Category Archives: Stupid
After surviving a recent trip through rush hour traffic, the Pope decided that on today’s highways, maybe prayer isn’t enough, so he climbed the Mount and returned with a new, slightly longer set of Commandments for modern drivers. Remember, these are God’s words. Violate at your own risk.
1. Pick one speed and stick with it. Nothing makes me crazier than the guy in front of me who slows down going up hill, speeds up going downhill and definitely speeds up whenever they’re in a passing zone so I can’t just pass and get away from him. Yes, dammit, I drive a car. Why shouldn’t I?
2. Drivers should drive. Not talk on cell phones, eat lunch, apply makeup, style their hair, read a newspaper or sleep. And definitely not more than one of these at the same time. And you twerps who text and drive? I’ve got a special place in hell for you. Yes. I. Do.
3. Children are not human air bags. In other words, restrain your kids properly in age-appropriate safety seats. Do NOT hold them in your lap. I don’t care if it’s only for a block.
4. People do not make good missiles. In other words, buckle up. I don’t care if it’s only for a block.
5. If you are not disabled, do NOT park in a disabled parking space (I don’t care if you stole someone else’s permit). If you do, you are a lazy, no-good, inconsiderate slob who might find all the air has been let out of your tires while you were in the store for “just a minute.” Or your tires have “disappeared.” Plus I have the power to smite.
6. Yellow means slow down and red really does mean stop, dammit, not giddy up. I mean this.
7. An all-way stop is a stop and wait your turn, NOT a roll and go because you’re more important than everyone else so shouldn’t have to wait. Why do you yahoos think I don’t notice your crap? I do. And I don’t forget it.
8. An all-way stop is a stop and GO when it’s your turn, not a stop and then let’s sit there for ten minutes with me stuck behind you because you’re not sure if maybe you should let everybody else in the world go first and then wait a few minutes more just to see how long I’ll pound my head against the steering wheel. God is NOT supposed to do that, it hurts.
9. If you’re first in the left turn lane and the left turn lane arrow turns green, for crying out loud GO-GO-GO. Do NOT wait until it turns yellow, leaving everyone else still stuck at the light as you go on your merry way. I’m God. I will catch you.
10. If you haven’t used your turn signal, do not turn. Just continue in a straight line until you are far, far away from me.
11. If you want to drive more than ten miles an hour over the speed limit, move to a country with an Autobahn. That’s why I created it, dammit!
12. Blinding everyone else at night with your high beams does NOT make you safer. It does, however, piss me off. Do you really want to piss me off?
13. If you’re driving on the highway and one or more cars are on the shoulder, do not slow down and gawk making everyone behind you for hundreds of miles have to slow down as well, starting a traffic jam that eventually will bring the entire United States interstate highway system to a grinding halt. (I like the United States. I did some of my best work here. What – haven’t you been to Yellowstone?)
14. In parking lots, go a reasonable speed and if you see a parking space for Pete’s sake PARK. Do NOT drive up and down the aisles for thirty minutes looking for a closer space or wait like a vulture for a space to open, engine idling, blocking all traffic while you contribute to global warming. If you do, Al Gore will come looking for you. So will I, but Al scares me.
15. When it starts to rain, do not be afraid; it will not hurt you and you do not need to slow down until you are driving slower than I can walk. Especially if I am stuck behind you.
16. Driving six inches from my back bumper will NOT make me go any faster. Plus I have the power to smite.
17. Four-wheel drive vehicles do NOT stop any faster on ice than the rest of us. For crying out loud, I gave you a brain – start using it!
18. It is never open season on pedestrians. Seriously, I like pedestrians. They are doing all the right things – reducing carbon emissions, loving planet earth, honoring their bodies by getting healthy. Do NOT mess with them.
19. Do not wait until I am less than fifty feet away before pulling out in front of me, making me push my brake pedal to the floor and causing my car to rise up on its front tires and do a little dance. Plus I have the power to smite.
20. If you do not have insurance AND a valid license, do not drive. I’m not kidding.
21. If you’re reading this and wondering what’s wrong with any of the things I listed in the other commandments, do NOT drive. Ever. I mean that. And I will know.
