Category Archives: crime

Sometimes Karma Works

Try not to laugh:

Car bomb teacher accidentally kills 21 students“.

Surprise, Surprise

Actual headline:

Thief takes off with Jeep warming up at East Towne Mall
Woman watched idling vehicle drive away

“Police said she had left the Jeep unlocked.”

 

Gotta Love ‘Em

“An alligator that surprised two boys fishing in a Washington County lake was shot dead by a Minnesota Department of Natural Resources enforcement officer, but another alligator remained on the loose Thursday.”

This was necessary because, as the DNR officer explained, “alligators don’t belong in Minnesota lakes and have no business alarming anglers.”

The search for Bonnie continues. You already know the name of her dead partner.

Who you gonna call?

Celebrities are not like the rest of us.

How do we know?

Try this simple test.

You’re in a serious car accident. You’re injured. You might be bleeding. Other passengers definitely need medical attention.

You scramble for your cell phone.

You dial:

A. 9-1-1.
B. 9-1-1.
C. 9-1-1.
D. 9-1-1.
E. Jodie Foster

If you are a celebrity, the correct answer is “E.”

I mean seriously. Call 9-1-1? Why on earth would anyone do that? That just brings the police and EMT’s! Jodie’s buddy Mel Gibson would be the first person after Lindsay Lohan to tell you that’s the last thing you want to happen.

Which is why when celebrity yogurt spokesperson Jamie Lee Curtis was in an accident recently she did the right thing and called Jodie. Who rushed to the scene to help.

Possibly because even though she’s not a real doctor, she’s a good enough actor to play one if she wanted to.

How I know that I’m not the world’s worst Mom

My children tried to give me that honor many times.  But now I can prove that I’m not.

How? Because I’m not her: “Mom Web Searches Gunshot Wound, Delays Bringing Son to Hospital.”

More Karma

Electrocuted copper thief found dangling from transformer

I’m not making this stuff up

You’re minding your own business, out for a breath of fresh air as you take your dog for a quick walk around the block with your 12 year-old son.

Suddenly, you spy a plastic bag on the sidewalk. Naturally, anyone with any amount of curiosity is going to look into the bag to see if there’s anything worth taking. But this is the Bronx in New York City. So, as you move to open the bag  and notice a car circling the block, you know it can only mean one thing: whoever is in that car wants to take the bag away from you.

So you do what any paranoid scavenger in the Bronx does: you take the bag around the corner and look inside, where you spy two hands and a shoulder.

At this point, do you do what normal people do? Do you scream and throw up?  Of course not! This is the Bronx in New York City: you’re not even surprised. You do what anyone in that neighborhood would do: send your 12 year-old son home to call the police and – this is the important part because you have to have your priorities straight – you leave the bag there and continue to walk your dog.

Then, when you come upon a suitcase two blocks away and your dog sits down next to it, do you do what normal people do and decide maybe you should wait for the police?  Of course not! This is the Bronx in New York City:  you’re going to open the suitcase to see if there’s anything worth taking.

So you open the suitcase, only to be disappointed because all that’s inside is a woman’s torso wearing a bra. At this point, do you do what normal people do? Do you scream and throw up?  Of course not! This is the Bronx in New York City. You’re going to keep walking your dog! But by then the police arrive and keep you from finding the plastic bag further down the street that contained a leg and a foot, and the nearby black suitcase with a leg and the woman’s head.

Seriously.  I’m not kidding: http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/Body-Parts-Found-Bronx-Police-NYPD-193246311.html

Where do I begin?

Read this. Don’t ask why, just do it:

A memorial service has been scheduled in Wisconsin on Friday, Dec. 14, for the woman who was driving a stolen car when she crashed into another vehicle on Route 38 in Campton Hills on Dec. 1, killing a Maple Park man and injuring two other people.

We have a woman (with a suspended license) driving a stolen car.  One that she stole. Involved in a hit and run. Then a high speed chase. Then later causes a crash by driving in the wrong lane that, in addition to killing her, kills an innocent young man and his dog, and injures his girlfriend and others.

And an obituary which states that she died as “a result of a motor vehicle accident.”

That’s like saying Nixon resigned the presidency for health reasons.

I understand that despite her being a criminal who killed people, someone may have cared about her. But seriously – even if you think Hitler deserved a memorial service, wouldn’t you keep it private? And quiet?

(And no – I am NOT comparing her to Hitler so please don’t write angry comments claiming I am. I’m just trying to make a point.)

Parolee confesses to 2 murders after stabbed body found in his bed.

Imagine that conversation.

Officer: What’s that in your bed.

Parolee: What bed?

Officer: That bed.

Parolee: Where?

Officer: The one I’m pointing at.

Parolee: Oh. That bed.

Officer: Yes. That one. What’s in it.

Parolee: I never saw that bed before in my life.

Officer: This is your apartment, right?

Parolee: Oh yes. But I have no idea where that bed came from or how it got in here.

Officer: So I have your permission to look in the bed?

Parolee: Well, let’s say, hypothetically, that it was my bed. If – and that’s if – it was, how much trouble would I be in?

Officer: That depends. What’s in the bed?

Parolee: It’s not my bed so I don’t really know, but let’s say a body is in the bed, then what?

But this isn’t the worst part.

Nope.

You see, the police had gone to the parolee’s apartment to question him about a 1993 unsolved stabbing death.

The news report said he wasn’t home. It didn’t say how the officers entered and found a woman. In the bed. Under the covers. Stabbed to death.

The parolee later confessed to yet two other stabbing deaths. (Oh, you found the body? Did you also find the ones I stabbed in 1993?)

The parolee was currently on parole after serving13 years for attempting to murder a young woman by (you’ll never guess) stabbing her.

And that was after spending 17 years in South Carolina prisons following a 1970’s stabbing spree that involved at least seven female victims.

I’m guessing this guy didn’t take rejection well.

But the real question is: what the hell was he doing on parole?