Category Archives: Tea Party

Stupid is as Stupid Does

Dear FreedomWorks,

I don’t know how you got my email address or whether I just pissed off someone with a really nasty temper who then fraudulently subscribed me on some far-right-wing-nut web page so that I would forever have my in-box filled with solicitations for donations from “true patriots” who want to help “take back our country” and give “grassroots freedom-fighters the tools they need to fight Big Government and protect America’s liberty.”

I do have to ask – by “grass-roots” do you mean the billionaire Koch-financed effort to convert the government into a subsidiary of Koch Industries?

Just wondered.

And did you know that when you say “FreedomWorks” aloud it sounds like “Fweedumwoks” ? Go ahead, try it. It really does. (Which, of course, means Elmer Fudd is actually a furry “true patriot” living on Endor. Think about that.)

Anyway, you emailed me a survey. It didn’t ask any sensible questions so I didn’t respond which is why you decided to send it to me again because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me!

Far be it from me to disappoint you.

You asked me to “rank these issues in order of importance (1-5).” Those issues were as follows:

  • Stop libtard bureaucrats from ruining our schools and dumbing down America’s kids with things like science and reasoning skills.
  • No gun control because the civil liberties protected in our Bill of Rights must be protected at all costs. If it’s the 2nd Amendment. The rest can be compromised to protect us from Kenyan Muslim Usurpers.
  • Stop government spending we don’t need it look at Somalia no government so no government spending and they’re doing okay all they need are enough guns and thanks to the 2nd Amendment we got those.
  • Defund ObamaCare: Congress must ensure not one more penny goes to funding that fearsome Godzilla of socialized medicine by spending millions of tax dollars on ineffective votes to repeal the Affordable Care Act.
  • Defending the House: We the Tin-Foil Hat People must defend the House and prevent another round of Speaker Nancy Pelosi because she’s like a damn comet that keeps circling back and we much prefer Ted Nugent even if he runs in circles like a rabid three-legged dog biting his own tail.

I’m not being critical but for some reason these “issues” somehow – how do I say this with delicacy, hmmmm – seem completely insane and don’t reflect any issue of any importance to any rational human being.

However.

Because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me, here they are:

1. Climate change. Won’t we all share a hearty laugh when it turns out to be real and we no longer have a place to live?

2. Money in politics. Seriously – fix that and we can fix #1.

3. Emails from billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. On second thought, #2 will take care of that.

4. Billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. Oh, wait. Never mind.

5. Billionaires David and Charles Koch. Oh, wait.

6. Wall Street. Corporate Welfare. Income inequality.

Oops.

Damn.

#2 should be #1, shouldn’t it?

I’m sure you and your billionaire backers agree, right?

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My World and Welcome to it.

Republican Senator Ron Johnson may be the stupidest member of Congress (a difficult goal to achieve but he may, indeed, be the stupidest one of all time despite what you’ve read about Ted Cruz, Michele Bachmann, Todd Akin, and others).

Why am I painfully aware of this? Because he’s from Wisconsin, the state with which I also (as you may have guessed) have some small acquaintance.

In fact, he’s so stupid he even has his own website: ourdumbsenator.com, which induces sufficient astonished face palms to cause whiplash.

His latest display of Tea Party genius: using federal tax dollars to sue the federal government to make his office staff pay more for their health insurance. Then giving them raises (funded with federal tax dollars) to pay for the higher cost of coverage if his lawsuit is successful.

Because it’s all about protecting the taxpayer.

Dear Texas,

Even though you like yellow roses, you are (and seem determined to remain) a red state. You know who you are and that’s a bible-thumping, state-flag-waving, big-government hating, free-market-loving, regulation-slashing, secession-minded group of Republican cowboys.

I’m cool with that.

You believe in the second amendment but not the first, think prayers and guns should be let into schools but critical thinking skills kept out, and that businesses don’t need to be regulated because as conscientious citizens they will self-regulate.