I don’t know how you got my email address or whether I just pissed off someone with a really nasty temper who then fraudulently subscribed me on some far-right-wing-nut web page so that I would forever have my in-box filled with solicitations for donations from “true patriots” who want to help “take back our country” and give “grassroots freedom-fighters the tools they need to fight Big Government and protect America’s liberty.”
I do have to ask – by “grass-roots” do you mean the billionaire Koch-financed effort to convert the government into a subsidiary of Koch Industries?
And did you know that when you say “FreedomWorks” aloud it sounds like “Fweedumwoks” ? Go ahead, try it. It really does. (Which, of course, means Elmer Fudd is actually a furry “true patriot” living on Endor. Think about that.)
Anyway, you emailed me a survey. It didn’t ask any sensible questions so I didn’t respond which is why you decided to send it to me again because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me!
Far be it from me to disappoint you.
You asked me to “rank these issues in order of importance (1-5).” Those issues were as follows:
- Stop libtard bureaucrats from ruining our schools and dumbing down America’s kids with things like science and reasoning skills.
- No gun control because the civil liberties protected in our Bill of Rights must be protected at all costs. If it’s the 2nd Amendment. The rest can be compromised to protect us from Kenyan Muslim Usurpers.
- Stop government spending we don’t need it look at Somalia no government so no government spending and they’re doing okay all they need are enough guns and thanks to the 2nd Amendment we got those.
- Defund ObamaCare: Congress must ensure not one more penny goes to funding that fearsome Godzilla of socialized medicine by spending millions of tax dollars on ineffective votes to repeal the Affordable Care Act.
- Defending the House: We the Tin-Foil Hat People must defend the House and prevent another round of Speaker Nancy Pelosi because she’s like a damn comet that keeps circling back and we much prefer Ted Nugent even if he runs in circles like a rabid three-legged dog biting his own tail.
I’m not being critical but for some reason these “issues” somehow – how do I say this with delicacy, hmmmm – seem completely insane and don’t reflect any issue of any importance to any rational human being.
Because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me, here they are:
1. Climate change. Won’t we all share a hearty laugh when it turns out to be real and we no longer have a place to live?
3. Emails from billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. On second thought, #2 will take care of that.
4. Billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. Oh, wait. Never mind.
5. Billionaires David and Charles Koch. Oh, wait.
#2 should be #1, shouldn’t it?
I’m sure you and your billionaire backers agree, right?
Thief takes off with Jeep warming up at East Towne Mall
Woman watched idling vehicle drive away
“Police said she had left the Jeep unlocked.”
Republican Senator Ron Johnson may be the stupidest member of Congress (a difficult goal to achieve but he may, indeed, be the stupidest one of all time despite what you’ve read about Ted Cruz, Michele Bachmann, Todd Akin, and others).
Why am I painfully aware of this? Because he’s from Wisconsin, the state with which I also (as you may have guessed) have some small acquaintance.
In fact, he’s so stupid he even has his own website: ourdumbsenator.com, which induces sufficient astonished face palms to cause whiplash.
His latest display of Tea Party genius: using federal tax dollars to sue the federal government to make his office staff pay more for their health insurance. Then giving them raises (funded with federal tax dollars) to pay for the higher cost of coverage if his lawsuit is successful.
Because it’s all about protecting the taxpayer.
This may explain why conservatives are so plentiful.
And so easy to trick. All you need is a bible, a flag, and caps lock.
Case in point: an anonymous non-entity (which doesn’t legally exist) calling itself “American Strong” that wraps itself in red-white-and-blue-support-the-troops-god-fearing-patriotism to sell stuff. Successfully.
“Company Overview FOR THE PROUD AMERICAN – SUPPORTING OUR NATION’S HEROES!”
“MOTTO: I will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free.”
“I will trust in my GOD and in the USA! We are the Land of the FREE and the home of the BRAVE…. We are AMERICAN STRONG!”
And the mindless masses just eat it up.
