Monthly Archives: April 2012
Sometimes words fail me. Like when I read this headline:
Back in the olden days, it was difficult to let people know you were a bonehead. If you weren’t the official village idiot, how would they know? Unless they were personally acquainted with you, so had firsthand knowledge of your abilities or lack thereof, or you did something so spectacularly stupid that it made national news, you could quietly go through life without most people learning that you were a world class twit.
Thankfully, technology has changed all that, allowing people everywhere the opportunity to see for themselves that you are, in fact, a clueless wonder who decided in kindergarten that knowledge was a waste of your time.
The most excellent examples appear online.
For example – facebook.
There are dimwits who post pictures of themselves at the beach after they called in sick. Dolts who post their status as “single” which comes as a surprise to their wives. Dunderheads who brag about the crime they just committed.
And the dummies who entertain the rest of us with their lack of weapons when attempting to engage in a battle of wits.
For example – the comments below, exactly as they appeared on the official “Governor Scott Walker” facebook page, a sampling of typical posts by ordinary, average, run of the mill Walker supporters. Which for some reason did not surprise me.
“So the Dems gravy train has ended and there voters baught with perks upset. Meanwhile in the real world my childs school has hired more teachers, reduced class size, and has more money for learning materials. My property taxes have gone down and theres more money in my pocket. Awsome Job Walker you’ve got my vote. And Gab why don’t you hold yourselves accountable for the tax dollers you are waisting through the shear fact of your existance.”
Oh my. Mrs. Higgins doesn’t teach English or logic but she’s got her red pen and is coming closer. Just a minute … okay – she left the room – I promised her I’ll give this one to her later. First I’ll take a shot at it.
“So the Dems gravy train has ended [What in the world is this person talking about? What gravy train? And if there is one, is it brown gravy or that icky looking white stuff out of a can?] and there [Can’t these people spell? For crying out loud, it’s “their.”] voters baught [okay – so they can’t spell] with perks upset. [This is so illogical I’m thinking we’re being punked.] Meanwhile in the real world my childs [It’s “child’s” you moron.] school has hired more teachers, reduced class size, and has more money for learning materials. [Wow – he must live in some other state.] My property taxes have gone down and theres [“there’s” – have these people never learned about apostrophes?] more money in my pocket. [guess he didn’t hear about the tax increases] Awsome [Seriously??] Job [job] Walker you’ve got my vote. And Gab [Gab who??? Gabby? Gabbie? Gabriel? Gabriella?] why don’t you hold yourselves accountable for the tax dollers [Argh! “dollars” you muttonhead – and why should Gabbie be accountable?] you are waisting [Okay – this guy can’t be for real.] through the shear [Really – he must work for “The Onion.”] fact of your existance [definitely].”
The next guy struck the trifecta of facebook fatuousness.
“So let’s get this straight libs fight voter id because minorities and whatnot can’t afford or drive to dmv to get free id. But now there arguing its a good thing to pay extra to bus kids or drive them to school. Anybody else see all the hypocrisy on the lib side?”
“I live in a liberal town the teachers bitch about walker. But yet busing is free no teachers have been laid off have assistants in every class. They also got 20 I pads for k-2. But I have also found out the bad teachers are horrible they have sent pre k and kindergarten outside with no supervision there’s alot of bullying. Principle said teachers are suppose to be out there but it was cold blah blah. We can barely afford but my daughter starts private school next yr all parents love it teachers are very happy and spend lots of time with kids and only 1k per yr. Screw union teacher greed I want my kid to learn.”
“climate change should not be taught in school more scientists against it than for it. I’ve read many reports from scientists the earth has heating cooling trends we have been in warming trend since iceage hence we aren’t surrounded by ice.”
You know what scares me the most about this guy? He reproduced.
And the next one gets his science information off a matchbook.
“Let me ask you a question.How far back does our weather data go??? 150 years. So everyone can base climate change on that little amount of info. When you get thousands of years of data then you can talk. Until then it’s just hear say. The global warming bullcrap was proven wrong because some people put out false data and were caught. This was so they could try for a worldwide carbon tax. Who would get all of this money??? The same people who lied in the first place. That’s why these scientists lie to get money,grants. the sky is falling the sky is falling. But did it. Remember the hole in the ozone. they blamed it on freon. Yes all the freon in the world went south and made a hole. so they banned it. But before they could stop everyone from using it around the world the hole was gone. How did that happen??? They were still using the very product that they said caused the problem. It was a lie!!! It’s funny but the very same company that had made the first product also made it’s replacement and in record time and made billions because of it. Stop believeing in what your told and look it up and do some real reseach. The media tells you only what they want you to know. Real knowledge is power. Your tax dollars paid for a lie and the false research etc…. Keeping you baffled with B.S. just keeps the money flowing.”