Your elected officials believe victims of Hurricane Sandy should fend for themselves because that’s what states’ rights, local control, and personal responsibility are all about. Because real liberty means we all must live with the consequences of our choices and if you choose to live in a godless place like New York or New Jersey, when you get devastated by a hurricane of biblical proportions, that’s just the result of your choice (and possibly ordained by God who hates liberals and anybody who isn’t Texan but most especially the heretics who live in places that let gay people marry) and you should pull up your bootstraps and not expect a handout from honest, hard-working people who don’t believe in handouts.

Unless the victims are god-fearing Texans.

Which happened recently when one of those self-regulated businesses blew up, taking a large part of a small Texas town and its residents with it.

After which two Republicans who voted against federal aid for victims of Hurricane Sandy asked for federal aid for the victims in West, Texas.

A request also made by “Lone Star” state Governor Rick Perry who announced that Texas believes in independence in everything but receiving federal tax dollars.

“But we as a nation can’t turn our backs on such terrible suffering” you might say and you are probably right, even if part of the suffering might be because that same governor made so many “business friendly” decisions and, among other choices, reduced oversight and slashed funding to volunteer fire departments  – while giving hefty tax cuts to private corporations.

And that West Fertilizer Company (which owns the plant that exploded) is a private corporation.

Which had been storing 1,350 times the amount of explosive ammonium nitrate that would normally trigger safety oversight by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS). But which did not report the potentially explosive fertilizer as it was required to do.

Perhaps because it had a “risk management plan” that said “the company did not believe it was storing or handling any flammable substances and didn’t list fire or an explosion as a danger.”

The same plan that listed the “worst-case scenario” as an “accidental release of [gaseous] anhydrous ammonia.”

The same plan that said “there was no risk of fire or explosion.”

The same plan that “did not cite a possible explosion of ammonium nitrate.”

In a plant that had “no sprinklers. No firewalls. No water deluge systems” or any other safety mechanisms installed.

In a plant that hadn’t been inspected by the Occupational Health and Safety Administration since 1985.

The plant that was storing 270 tons of highly volatile ammonium nitrate fertilizer that should have been reported to the Department of Homeland Security but was not.

So that the volunteer firefighters had no idea they were fighting a fire that could – and did – turn into a massive fireball capable of flattening buildings for blocks in every direction. While they were at the epicenter of that explosion instead of a safe distance away.

Which is why, Texas, I have to ask: shouldn’t this be something your fabled “free market” will resolve to everyone’s satisfaction? With the self-regulating company liable for all the damages and loss of life?

Because, in keeping with your dearly beloved GOP principles, when a private company blows up a town, shouldn’t the private company pay for it? And be held personally – maybe even criminally – responsible?

Isn’t that what a big-government hating, free-market-loving, regulation-slashing, secession-minded group of Republican cowboys would really want?

Thank you and I look forward to your prompt response.

Survivor: Northwoods

At a meeting of the invitation-only Libertarian Billionaires Club in an exclusive Palm Springs resort, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R) today announced his plan to transform his state’s education system with an innovative initiative, which he claims will give parents and students legitimate alternatives to under-performing, under-funded schools.

In a move Republicans heralded as “bold” and “visionary,” Walker will “level the playing field” when it comes to school funding: Wisconsin students will now battle to the death for state aid.

“When I watched The Hunger Games last week with Tonette and the boys (love that new HD big screen – thanks Diane), I realized how much fun it was to see kids so focused on healthy competition, and how it fit perfectly with my proclamation of 2013 as the Year of Well-Being.

In fact, at first I thought it was a new reality show but then Tonette slapped me on my bald spot and said no you idjit it’s a movie, and, as I rubbed my head, I realized this was really an exciting opportunity for more of my common sense reforms.

So I called a meeting of my Education Policy Advisors at the mansion and, after some hot ham and rolls, we watched the movie together so he would understand my vision. The resulting budget outlines the key provisions which allow students, parents, and schools greater funding parity among all education sectors.

Every child, regardless of their zip code, deserves access to a great education. While it is our goal to help struggling schools succeed, we need to make sure students and parents can choose the best option and make sure each child receives the opportunity for a truly great education even if they come from a poor school district.

To help them help themselves, effective with the new budget:

On an annual basis, each school district will select, by lottery, 2 students (from grades K-12) as tributes who will travel to the MacKenzie Center, which is being reformed into a hunting, fishing, and trapping training facility.

