Category Archives: Star Wars

Stupid is as Stupid Does

Dear FreedomWorks,

I don’t know how you got my email address or whether I just pissed off someone with a really nasty temper who then fraudulently subscribed me on some far-right-wing-nut web page so that I would forever have my in-box filled with solicitations for donations from “true patriots” who want to help “take back our country” and give “grassroots freedom-fighters the tools they need to fight Big Government and protect America’s liberty.”

I do have to ask – by “grass-roots” do you mean the billionaire Koch-financed effort to convert the government into a subsidiary of Koch Industries?

Just wondered.

And did you know that when you say “FreedomWorks” aloud it sounds like “Fweedumwoks” ? Go ahead, try it. It really does. (Which, of course, means Elmer Fudd is actually a furry “true patriot” living on Endor. Think about that.)

Anyway, you emailed me a survey. It didn’t ask any sensible questions so I didn’t respond which is why you decided to send it to me again because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me!

Far be it from me to disappoint you.

You asked me to “rank these issues in order of importance (1-5).” Those issues were as follows:

  • Stop libtard bureaucrats from ruining our schools and dumbing down America’s kids with things like science and reasoning skills.
  • No gun control because the civil liberties protected in our Bill of Rights must be protected at all costs. If it’s the 2nd Amendment. The rest can be compromised to protect us from Kenyan Muslim Usurpers.
  • Stop government spending we don’t need it look at Somalia no government so no government spending and they’re doing okay all they need are enough guns and thanks to the 2nd Amendment we got those.
  • Defund ObamaCare: Congress must ensure not one more penny goes to funding that fearsome Godzilla of socialized medicine by spending millions of tax dollars on ineffective votes to repeal the Affordable Care Act.
  • Defending the House: We the Tin-Foil Hat People must defend the House and prevent another round of Speaker Nancy Pelosi because she’s like a damn comet that keeps circling back and we much prefer Ted Nugent even if he runs in circles like a rabid three-legged dog biting his own tail.

I’m not being critical but for some reason these “issues” somehow – how do I say this with delicacy, hmmmm – seem completely insane and don’t reflect any issue of any importance to any rational human being.

However.

Because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me, here they are:

1. Climate change. Won’t we all share a hearty laugh when it turns out to be real and we no longer have a place to live?

2. Money in politics. Seriously – fix that and we can fix #1.

3. Emails from billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. On second thought, #2 will take care of that.

4. Billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. Oh, wait. Never mind.

5. Billionaires David and Charles Koch. Oh, wait.

6. Wall Street. Corporate Welfare. Income inequality.

Oops.

Damn.

#2 should be #1, shouldn’t it?

I’m sure you and your billionaire backers agree, right?

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Live Long and May the Force Be With You

You’ve memorized every word of dialogue from every Star Wars film. (Okay – so maybe just the first three not those pitiful prequels and what is it with those Ewoks? Seriously – three-foot-tall talking chipmunks? What was George Lucas thinking?)

You’ve seen every episode of the original Star Trek, The Next Generation, and all the films including the reboot and pretended you can do that cool neck pinch that Spock does.

You’ve lain awake at night wondering if it’s all over and what, if anything, can ever recapture that magic.

Wonder no longer.

Lucasfilm, J.J. Abrams and Paramount Pictures are proud to announce an unprecedented collaboration.

Coming soon to a big screen near you: “Star Trek Wars IV” (followed by Star Trek Wars V, VI, I, II, and III).

Exploding at warp speed into a galaxy far, far away, comes the extraordinary story of a band of Jedi Knights boldly going where no man has gone before.

Their light sabers extinguished by a strange, unknown force, they must arm themselves only with phasers and photon torpedoes as they explore strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizations, ever alert for signs of the growing power of the dark side.

Watch as James T. Skywalker subdues a Klingon with only his mind tricks!

See Chewbacca and Han Spock push the Enterprise to its limit at they evade a marauding jazz band named “Count Dooku and the Sith“!

Be amazed when Princess Uhura captures an entire squadron of Romulans with only her trusty X-wing starfighter and plucky side-kick R2Sulu!

All this and more starting June 2013!

Coming in June 2014, from Wingnut Films, Peter Jackson launches the first installment of his three-part epic: “Space Lord of the Rings.”