He’s baffled all right. As is this guy:
“if you are in debt can not grow. History be minus in Checkbook and get hit 1,000 day. People need to grow up like him.”
But I’ve saved the best for last. Because no matter what else – at least the village idiots keep us entertained.
“Their are plenty of job openings. Unfortunately because of some immature folks, they want the six figure salaries and everything handed to them. You can’t spell perserveirence without serve!!“
In case you hadn’t already guessed, I’m on the planet Earth. In Wisconsin. USA.
Here in the Dairy State, we’ve been a little busy since Scott Walker was elected governor by the Koch brothers, running on bland promises to create jobs and balance the budget without raising taxes while the Kochs spent millions in negative ads attacking Walker’s opponent, Tom Barrett, as a kitten-killing, tax-and-spend, possibly Muslim, anti-American elitist who would cause a tsunami of economic disaster to sweep across the state leaving only devastation and dead cows in its wake.
So Scotty got elected because nobody wants a tsunami. We all saw what one of those can do in 2012, Deep Impact, The Day After Tomorrow, and The Poseidon Adventure and I think I speak for all of us when I say that the prospect of being stranded in an upside down boat while a comet destroys the planet is not where any of us wanted to be.
But then Scotty got elected, dropped “the bomb“, and we realized the tsunami had struck anyway.
He gave tax breaks of more than $2.3 billion to special interests while slashing funding to local governments and for public education, tried to kick thousands of children off Badger Care, converted 37 high-level, high-paying merit selection state jobs into personal appointees, made himself the final authority over all rules made by any state agency, pushed through a far-right conservative agenda benefiting a select few (who happened to be his campaign donors), converted the state into a “pay to play” system of cronyism, rolled back worker’s rights, women’s rights (including the Equal Pay Enforcement Act), consumer rights, tenant rights, voting rights, homosexual rights, comprehensive sex education, wetland and environmental protections, and killed off what had been a growing wind energy industry. And that was just the beginning. He also lied about not raising taxes (increasing taxes on the poor by $49 million), lied about balancing the budget, and is actually running a $143 million deficit.
But that’s not all. He ended up with the worst job record in the country in 2011, raided the mortgage bank settlement designed to help homeowners by diverting more than $25 million toward his budget deficit, and is at the center of a John Doe criminal investigation into illegal campaign activities which has already resulted in criminal charges against multiple former aides and immunity to several others.
But it’s not his fault.
It’s the fault of the Big Government Union Bosses.
How do I know? Because he keeps saying so. Not just once, but twelve times in one fund raising letter, and fourteen times in another. And on his campaign website. And on his official Wisconsin Governor website. The “Big Government Union Bosses,” “Big Government Unions,”and “Public Employee Union Bosses” are “really in charge” of the recall. I’m even getting phone calls from people hired by PACs that definitely do not coordinate with him telling me that “Big Unions” are railroading Scotty.
This is no ordinary conflict. This is Union Armageddon.
And it’s not just any scary big union bosses that are to blame. It’s big union bosses from the scariest group of all: teachers.
How do I know? Because Scotty keeps telling me so. He mentioned them more than ten times in just five days on his official facebook page and just about once or twice on all other days. But he didn’t mention firefighters or police officers or emergency personnel or public workers or snowplow drivers or sanitation workers. Only teachers.
That’s right, teachers are railroading Scotty. Teachers are to blame for all his problems. Teachers are to blame for all our problems. Teachers are to blame for the global economic meltdown, the Lindberg kidnapping, the extinction of the passenger pigeon, soured milk, and spilled beer.
(Mrs. Higgins just made a gagging sound. I hope she’s all right.)
He told the NRA that he’s their target, because he is the only thing in “their way of getting their hands on money and power.” And we all know that people become teachers because of their insane lust for money and power.
Only Scotty can protect us. He’s not facing a recall because he cut taxes on the richest, raised taxes on the poorest, rolled back rights for most of us and generally did everything possible to help his campaign donors by adopting an agenda that hurts the rest of us. And he’s not being recalled because he’s an amoral liar who out-Nixons Nixon.
Nope. He’s being recalled because he wants to keep the power in the “hands of hard-working taxpayers instead of [a] handful of big govt union bosses” like Mrs. Higgins (who pays taxes but her taxes don’t count because she is a teacher and big govt union boss).
