Monthly Archives: January 2013

Yet Another Ironic Headline:

“Teacher claims discrimination due to fear of children”
I’m not making this up.

Live long and prosper.

Wait, that’s not right. That’s Vulcan. What’s written on the (“Made in China”) box of tea that I just bought is: Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor.

Wait a minute.  Live long = Long life. Prosper = Riches and honor.

Dear sweet Jesus – it’s the same thing! Spock was Chinese! China won the space race!

Or maybe not. That’s the English version. I can’t read the Chinese characters, which may just say this isn’t really tea it’s a bunch of random roadside weeds and you stupid Americans will never know the difference.

In fact, it’s supposed to be a box of premium oolong tea (at least that’s what the English letters say – I can’t read the Chinese characters) that I bought because I read that oolong tea is better for you than black or green tea.  And because oolong tea is also known as “Wu Long” which is a great name for a male porn star.

According to the slip of paper inside, it was inspected by “Hu shanjian.” Or maybe not. The Chinese characters may be mocking me, telling me that no one in China is stupid enough to waste their time inspecting random roadside weeds.

That’s why I love buying random odd boxes covered with foreign words. You never know what you’re going to get. This time it was the ad for “Tiger Balm” hidden inside with the tea bags, with “a tiger in every box!”*

Tiger Balm aims to deliver health and well being through proven oriental wisdom. Our belief is that that no one should be constrained from leading a full and active life because of aches, pains and everyday discomforts.

In other words, you will become very active despite your pain when the tiger starts chasing you.

Or maybe not. I can’t see how it would be legal to sell real tigers. Or real tiger balm.  Even if I don’t know what part of the tiger makes balm. I’ll never know, not just because that thought really grosses me out, but because I can’t read the Chinese characters which may just say this isn’t really a tiger  – what’s wrong with you people? You really think tigers make balm? … Sheesh! Spock should have been Chinese. How in the world did America ever win the space race?

*Before anyone gets their BVD’s in a wad and tells me no way could a tiger ever fit into a small box, please recall this is satire. Of course no tiger, or any part thereof, is in the box. A house cat, maybe. But definitely no tiger.

Real Women vs. Reel Women

In my next life, I want to be a Hollywood babe who gets pregnant, has the baby, and leaves the hospital not only 15 pounds lighter but with great hair and no cellulite.

That never happened to me (I left the hospital 15 pounds heavier with my hair looking like I’d slept behind a dumpster for a month). But it does happen to women like Megan Fox, who may not even be a real woman. (I suspect she’s from the Orion system and reproduces via pods.)

In case you are a real woman, so may not know who Megan is, she’s the actress [some people debate that] who appeared wearing very little clothing  in the first two mesmerizing monster truck films, “Really Big Machines That Came From A Galaxy Far, Far Away and Yet Speak American English with No Foreign Accent I & II.”

Anyway, recently she made a public appearance to show off her 9 week “Post-Baby Bod” (one of three Hollywood actress reproductive phases, including Pre-Baby Bod and Baby Bod).

“I only gained 23 pounds when I was pregnant and I’m still 10 pounds heavier, but I don’t want to kill myself trying to get back into shape because it’s not a priority right now.”

Wow. How nice. She gained a whopping 23 pounds. And two months later only has 10 left to lose. That’s how to tell the difference between human females and creatures from the Orion system: human females gain weight when they get pregnant. They have to: they’re pregnant.

If she’d been human her doctor would have told her, “Good lord, if you’re human you’re way too thin. I want you to gain 28 to 40 pounds!”

That’s because when humans get pregnant, they have to allow:
7.5 pounds for the baby
1.5 pounds for the placenta
4 pounds increased fluid volume
2 pounds increased weight of the uterus
2 pounds increased weight of breast tissue
4 pounds increased blood volume
7 pounds maternal stores of fat, protein and other nutrients
2 pounds amniotic fluid
Total: 30 pounds

When aliens reproduce, they have to allow:
7.5 pounds for the baby
15.5 pounds for the pod

Still doubt she’s an alien? She also said, “I felt like I was maybe birthing a vampire baby” and was actually surprised that after the baby arrived, “You never sleep and you’re awake all night.” She rented a night nurse.

Real human parents don’t get a night nurse. They tough it out, arguing for the first 12 months that it’s not their turn, they got up the last time the baby cried. They also stagger around in a daze bumping into walls and dozing off while talking on the phone or taking a shower.

Final conclusive evidence?

After reproducing, humans look like this: “haggard, exhausted and walking into walls, the [new mother] stumbled around in a maternity sweat suit that revealed large milk stains on the bodice.”

After reproducing, aliens look like this: “slim, relaxed and radiant with fresh-faced makeup, Fox beamed in a form-fitting, ivory-toned lace dress with peekaboo details that revealed black lingerie beneath.”

I rest my case.

Where do I begin?

Read this. Don’t ask why, just do it:

A memorial service has been scheduled in Wisconsin on Friday, Dec. 14, for the woman who was driving a stolen car when she crashed into another vehicle on Route 38 in Campton Hills on Dec. 1, killing a Maple Park man and injuring two other people.

We have a woman (with a suspended license) driving a stolen car.  One that she stole. Involved in a hit and run. Then a high speed chase. Then later causes a crash by driving in the wrong lane that, in addition to killing her, kills an innocent young man and his dog, and injures his girlfriend and others.

And an obituary which states that she died as “a result of a motor vehicle accident.”

That’s like saying Nixon resigned the presidency for health reasons.

I understand that despite her being a criminal who killed people, someone may have cared about her. But seriously – even if you think Hitler deserved a memorial service, wouldn’t you keep it private? And quiet?

(And no – I am NOT comparing her to Hitler so please don’t write angry comments claiming I am. I’m just trying to make a point.)