After two weeks of training with a private-sector mentor, they will be released into a fenced private hunting preserve where they will begin their struggle for survival. The entire event will be available for a fee on pay-per-view, with rights sold at my complete discretion for any price – or none, as I see fit.

Viewers will have unique opportunities to participate by donating on-line to my campaign. Sponsors (who did not sign a recall petition) can, for an additional fee, send gifts such as food, medicine, and tools to the young Republican players of my choice. Other donors can choose options designed to enhance the competition, such as ‘release the hounds.’

The sole survivor earns full funding for his or her district for the coming school year.

Because we believe in a hand up, not a hand-out, the hard work of the fallen will not be ignored, preserving an essential safety net for our neediest, while protecting our state’s taxpayers from uncertainty. Their home districts will receive the amount of state aid allocated to the district of each of their victims. So the more you kill, the more you earn. If, on the other hand, you’re a lazy sloucher, our plan will help break cycles of generational dependence and motivate you to work harder to stay alive.

I know those liberal lefties in Dane County will scoff and claim this is unfair, that students from the rich, Republican districts will have an undue advantage, but I say look at the real-life example set by Katniss Everdeen, a poor, white girl from a rural district who won the contest with hard work and the right attitude. With the right attitude, your child can too.”

Meet Alice

Tea Pots complain they are unfairly stereotyped as dumb as doorpost illiterates who write (using CAPS, LOTS OF CAPS) about God and freedom and taking back the country from that socialist-marxist-homo-lib-commie-foreigner Obama and who worship Glenn Beck and Michelle Bachmann with a passionate constancy.

I don’t want to be unfair so decided to look at a random Tea Pot to see if those stereotypes are unfair. Or untrue. I chose Alice. She can thank Matt Kibbe.

I get emails from Matt Kibbe asking me for money. You know, Matt Kibbe. The nut job President and CEO over at FreedomWorks, the Tea Pot non-profit with the primary purpose of raising money to keep paying Matt Kibbe a really nice salary. (For some reason that purpose allows them to qualify as a tax-deductible charitable organization. Who knew?)

Which requires lots of emails asking for money. Like the one I just got. Which told me to “Meet Alice,” just an ordinary activitist true patriot seeking to take back the country from that socialist-marxist-homo-lib-commie-foreigner Obama.

Of course, when you click on the link to meet her, you get this: “PLEASE MAKE YOUR YEAR-END DONATION OF $25, $50, $100 OR MORE NOW!”

Hmmm. LOTS OF CAPS. Maybe it’s just a coincidence.

You also get a film clip which doesn’t tell us much about Alice, so I decided to learn more about the woman who is “an inspiring tribute to the unwavering commitment of this grassroots movement to make freedom a priority.” I googled her.

Turns out that this is Alice.

She is, of course, a Tea Pot. And a Republican. (Coincidentally, Tea Pots ALL seem to be Republicans seeking to elect Republicans.  For some reason that still allows Tea Pot groups like FreedomWorks to qualify as non-partisan tax-deductible charitable organizations. Who knew?)

But I digress.

She is a member of the “Space Coast Patriots.” Ironically, she does not find this ironic.

But I don’t want to unfairly stereotype her even though she wrote this:

Want to rid country of Socialism/Marxism and return to constitutional sanity. Got to get Conservatives elected, not RINOS. Want to see Obama GONE. BORDERS:CLOSED; LANGUAGE: ENGLISH ONLY; CONGRESS:OBEY ITS LAWS & ‘RULE’ W/IN CONSTI.& BILL OF RIGHTS!; MANDATORY DRUG SCREENING BEFORE WELFARE; NO FREEBIES AT ALL TO NON-CITIZENS! ELIMINATE WASTE THROUGHOUT GOVT.; REMEMBER HISTORY & DON’T MAKE SAME MISTAKES EUROPE HAS MADE. EXPOSE OBAMA & MANY IN GOVT. AS FRAUDS; HYPOCRITES; LIARS; & WORSE! RETURN TO SANCTITY OF LIFE; BELIEF AND DEPENDENCE ON GOD; MORALITY; COMMON SENSE; HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT NORMAL & SHOULD NOT BE CONDONED. UPHOLD OUR ‘RIGHTS’ TO BARE ARMS & OTHER RIGHTS. STOP STUPID WARS; TEACH EVERYONE ABOUT THREAT OF SHARIAH & RADICAL MUSLIMS. DON’T SUPPORT HOLLYWOOD AND LEFTISTS THERE. STAND UP FOR BASIC DECENCY. TEACH LOGIC AND REASONING. BE THANKFUL EVERY DAY! JOIN A GOOD GROUP LIKE THE S.C.PATRIOTS; 9-12; CCPR; R.L.C.;& OTHERS.