Even as I speak, gangs of Big Government Union Boss teachers armed with grade books and Number 2 pencils are gathering, seeking to recall Scotty and install their personal puppet, Lamb Chop, as governor.
So it’s all about focusing like a laser on keeping teachers the evil scum scapegoats he wants us all to believe they are. Even though they don’t work for the state. So can’t be blamed for the state’s economic woes. Or the deficit.
And to help Walker help us, billionaire David Koch is hard at work. “We’re helping him, as we should. We’ve gotten pretty good at this over the years,” he says. “We’ve spent a lot of money in Wisconsin. We’re going to spend more.”
First we had slavery, which was a pretty good system for the slave owners. Work people to death. Beat them. Sell them. Whatever. It was all perfectly legal.
Then came emancipation and what was a business person to do?
Hmmm. Wait a minute, I know! Discrimination! Then came a bunch of bothersome anti-discrimination laws. If it wasn’t one thing it was another.
What happened to the good old days when you could fire women for getting married or pregnant, or pay people less because they weren’t white males? Or stick them in the lousy jobs that white men were too good for? Or just not hire them? I mean, seriously, why did the government have to meddle with a perfectly adequate system that worked for the employers?
Here in Wisconsin, naive state legislators didn’t understand the natural order of the workplace: women get paid less than men. So they passed the “Equal Pay Enforcement Act” (EPEA) in 2009 to, well, enforce equal pay for equal work.
Thankfully, Tea Party Republicans across this great nation are changing things for the better, repealing job killing laws like mandatory sick leave so job creators can fire the lazy asses who don’t want to work while sick and be free to hire someone who will.
At the top of the repeal wish list are laws that impose hardships on job creators by penalizing them if they don’t provide equal pay for equal work, laws like the EPEA. Seriously – why should an employer be penalized? Because it’s not as if people who aren’t white males should be paid the same – after all, they aren’t white males.
So, to help restore that natural order, on Thursday, April 5, 2012, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker signed the bill that repealed the enforcement provisions of the EPEA, so that the employers who paid women less no longer had to worry about what would happen if they got caught. As confirmed by a white, male attorney who should know because he works for the job creators, “More than anything, this is a jobs bill.” Because allowing job creators to pay women less means they have more money to buy stuff like yachts, thus creating jobs. And repealing the EPEA was actually a good thing for Wisconsinites because it threatened “to clog the state court system.” Or at least it would if, in fact, any case ever showed up there – in the two years since the law was enacted not a single one had.
He knew that the law allowing women to sue for damages in state court wasn’t really for them – it was really just a “benefit that was in place … for lawyers” (the non-Republican lawyers who don’t work for the job creators).
The EPEA wasn’t needed because, according to Republican state senator Glenn Grothman (who led the repeal effort and happens to be a white male), wage disparity doesn’t exist and any difference in pay is because “money is more important for men” who need it to support families.
And sensible women know that’s the way it should be. As one ardent Wisconsin female Walker supporter said “women have always been paid less it goes all the way back to the time Women started working. It is unfair but that is life.“*
Other ardent female Walker supporters agree. Women should not be “thinking you HAVE to be paid this because Joe Blow sitting next to you is getting paid more.”* “It degrades women to have the law in place. … How pathetic. Laws like this make women look like needy victims and I’d prefer to earn a salary rather than collect judgement money.“* According to another ardent female Walker supporter, employers should be free to pay less to women: “as a woman if I’m not being paid what I should be, then I change employers.“*
And a malicious rumor is circulating that because Republicans are rolling back discrimination remedies (among other rights), this is a war against women. Not so. If it was, women who ardently support Walker would know. And they don’t: “There is no war on women being waged by Walker or the Republicans!!“*
* Actual statements by ardent female Walker supporters.
Listen people, I need you to cut this crap out. I have a universe to run and contrary to what some tiny, twisted dominionist minds would like to believe, you really are not the only sentient beings in the galaxy. So I’m kinda busy and I’ve really had it up to here (which is a pretty large amount, take my word for it because when I say that, I’ve expanded to the size of a nebula for emphasis).
Let’s get a few things straight so we’re all on the same page.
1. I’m not male, so stop calling me “father.” And I’m not female. I’m a god. We don’t have a gender. If you have trouble with that concept, and have to imagine me as something, think of me as being transgendered. Note to Michelle B. (you know who you are): deal with it. And we need to talk about your husband.
2. I’m not the only one. And none of you have my name right. None of you could pronounce my real name correctly anyway because you only have one mouth. I’m not sure I even like the word “god” which is just “dog” spelled backwards. Of course that’s only in English. Yahweh isn’t too bad but it sounds too much like that game with the dice. Allah is okay I guess and “Great Grand Poobah” is catchy but I’m really not sure. I’ll get back to you on this one.
