Category Archives: climate change

Stupid is as Stupid Does

Dear FreedomWorks,

I don’t know how you got my email address or whether I just pissed off someone with a really nasty temper who then fraudulently subscribed me on some far-right-wing-nut web page so that I would forever have my in-box filled with solicitations for donations from “true patriots” who want to help “take back our country” and give “grassroots freedom-fighters the tools they need to fight Big Government and protect America’s liberty.”

I do have to ask – by “grass-roots” do you mean the billionaire Koch-financed effort to convert the government into a subsidiary of Koch Industries?

Just wondered.

And did you know that when you say “FreedomWorks” aloud it sounds like “Fweedumwoks” ? Go ahead, try it. It really does. (Which, of course, means Elmer Fudd is actually a furry “true patriot” living on Endor. Think about that.)

Anyway, you emailed me a survey. It didn’t ask any sensible questions so I didn’t respond which is why you decided to send it to me again because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me!

Far be it from me to disappoint you.

You asked me to “rank these issues in order of importance (1-5).” Those issues were as follows:

  • Stop libtard bureaucrats from ruining our schools and dumbing down America’s kids with things like science and reasoning skills.
  • No gun control because the civil liberties protected in our Bill of Rights must be protected at all costs. If it’s the 2nd Amendment. The rest can be compromised to protect us from Kenyan Muslim Usurpers.
  • Stop government spending we don’t need it look at Somalia no government so no government spending and they’re doing okay all they need are enough guns and thanks to the 2nd Amendment we got those.
  • Defund ObamaCare: Congress must ensure not one more penny goes to funding that fearsome Godzilla of socialized medicine by spending millions of tax dollars on ineffective votes to repeal the Affordable Care Act.
  • Defending the House: We the Tin-Foil Hat People must defend the House and prevent another round of Speaker Nancy Pelosi because she’s like a damn comet that keeps circling back and we much prefer Ted Nugent even if he runs in circles like a rabid three-legged dog biting his own tail.

I’m not being critical but for some reason these “issues” somehow – how do I say this with delicacy, hmmmm – seem completely insane and don’t reflect any issue of any importance to any rational human being.

However.

Because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me, here they are:

1. Climate change. Won’t we all share a hearty laugh when it turns out to be real and we no longer have a place to live?

2. Money in politics. Seriously – fix that and we can fix #1.

3. Emails from billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. On second thought, #2 will take care of that.

4. Billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. Oh, wait. Never mind.

5. Billionaires David and Charles Koch. Oh, wait.

6. Wall Street. Corporate Welfare. Income inequality.

Oops.

Damn.

#2 should be #1, shouldn’t it?

I’m sure you and your billionaire backers agree, right?

And the Answer is:

Rupert Murdoch

The Question: We have children going hungry, income inequality at historic levels, global warming, catastrophic weather, Republicans across the nation rolling back women’s rights on everything from equal pay to sexual harassment to reproductive choice, yet instead of meaningful, in-depth coverage of these or other vital issues we get mind-numbingly inane animal updates. Why?

Actual headlines I just copied off CNN:

Northeast

South

Midwest

West

What part don’t you understand?

This is Mitt’s energy policy:

This is the planet on Mitt’s energy policy:

Any questions?

How to tell the difference between a worthy cause and a lost cause (or when to stop flushing money down the toilet)

Worthy cause: saving people’s lives.
Unworthy cause: saving tax cuts for the rich.

Worthy cause: subsidies to encourage the development of renewable energy.
Unworthy cause: subsidies to big oil.

Worthy cause: helping the areas devastated by Hurricane Isaac.
Unworthy cause: helping the person who just lost her fifth home to a hurricane get a new home.

It only takes one storm surge to teach most people that building homes at sea level near oceans is probably not a good idea.

Most of the people who don’t catch on the first time will probably catch on after losing home number two.

And after home number three is swept away, even the thickest numbskull will pack whatever they can salvage from the flood waters and immediately buy a one-way ticket to Denver (AKA the Mile High City).

Surely no one could lose more than three homes and remain. Okay, so if they stay, surely they would rent instead of buy, right?

“Wait, I’m getting an update from the studio. Is that right, [insert news anchor name here]? We’ve found someone who lost more than three homes and stayed? What? I think you broke up. You found someone who lost FIVE homes and has plans for number six? Did I hear you correctly?”

“Dear sweet baby geezus are you kidding me? Oh – I’m still on the air? Sorry.”

“We’re cutting to our on the spot reporter who, even as we speak, is standing amid the receding flood waters and devastation that was Isaac, talking to the intrepid survivor.”

On the spot reporter: “We’re standing here in the receding flood waters and devastation that was Isaac, talking to the intrepid survivor who has now lost five homes in this area to hurricanes.”

Intrepid survivor: “Yup, I lost a home to a hurricane for the first time back in ’65. That was Betsy, a real whopper that one. Next I lost my home to Juan in ’85 and after that was, hmmm, yup, it was George in ’98 and of course there was Katrina in 2005. And now Isaac.”

On the spot reporter: “And all of these were homes at sea level near the ocean?”

Intrepid survivor: “Of course! Look around you! The entire southern part of the state is at or below sea level.”

On the spot reporter: “After losing five homes to hurricanes, are you thinking about moving to higher ground?”

Intrepid survivor: “I was born here. It’s home, home, home.”

On the spot reporter: “Supporters of the family have created a PayPal account for donations to help them rebuild so that next year, they can say it’s home, home, home, home, home, home.”

Yes indeed, we really are that stupid.

In case you didn’t believe me the first time

“A national survey by FindLaw.com, a legal information Web site, found that nearly two-thirds of Americans can’t name any of the nine members of the Supreme Court of the United States.

In fact, results show that only 34 percent of Americans can name any member of the nation’s highest court, and only one percent can correctly name all nine justices.”

But then, these are the same people who believe President Obama is Muslim, women who have been raped can’t get pregnant, global warming is a hoax, want English as the official language (even though they can’t spell it) and that Elvis has not left the building.

Maybe we should require an intelligence test to vote instead of a photo ID.

When will the madness end?

As if we didn’t already have enough to worry about: massive solar storms, mass extinctions, droughts and skyrocketing food prices, a potential Mitt Romney presidency.

Not there’s this: spiders living in your ear.

It’s officially Armageddon time.

Science? We don’t need no stinking science!

Colorado burns. But there’s no global warming.

Duluth Minnesota receives ten inches of rain in one day. But there’s no global warming.

Wisconsin loses 68% of its maple syrup production due to unseasonably warm spring temperatures. But there’s no global warming.

Hurricane Debby dumps up to 30 inches of rain on Florida. But there’s no global warming.

Rising sea levels threaten the U.S. Atlantic coast. But there’s no global warming.

So far in 2012, the United States had its warmest spring, its warmest year to date, and warmest 12-month stretch on record.

But there’s no global warming.

Deniers claim we shouldn’t be alarmed– the climate has been changing for billions of years. And “if you believe in global warming, you’re like the unabomber.”

Besides, why should you care if that changing climate gets too hot by the end of the century for humans to survive on much of the planet, also killing the oceans and thousands of species?

That’s 90 years away – and you’ll be dead by then.

So let’s drill, baby, drill.