(Because so help me we all have the right to bare arms. Unless you have those flappy things where your triceps used to be.)

Alice, by an amazing coincidence, also belongs to Brevard 912, Brevard Tea Party, and the Republican Liberty Caucus of Central East Florida.

Alice, by an amazing coincidence, lists these groups as “interests”: 9/12, We Surround Them, Tea Party, Liberty, The 912 Project, Tea Party Patriots, Take Back our Country.

Alice, by an amazing coincidence, also listens to Glenn Beck.  Who, by an amazing coincidence, founded the “we surround them 9/12 project” to which Alice belongs.

Alice, by an amazing coincidence, also is a close friend of Michele Bachmann, and lunches with her whenever their schedules permit.

Alice, by an amazing coincidence, also lacks basic spelling skills: we are losing our culture and our American values. It’s imparative we each do our part in stamping out Socialism; ‘social justice’; nanny state tactics; & electing conservatives.

Alice, by an amazing coincidence, also believes our President was born someplace, anyplace, outside of the U.S., as demonstrated by her heartfelt response to a blog post claiming that “Obama was never legal to begin with. Millions of ‘birthers’ who are intelligent, taxpaying Americans already believe that.”

Thank you soooooooo much for this wonderfully-written article! I have made copies of it to share with the oldsters I know who don’t have a computer. But I would like to send it in to the 9-12 group, if you have not already done that. I would also like to send it to many others who are not 9-12ers. You have articulated what many of us think in such a logical way.

But maybe she’s just an exception. Maybe they really aren’t all that dumb.

Dear America, Please Don’t Fall for This Shit Again

By Adam McKay. Reprinted here because this is important.  Original at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/adam-mckay/romney-obama-election-2012_b_2080326.html

This election season there’s a billowing cloud of misinformation being sprayed into the American psyche like a burping tail pipe on a primered Vega.

And its smoke is thicker and blacker than ever before thanks to the Citizen’s United Supreme Court decision.

Billions have been spent for one purpose and one purpose only: to obscure and distract from the fact that Mitt Romney is backing the identical agenda George W Bush did.

It’s really and truly that simple.

Lower taxes for the rich, cutting regulations for Wall Street, hawkish foreign policy with in many cases the same neocon foreign policy advisers W. Bush used make Romney/Ryan “W Bush 2: The Sequel to the Greatest Disaster Movie in Recent U.S. History, Available in Imax.”

So please, America, don’t fall for this con all over again. Taxes for the rich are at record lows. The uber-wealthy and corps hide profits overseas and work the loopholes to avoid paying what they should. And because of the resulting tax shortfall, deficits soar and education and infrastructure are cut. Why in God’s name would anyone in their right mind support cutting taxes for the wealthy more? Especially when it’s been proven over and over again to do very little for the economy?

And the idea of cutting regulations for Wall Street after the ’08 collapse is as crazy as a guy in a hospital gown by the side of a highway waving Barbie dolls at passing cars. With the derivitives market larger than ever we need way more regulation of Wall Street, not less. And worst of all, Romney’s hawkish foreign policy is a beat for beat redux of the Bush doctrine of attack at the slightest hint of threat that led us into the disaster of the Iraq war. Call it “the edgy drifter with a knife” policy.

Voting for Romney after the train wreck of that was the eight years of W. Bush is like losing your pay check playing a rigged game of three-card monte and then playing the same game again a week later cause the cards are a different color.

But Obama is a socialist! He’s made things worse! What about the deficit?! Stop your witchy liberal word spells!

