestones and shouts, “What’s the matter with you people! Don’t you know an ex-pope when you see one?” “Listen old man, the key word here is ‘ex’ – now would you move out of the way so we can get some pictures?”

A few days later

Two Swiss Colony guards dressed in gaily-colored clown suits and carrying medieval weapons, march back and forth in front of the main entrance to the Vatican. A cloaked figure creeps along the wall nearby, heading for the gateway. One of the guards notices and motions to the other guard. They turn and walk up to the cloaked figure.

“Come on, Ben, we know it’s you.”

“I’m here on a mission from God.”

“Sorry, but rules are rules.”

“You’ve got to let me in! I changed my mind! I still want to be the pope.”

“Ben, we’ve been over this before, we already have a new pope.”

“Please. I’ll do anything! I’ll let you wear my trifecta … I’ll let you borrow the pope-mobile! Anything! All you have to do is ask!”

“Ben, I wish I could help you out but you know that’s not possible. And it’s not a trifecta,  it’s a triregnum and would just give me a headache.”

“Let me in or I’ll smite you with my papal staff!”

“Ben, that’s not a staff, it’s a walking stick. Come on, it’s almost the end of my shift. Give me a break, okay? Tell you what, I’ll give you a lift back to your retirement place and you can tell me again all about that failed exorcism on Dick Cheney.”

Another Ironic Headline

But try not to laugh – it’s disrespectful:

Heart Attack Grill spokesman dies of apparent heart attack”