3. Let’s put a couple of things to bed once and for all. Evolution is real. Seriously, what is it with you people? You really think humans and dinosaurs could co-exist? Are you nuts? The dinosaurs would have eaten you in less than a minute. End of people. What does it take for you to see what’s in front of your face? I mean, it’s not like the scientific evidence isn’t there. Which leads to …
4. Science is real. Stop ignoring it or pretending it’s just one way to look at things. “Creationism” isn’t real. Nor is “intelligent design.” Look into a mirror. You think you’re descended from someone I molded from clay four thousand years ago and a woman I made from his rib? Where do I begin? That’s just crazy talk. It’s not even logical – after all, if you had any sense, you’d have to conclude it was a fairy tale written by someone who may have spent too many days wandering the wilderness under a blazing sun because where did the wives for their sons come from?
5. And that reminds me. They weren’t married. I did not create marriage. You people invented it and believe me, it’s not one of your better ones. And not only did I never create it – I never said (and I’m really not happy about you claiming I did) that marriage was only between a man and a woman. You thought that one up entirely on your own and I suspect it was someone who has an issue with homosexuality because, in case you hadn’t noticed, that happens in other species as well. Try telling a penguin that it’s a “lifestyle choice.”
6. Stop using me (by any name) as an excuse to kill each other. I know this will really torque you fanatics off but your religion is not the best or only true religion – I don’t care which one it is. I’m not into organized religion. I’m not into religion at all. If it offers you some comfort, go with it, but not when it comes to hurting or criticizing people who don’t agree with you or who practice a different faith – or none at all. So stop trying to control or force others to do things your way (Tea Party zealots I’m talking to you). Believe me, your faith is not going to save you. I know. I’m a god.
7. I didn’t dictate the bible. (Who has the time?) I didn’t write the Ten Commandments (Moses found the stone tablets in a “free” box at a garage sale). And I never said that you could use me as an excuse to limit women’s reproductive rights or health care options.
8. And that whole, Jesus is the son of god thing? Let me remind you: I’m not male. I’m not even human. I’m a god. Which logically indicates I probably can’t father human children. (Just saying.) If it comforts you to think otherwise, go with it, but don’t say I misled you on this subject. Jesus certainly set a really good example for others to follow, but I’d like to point out to all those people who claim to be his followers (conservatives I’m talking to you) that very few of you are actually following him. Which gives me a neat segue to …
9. Conservatives. You know who you are. You keep trying to get me all up in your business (i.e. government) and I won’t have it. Let me make one thing perfectly clear … okay more than one thing, but related to each other. You’re humans. You invented government because without it, you’d regress into a primitive shoot to kill random strangers place like Florida. So you have a government. And it’s got a constitution. And you keep trying to put god back into it but god doesn’t want to be there – god wasn’t there in the first place. And if you check your history books (the original editions before you took out all the stuff critical of white people) you’d see that. You added me later. I think Joe McCarthy had a lot to do with it. (Which proves my point about this being a laissez faire job – you think he’d have been born if I had anything to say about it?) So stop trying to put me back into government. I don’t want to be there.
10. Stop blaming everything on me. It makes no sense. What is it with that whole “It’s god’s will” nonsense? This is a strictly “hands off” operation. Bad things happen and I have nothing to do with it. People get sick and injured and die. Lightening strikes. Volcanoes erupt. But you can really improve your chances if you always wear your seat belt, eat right, don’t smoke, exercise, keep your weight down, drink sparingly, look both ways before crossing the street. And cross in cross-walks. And don’t use phones while driving. Or drink and drive. Or do drugs. And listen to weather reports. So the next time your neighbor steps off a curb and gets hit by a bus, don’t say it was “my will.” Say, gee, he really shouldn’t have been texting while walking.