And don’t stop to question any of it. Really. Just wave the flag and right-wing conservatives salute in unison and agree with every small-minded, bigoted, red-neck comment that follows.*
And rush to buy shoddy merchandise made someplace else** (exactly where, they don’t say, but you can bet if it was in the good ole U-S of A they would say so – repeatedly – and in caps) because after all “American-Strong proudly support our nation’s HEROES & those fighting to preserve our HOME.” So all red-blooded true patriots just have to “Help to honor [those HEROES by shopping] at –www.AmericanStrong.com”.
Because when it’s in caps it MUST be true, right? And it’s sold by that great supporter of all things American named “American Strong” – and what could be more American than that?
But wait, there’s more.
American Strong claims it “PROUDLY DONATES SALES BACK TO OUR WOUNDED HEROES, MILITARY CHARITIES, FAMILIES OF OUR FALLEN, AND THOSE IN SUPPORT OF THIS NATION’S HEROES.”
ALL CAPS! SO ALL TRUE!
Except … it doesn’t tell you how much it donates – all sales, some sales, or none. Or exactly how “those in support of this nation’s heroes” get a share. Something I’d really like to know because I certainly “support our Nation’s heroes” so American Strong must owe me my share, right? But when I emailed them to ask, for some reason they never answered.
Or – and perhaps I’m being overly suspicious here – is it possible that American Strong keeps all the sales?
Because here’s the fun part … American Strong …wait for it … “is NOT a non-profit.”
You read that right.
But wait, there’s more.
According to American Strong, “American Strong is not a group, or one person. American Strong is the community, and the nation.”
Maybe that’s why it discloses no identifying information. And hides behind a private domain registration. Because listing all 314 million citizens of the nation would be difficult.
BUT … if you buy something, at checkout you get this message: “PayPal securely processes payments for DCFcreative,llc.”
AND … oddly enough, according to government records, “American Strong” is actually the brain child of DCF Creative, an LLC located in Cypress CA. DCF Creative was created by Dustin C. Fedak. Who lives at the same address.
SO … why is it that none of the charming 22,000+ geniuses who “like” https://www.facebook.com/AmericanStrong have thought about any of this?
The answer may lie here: Multiple Scientific Studies Confirm: Extreme Conservatism Linked To Racism And Low I.Q.
- “Once again Oprah decided to open her ugly disgusting mouth”;
- “Not going to see me lower my flag [for Nelson Mandela], but once he is 6 feet under ill gladly lower for those that gave all for OUR nation.”
- “I question Islam and atheists. The reason it’s frowned upon is because he who resides in our White House is black and a Muslim. It is our RIGHT to question when we think there is something wrong with something.”
- “Because ‘Happy Holidays’ is for Terrorists”
**Printed T-shirts are merely “printed” in AMERICA. Which of course includes 2 continents. And a whole lot of countries other than the USA.
The Question: We have children going hungry, income inequality at historic levels, global warming, catastrophic weather, Republicans across the nation rolling back women’s rights on everything from equal pay to sexual harassment to reproductive choice, yet instead of meaningful, in-depth coverage of these or other vital issues we get mind-numbingly inane animal updates. Why?
Actual headlines I just copied off CNN:
- Stolen dog statue found
- Woman finds snake in potatoes
- Man survives bobcat attack
- Woman rescues hummingbird
- Family allowed to keep deer
- Dog thrives with three legs
- Tiger attacks employee
- Dead leopard found in Indiana
Even though you like yellow roses, you are (and seem determined to remain) a red state. You know who you are and that’s a bible-thumping, state-flag-waving, big-government hating, free-market-loving, regulation-slashing, secession-minded group of Republican cowboys.
I’m cool with that.
You believe in the second amendment but not the first, think prayers and guns should be let into schools but critical thinking skills kept out, and that businesses don’t need to be regulated because as conscientious citizens they will self-regulate.