These objections to Obama are nonsense and lies at best. They just are. This isn’t a “liberal” POV. It’s just the truth. Obama does have real failings as a president (illegal drone strikes, a baffling desire to make more trade deals, failure to prosecute past war crimes), but being a socialist big spender is not remotely one of them. The stock market and corporate profits have soared under the Obama administration. And the deficit is 60 percent from tax short falls from the ’08 collapse and 20 percent from the Iraq war finally being properly counted. Only $1 trillion of the $5 trillion deficit is from spending that was for the stimulus package that stopped our nation from falling into a depression by any economic metric available. The fact is Obama has spent less than any president in 50 years.

Even Obamacare is a private mandate that will drive billions to the insurance industry, much like the auto insurance mandate. Hardly socialism. In fact, it was a Republican plan to begin with.

But Romney and his billionaire backers have twisted facts and outright lied like we’ve never seen before. And why? Because if they had to stand on the issues they wouldn’t receive a vote. Because Romney and Ryan are exactly on the same page as W. Bush. And that page is stained with champagne and sturgeon eggs.

If Romney wins it will be because voters voted for the lies and the brand ID of the Republican party, not because of facts, context and reality. This is the essence of how a con works. The con man gets the mark to respond emotionally rather than logically. Please, don’t fall for it. With climate change becoming the biggest challenge of the next hundred years we can’t afford four years more of corruption, misinformation and inaction. We just can’t.

We must give up on this blind brand allegiance nonsense — “the Republican party is for self-reliance and America” — and start looking at the reality of what they do. They ignored warnings on 9/11, making us far less safe, give billions in subsidies to oil companies, no-bid contracts to the former vice president’s company, cut taxes for the rich during a war, stand against equal pay for women, froze the budget to drive our AAA rating down. They are corrupt, for the rich getting richer and for dismantling our government including FEMA, Medicare, and Social Security.

And worst of all, the Republicans do everything they can to make it hard for people to vote. This isn’t just creepy and dirty. This is anti-American and an insult to all those that have given their lives for our right to vote.

At a certain point if you’re voting for Romney you have to look around the room and see who you’re with. W, Bush and Cheney will vote for Romney. Sarah Palin will vote for Romney. Glenn Beck will vote for Romney, as will Rush Limbaugh. Rupert Murdoch, Hannity and Donald Trump are voting for Romney. Have these people been right about anything in the past 20 years? For real. Think about it.

This election needs to be the end of the con. The end of “trickle-down economics.” The end of the loopholes. The end of no rules for the rich and powerful. The end of veiled racism, sexism and homophobia as a way to distract those you’re ripping off.

This era of “relative truth” can end. We can return to science, facts and fairness. But it means stopping this right vs. left, Dem. vs. Repub., North vs. South idiocy. A lot of money was spent to divide us like this and every day that we don’t stop and question the messaging this country slips a notch.

We’ve been having the same argument for 30 years and the evidence is clear: Cutting taxes for the rich, deregulating all the rules set up after the Great Depression and needless wars don’t even remotely work, whether it’s George W. Bush or Romney who’s at the wheel of the belching sputtering Vega.

Seriously, America. Take a beat, think and look hard at the numbers. You’re better than this crap. And we’ve got real stuff to work on together.

This is an NBC News Special Report

Bom-bom-bom-bom

Here is Brian Williams

Bom-bom-bom-bom

Good evening. This is Brian Williams with an NBC News Special Report. I’m reporting live from an undisclosed location. Here with me tonight are the last survivors of a group that has been hunted mercilessly for weeks, stalked, followed, bombarded with mail, phone calls, and strangers pounding on their doors. I am, of course, talking about the undecided voter.

Who are they, these people who have attracted so much unwanted attention, who have become the focus of an intense manhunt by hundreds of political pollsters and pundits, been followed into stores and accosted on the street?

We’re here to find out.

As you can see behind me, conditions here are harsh. Trapped in a dark, windowless safe house with no wi-fi or cable, these undecided voters have been forced to abandon the comfort of their homes and the companionship of their loved ones to live out their days until the election with only network television and MRE’s to sustain them.