Your elected officials believe victims of Hurricane Sandy should fend for themselves because that’s what states’ rights, local control, and personal responsibility are all about. Because real liberty means we all must live with the consequences of our choices and if you choose to live in a godless place like New York or New Jersey, when you get devastated by a hurricane of biblical proportions, that’s just the result of your choice (and possibly ordained by God who hates liberals and anybody who isn’t Texan but most especially the heretics who live in places that let gay people marry) and you should pull up your bootstraps and not expect a handout from honest, hard-working people who don’t believe in handouts.
Unless the victims are god-fearing Texans.
Which happened recently when one of those self-regulated businesses blew up, taking a large part of a small Texas town and its residents with it.
After which two Republicans who voted against federal aid for victims of Hurricane Sandy asked for federal aid for the victims in West, Texas.
A request also made by “Lone Star” state Governor Rick Perry who announced that Texas believes in independence in everything but receiving federal tax dollars.
“But we as a nation can’t turn our backs on such terrible suffering” you might say and you are probably right, even if part of the suffering might be because that same governor made so many “business friendly” decisions and, among other choices, reduced oversight and slashed funding to volunteer fire departments – while giving hefty tax cuts to private corporations.
And that West Fertilizer Company (which owns the plant that exploded) is a private corporation.
Which had been storing 1,350 times the amount of explosive ammonium nitrate that would normally trigger safety oversight by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS). But which did not report the potentially explosive fertilizer as it was required to do.
Perhaps because it had a “risk management plan” that said “the company did not believe it was storing or handling any flammable substances and didn’t list fire or an explosion as a danger.”
The same plan that listed the “worst-case scenario” as an “accidental release of [gaseous] anhydrous ammonia.”
The same plan that said “there was no risk of fire or explosion.”
The same plan that “did not cite a possible explosion of ammonium nitrate.”
In a plant that had “no sprinklers. No firewalls. No water deluge systems” or any other safety mechanisms installed.
In a plant that hadn’t been inspected by the Occupational Health and Safety Administration since 1985.
The plant that was storing 270 tons of highly volatile ammonium nitrate fertilizer that should have been reported to the Department of Homeland Security but was not.
So that the volunteer firefighters had no idea they were fighting a fire that could – and did – turn into a massive fireball capable of flattening buildings for blocks in every direction. While they were at the epicenter of that explosion instead of a safe distance away.
Which is why, Texas, I have to ask: shouldn’t this be something your fabled “free market” will resolve to everyone’s satisfaction? With the self-regulating company liable for all the damages and loss of life?
Because, in keeping with your dearly beloved GOP principles, when a private company blows up a town, shouldn’t the private company pay for it? And be held personally – maybe even criminally – responsible?
Isn’t that what a big-government hating, free-market-loving, regulation-slashing, secession-minded group of Republican cowboys would really want?
Thank you and I look forward to your prompt response.
That defender of free enterprise, that bastion of corporate capitalism, the esteemed Wall Street Journal, just published an article detailing a longtime challenge facing McDonald’s: getting its workforce to provide service with a smile.
You read it first at the WSJ: breaking news none of the customers had ever suspected. No one who patronizes the restaurant chain could have known the dark truth that the employees might be “rude or unprofessional.”
The riveting exposé blows the lid off what’s happening behind the counter at McDonald’s: “service is broken.”
In a comprehensive industry comparison of customer service at fast-food chains, McDonald’s consistently tanked.
And of course it has nothing to do with keeping workers part-time, paying minimum wage and offering no benefits. People love jobs like that – especially when it means their skin is permanently saturated with the aroma of eau de fries and they get to wear greasy uniforms.
And of course management understands the problem is completely unrelated to lousy pay.
Nope, highly-paid upper management knows everyone is born with the passionate career goal of “Order Taker” under the bright yellow arches at the home of the revered “Big Mac.”
“The fast-food giant, whose restaurant sales in the U.S. began to slip last year, is pushing franchisees to improve staffing and service amid mounting complaints about rude employees.” Corporate HQ was shocked – shocked! – to learn that “customers find service ‘chaotic.’ “
“But achieving speed and friendliness of service across the chain has been a particularly elusive goal, at least in part because about 90% of McDonald’s restaurants in the U.S. are owned by independent operators.”
That’s right, folks, in a stunning tour de force of insightful analysis, the blame lies not with the company, but with the franchisees!
If only the corporation owned all the restaurants! Then lousy service would never be a problem!
McDonald’s declined to make executives available for interviews, and won’t publicly say what it will do to “address complaints,” other than giving top management more big increases in their compensation packages.
When learning that the reason behind the rise in customer complaints could be because customers now have ways to complain, including the email address on food packaging, the CEO immediately demanded who was the meathead who came up with that bright idea.
According to a memo sent to franchisees, the company is doing several things to improve service, such as providing electric shocks for employees who fail to smile and releasing flying monkeys to attack workers who forget to include ketchup packets in orders.
Under a new “dual point” ordering system that is being rolled out nationwide, the customer places an order at one end of the counter. When the order is ready, a “runner” will dash across a bed of hot coals to deliver it, thanking customers and begging them to come again because otherwise workers get an extra beating at the end of their shift.
“Dual point provides personalized one-on-one service. To the customer, we appear friendlier and better organized.”
Tooth Fairy. Bigfoot. Hassle-free rebates.
Proctor and Gamble, that sexist Satan worshipping corporate alter-ego for the devil incarnate, offers rebates. Lots of rebates. They suck you into buying their stuff by offering you stuff in return. Good stuff like money and cookware.
And you believe it. (Cue evil laugh.)
It starts so innocently. And it’s so easy! Just buy an electron microscope, read the fine print on the rebate form, mail the completed form and required proofs of purchase to the P.O. box in Strongsville Ohio and, in a few short weeks, a set of highly desirable and exceedingly valuable cookware will be yours, free!
And you believe it.
Two weeks later, my envelope was returned to me marked “return to sender – no such address.”
I got out the microscope so I could read the contact number on the form. I called. The people at Proctor and Gamble said that was impossible.
After I explained I was Satan’s niece and could sniff out whoever had stamped “return to sender” on the envelope, they said I could fax or email it to them.
I faxed it, within minutes, writing “Attn: Karen” on it with my phone number, as I was directed.
A few days later, I found a message on my answering machine from Theresa telling me that she understood I wanted to submit my rebate via fax so call her back to arrange it.
Which of course I already had done. And of course the only way Theresa could have my number was if she had received my fax.
I decided, despite possessing Satanic powers, to just scan all the rebate materials and email them.
The next day, I received an email from “Sade” at P&G Promotions, addressed to “Dear Minnesota Wit.”
Yes, you are correct. My name – which is clearly written on everything – is not Minnesota Wit.
Sade promised she had received my “information and will send it over to Special Handling. This process will take 3-5 weeks to get the rebate sent out to you.”
Thirteen weeks later, I started to wonder where it was.
Phone call #1: We have no record of you submitting anything.
Phone call #2: We received your submission, but it was never processed. No, we don’t know why and we have no way of ever learning why someone stuck your submission in a drawer and never processed it. We’ve never heard of “Sade.” Or “Karen.” Or “Theresa.” And we ran out of cookware in December, no sets are available, so we are sending $50 gift cards.
The next day, they sent me this email:
Thank you for participating in the P&G Breast Cancer Awareness Program. Your submission has been received and is currently being processed. Your FREE Pink Cookware set will arrive in 10 – 12 weeks.
The next day, they sent me this email:
Your submission was processed and shipped Fedex smart Post three days ago. You should receive it shortly.
Phone call #3: What does “shortly” mean? Because it’s not happening.
Phone call #4: The last time I called, you said “shortly” actually means 6-10 days but that would mean already here and it’s not.
Phone call #5: The last time I called, you said that 6-10 days actually means 6-10 business days but that would mean here by last Friday and it’s not.
Phone call #6: The last time I called, you said it actually didn’t get shipped until Friday and that it would be here today and it’s not.
Phone call #7: The last time I called, you said it actually shipped on Thursday and that it would be here today and it’s not.
And that’s when they said they were sending me a gift card in addition to the cookware and it should be here tomorrow. Via special delivery by Santa and his team of unicorns.