I’d like to introduce you to Bob K. We won’t reveal his last name or home town because of the risk to his family; many of the Super PAC’s have already shown they respect no personal boundaries. Police are concerned that, given the chance, Fox News would relentless hound them with reports that undecided voters are responsible for the attack in Benghazi.

Bob, how are you holding up?

Well, Brian, it’s been tough. I haven’t showered since yesterday and the pressure on us to decide has been pretty intense.

What’s been happening?

Well, I’m on all the do-not-call lists but they call anyway. Day. Night. Morning. Evening. Nothing stops them. They’re heartless.

Who’s calling you?

Mostly robo-calls. Sometimes it’s a celebrity like Clint Eastwood. Only at first he couldn’t remember his name or why he was calling. I felt pretty bad for him but then realized maybe it was a ploy to get Romney a sympathy vote so I hung up.

Anyone else?

Oh yeah. A lot of anonymous people saying they’re a “National Polling Firm” but when I start asking questions like “what’s the company’s real name and who’s paying for this?” they hang up. I’m pretty sure it’s Republicans, because the Democrats are all really nice. Maybe too nice. They just want to help people out in times of trouble but sometimes you gotta be a tough son of a bitch so I just don’t know.

Thanks, Bob, and best of luck to you. Let’s get another viewpoint from Maddie. It is Maddie?

That’s right, Brian.

Maddie, why do you continue to be undecided, despite all the hardships you endure because of it?

Well, it’s complicated. I’m Presbyterian  and I was raised to believe that we all have to look out for each other and we need to be good stewards of the earth. So that should mean voting for the Democratic candidates. But then I keep seeing all these commercials by all these patriotic groups like Concerned Women of America and Americans for Prosperity and Americans for Tax Reform and they tell me that President Obama is a Kenyan socialist Muslim who is going to put my grandma on an ice floe, pass Sharia Law, and pay Mexicans to have babies in America which makes me wonder. I mean, they couldn’t say that unless it was true, right? I don’t want my Granny to die although with the polar ice cap melting I don’t know where the President would find an ice flow to put her on, I hear polar bears are drowning without them. And some people attack him because he’s black, but other people say he’s white. So I’m torn.

Thank you, Maddie, for sharing. As you’ve heard, ladies and gentlemen, these people are facing tough choices. But they show strength and courage, resisting efforts to coerce them to make up their minds.

[series of explosive sounds off camera]

Wait a minute, what was that noise? Can you get a camera on that? Ladies and gentlemen, this is breaking news. The security cameras show a mob has gathered at the entrance to the safe house. You can’t see the details, but it appears as if they are all carrying clipboards and flyers of some kind. What? I’m hearing that it appears they are Republican canvassers.

[Undecided voters in the background begin to scream. Several rush about in panic. Two men are locked in battle, stumbling past the camera as they struggle.]

They triangulated our location using your cell phone! I told you no fucking cell phone!

Screw you Reginald Ludwig Dunston of Barrington Illinois! I wanted pizza!

This is Brian Williams on location. Now back to the studio and our next segment, Yes, People Who Believe What They Hear On Fox Really Are That Stupid.

Leave the thinking to us

Hey, girl. You’ve got stuff on your mind. Important stuff. Stuff like hair and makeup. And shoes. And clothes. And what shoes go with what clothes. And whether leggings are so last year. Your head is so full of important stuff like that you have no room in it for unimportant stuff like elections and candidates.

The Republican Party understands. And we’re here to help.

We’re a bunch of conservative white guys who know that you don’t want to waste your time on “information” or fill your pretty little heads with bothersome “issues.” That’s why we here at the YGN (Young Guns Network) created the “YG Woman Up Network,”  so we can do your thinking for you. That way you’ll have time for the important things, like getting your hair and nails done, so you can look your best for your man – because your man knows what’s best for you.

And because we really like it when women are “up” (because, you know, the whole woman on top thing is really hot.) Which is why we say real men know how to woman up!

We even say so on our t-shirts:

That’s why a bunch of us white, male, Republicans who really aren’t “young” or “guns” (we just hope girls will want to bang us when we use hot stud nicknames) have started the “Young Guns,” which is funded in all its multi-faceted glory by deluded-never-gonna-be-even-in-their-wildest-dreams a “young gun,” hunka-hunka burning love billionaires like Sheldon Adelson

who all bear a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hut

(who also likes it when girls called him YG, Just ask Princess Leia).

We like to say “YG” because that sounds studly. And we must be oozing studliness, because the YG Network quickly begat the YG Action Fund Super Pac (which backs Richard  “rape pregnancy is a gift from God” Mourdock), our spin shop the YG Policy Center, and now the “YG Woman” network.

As men, we’re experts who know that anything a man does to you is a gift you should appreciate, whether it’s forced pregnancy or being told what to think.

And which is why we created helpful commercials. In fact, we have a whole youtube network of videos where we just make stuff up, because we know the little women won’t question what we tell them – because we’re men. And we support traditional values like marriage which is God ordained as between a man who goes to work and a woman who stays home, makes babies, and does what her husband tells her to do. And she does it. So help me God.

And God made man to know stuff. Lots of stuff. More stuff than your little head could ever know. Including that as a woman you’re not supposed to think, just listen to your man. And because your little head is so empty, you can be indecisive. What to do, what to do. You just don’t know, poor things.

So we’re here to help by pointing out that looks are important, especially keeping yours up (how else can you be a desirable “Woman on Top”?). And hey – if we have to let you vote, then you need a really good reason to remember who to vote for. And that’s the cute guy. When he’s Republican. That’s the important part. Because if you didn’t have us to think for you, what would you do? That’s right – you don’t know. See why you need us?

EMMA: Hey, Olivia. What’s it gonna be?

OLIVIA: Hi Emma. Hmmm. Latte, cappuccino? I can’t make up my mind.

EMMA: That’s how I felt about this election… until I took a good look at the candidates.

OLIVIA: And?

EMMA: I’m for Sean Duffy. He’s pretty cool, actually. He’s part of this new generation of leaders, the kind we need in Washington. He’s a good husband and father and he fights for small businesses, like mine. So I can keep the doors open and even hire more people.

OLIVIA: He’s the cute one, right?

You want the truth?

Once upon a time long, long ago, most people told the truth most of the time.

Even politicians.

Lying was considered a bad thing. Reporters were called “journalists” whose purpose was to search for and report the facts in an unbiased, fair and impartial way. Edward R. Murrow persevered in the search for truth, even exposing Joe McCarthy’s fanatical fear-mongering. Walter Cronkite was the man America trusted.

People learned critical thinking skills which they used to process incoming communications, winnowing and sifting, questioning with a healthy dose of skepticism what they saw and heard. “I wasn’t born yesterday,” and “You can’t fool all of the people all of the time” were heard throughout the land.

Thankfully that’s all over with. Karl Rove was born, Rupert Murdoch transformed the Fox Network into a “We just make stuff up because we can if we’re in the U.S., even if that kept us out of Canada because (unlike the U.S.) it has a sensible law which forbids lying on broadcast news,” and the Supreme’s hit single “Citizens United” topped the charts.

Now anybody with money can say anything and the vast majority of people will not only accept it as true, but endlessly repeat it to others via any and all possible methods of communication.

Meanwhile, anonymous “non-partisan” entities with no identifying information (no location, no phone number, no names of any human beings who could possibly be connected with it or funding it) proliferate more quickly than cockroaches in the dark, spreading disinformation.

I know what you’re thinking – you’re thinking, “completely anonymous people or entities with a name like ‘Words Matter 2012’? Nobody would pay attention to them! I mean, why should they? For all we know the person behind it could be an escapee from an asylum with his head wrapped in aluminum foil who believes his instructions come from Planet Zyborg!”

You are right. And very, very wrong. Because the masses did not question the anonymity. They did not say, “for all we know this could be an escapee from an asylum with his head wrapped in aluminum foil who believes his instructions come from Planet Zyborg!”

No – they all nodded their heads in compete agreement and hit “forward” then immediately shared and reposted it a gazillion times on facebook, twitter, and youtube.

Including people like:

crazyup inhurr ‏@Crazyupinhurr Shut your mouth, Hippie. Political Correctness and Liberals are the Herpes on the crotch of this great Country.

Patty Foster ‏@PATTYFOSTER53 53 yr old grandma…Independent, Conservative, God fearing woman..who loves her family..and i Love my Country the greatest in the world…I LOVE FOX NEWS…

Linda Hobart ‏@Ga5mom Mom,wife, grammy,Texas transplant, Constitutional Conservative, IT networker, TEA Party member

Ms.Jeffry Douglas ‏@MsJeffDesigns Republican,Conservative.Pledge of allegiance,in God we trust.Tired of PC. Love family,love my children.

linda e ‏@MRSEMOND Pissed Off American, Proud Responsible Conservative, God Fearing, Gun loving Married Mother of two from Southern California.

Judson Phillips ‏@teapartynation Tea Party Nation – A Home for Conservatives

TEAMPACUSA ‏ @TEAMPACUSA TEAM PAC USA is dedicated to Obama’s defeat  Watch our Documentary detailing Obama’s Deception and Failure on Youtube

Hmmm … do we sense a theme here?

We start with “Words Matter 2012.” An anonymous something (no one knows if it’s animal, vegetable, mineral, or none of the above) which claims to be a “non-partisan” 501(c)(3) non-profit corporation, yet is exclusively dedicated to bashing President Obama 24/7/365 on:

its website  (registered anonymously);

facebook (no identifying info);

twitter (no identifying info);

and its own youtube channel (where, as of September 14, 2012, twenty-nine expensive, well-edited, professionally produced attack videos were being endlessly watched by thousands of Andrew Glenn Breitbart Beck wannabees who then re-posted them on internet websites across the galaxy faster than you could wrap your head in foil.

So an anonymous something located who knows where run and financed by who knows who can take your tax-deductible donation and spend it trying to defeat a candidate by making lots of stuff up in a frenzy of fanatical fear-mongering and claim it’s non-partisan.

Edward R. Murrow, where are you?

And now, it’s time for another installment of “Miss Manners”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You are a shining beacon of hope in dark times where courtesy and consideration are in short supply. Take last week. There I was, minding my own business, just trying to run a country, when suddenly I’m being verbally abused and berated for things I never said or did. What’s a guy to do when rich people, stupid people, and Fox News spend all their time just making stuff up?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners agrees with you that these are dark times indeed, but even so would hesitate to describe others as stupid, even when they are ignorant, misogynistic, pebble-brained, Ayn Rand loving morons perhaps lucky enough to be born the son of a governor. Such talk abandons manners in favor of flagrant self indulgence. She does, however, wonder what would happen if their campaign plane was “accidentally” re-routed to Somalia.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don’t understand it. I’m a regular guy. Everyone on my staff tells me so. But for some reason people just can’t take a joke. Dogs on cars? That’s funny. Pretending to be a cop? Hilarious. Bullying a classmate? Hysterical.

I say things and people take them all wrong. I mean, who doesn’t like being able to fire people? But I say it and get painted as someone who sends jobs to China!  It’s not fair. How can I get these people to stop misunderstanding me?

GENTLE READER: I sympathize. Nothing is worse than people with no sense of humor. The best way to be rude and completely self-absorbed without being criticized for it is to claim “I was just joking” thereby making the other person look bad for being so uptight and overly sensitive that they don’t get that you were just being funny. Try saying it after “I’m not familiar precisely with what I said, but I’ll stand by what I said, whatever it was” or “I’m not concerned about the very poor.”

Whenever anyone accuses you of being insensitive the only necessary response is to ask “What’s the matter, don’t you have a sense of humor?” You should also consider improving your image through travel, perhaps to someplace like Somalia.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I donate millions to worthy causes but people still think I’m a selfish, greedy bastard out to control the universe. They’re right, of course, but achieving my goals means I have to eat dinner with morons like Ron Johnson. Why don’t these oblivious peons understand the price I have to pay?

GENTLE READER: World domination sometimes requires no small sacrifice. Such a plan relies on manipulating the ignorant and uninformed. Those who are neither might object but ultimately you have the upper hand and when you prevail  will be able to destroy them, a process which should be handled with the discretion and dignity appropriate to your status. You also might consider relocating to a place with more like-minded persons. A place with no government, no taxes, and no regulations. A place like Somalia.