11. The planet is not yours. I didn’t make it for you. You have it by virtue of default and evolution (there it is again!). You aren’t even the most superior species on the planet. You haven’t been here long and the way things are going you might not be here much longer. You have a brain, when are you going to use it? You really think that reproducing irresponsibly (Hello, Duggars!) and over-consuming resources is a good thing? No, I did not authorize this and stop saying I did. Your ice shelves are shrinking and all your glaciers are melting and weather patterns are changing (there’s that science thing again) yet many of you (why do I keep having to mention Conservatives?) still insist that global warming is a hoax. Balloon Boy was a hoax. Learn to tell the difference
12. Back to conservatives again. (You guys are really starting to piss me off – I think you forget that, as a god, I come equipped with the power to smite.) This time the political ones: I don’t talk to you. If I was going to talk to any human it would be a smart, interesting one. Someone like the Dalai Lama. Or maybe Betty White. You really think I have time to talk to every conservative candidate who claims I told him or her to do something? I have a universe to worry about. If I spent all day talking to Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Michelle Bachmann and Newt Gingrich I’d never get anything done. And really, if I was going to talk to them it wouldn’t be to tell them to run for office
And then there’s that annoyingly deluded little popinjay in Wisconsin who thinks I have a plan for him. But then he also thinks I talk to him. And that I told him who to marry. Nope – not in my job description. Seriously – I didn’t tell you to run. I don’t talk to you. And you can’t keep taking my name in vain. You can’t afford the royalties. And I’m strictly non-partisan, but since I believe in evolution, science, the big bang, women’s rights (including reproductive ones) and leaving me out of government, you can probably guess I tend to be progressive.
Seriously people, can’t you handle this one on your own? Don’t make me come down there.
I decided that I was taking the wrong approach to the many responses I got to my craigslist ads (see prior post) from online con artists trying to steal my money. Instead of just reporting them, I realized I could report them AND have a little fun at the same time.
Sometimes these things just come together.
The exchange is copied below. For some unknown reason he never wrote back.
Subject: RE: Dodge Grand Caravan – $2000
Thanks for the prompt response. I am ready to buy it now as a gift for my brother,I am at sea at the moment as i am a marine engineer and due to the nature of my work, phone calls making and visiting of website are restricted but i squeezed out time to check this advert and send you an email regarding it. I really want it to be a surprise for my brother so i wont let him know anything about it until it gets delivered to him, i am sure he will be more than happy with it. I insisted on paypal because i don’t have access to my bank account online as i don’t have internet banking, but i can pay from my paypal account, as i have my bank a/c attached to it, i will need you to give me your paypal email address and the price so i can make the payments asap for it and pls if you don’t have paypal account yet, it is very easy to set up, go to www.paypal.com and get it set up, after you have set it up i will only need the e-mail address you use for registration with paypal so as to put the money through. I have a pickup agent that will come and pick it up after i have made the payment.
Subject: RE: Dodge Grand Caravan – $2000
Thanks for the prompt response, I am glad you have interest in car. I am ready to sell now but am in orbit at the moment as I am a aerospace science engineer and my work keeps me very busy protecting the planet from asteroids and space invaders and government agencies limit my use of internet from space. I don’t have internet banking here but if you give me cash price plus 50% fee for accepting cash (all in U.S. currency) I have a pickup agent that will come and pick it up and when I have the cash will be happy to transfer title to your brother after you have made the payment.
I have a car to sell, two cars actually, that we’ve outgrown. One is the beater my kids drove. Killed two deer. Took out a road sign. Was the victim of a hit and run in the school parking lot. It took a licking but keeps on ticking. The other is a van capable of moving children into dorm rooms.
Because we are so smart, we decided to sell them ourselves. After all, how hard could it be now that we have craigslist? (You know, the free online marketplace for scam artists around the world.)
So I created two ads. Complete with killer photos and tantalizing text. Because we wanted a quick sale, even priced them significantly below book value. Like 50% less: $1000 for the kid’s car, $2000 for the van. Made it clear this was a cash sale by a private owner, requiring payment in full. Posted them on craigslist and waited for the enthusiastic masses to flood my inbox.
And they did.
[Disclaimer: these are real quotes. Do not blame them on me.]
1. The ones with no names:
email@example.com wrote to say “Hi I’m interested I’n the Corsica for sale when is a good time to see it & also your phone # thanks i have cash”
firstname.lastname@example.org offered “1200 cash today??” (for the van priced at $2000).
email@example.com (who, at 6:30 in the evening told me): “I am willing to make a quick buy. Can we make a deal today?”
firstname.lastname@example.org (who, at 7:30 in the evening told me): “do you have the car yet if yes call I will buy to day if I like “
2. The ones who don’t believe in salutations or complete sentences:
“1995 Chevrolet Corsica VIN: 1G1LD55M3SY106434″
“Whats lowest cash price on corsica”
“Whhats all wrong with the car”
3. The ones who believe I should give them the car for next to nothing:
“I am thinking it is pretty high, If you can come down to more reasonable,let me know.”
4. The ones who confuse me with a bank:
“Hi i just wanted to know how fast are you trying to get rid of your car because i really need one. im 5 months pregnant and i am looking for a cheap car b4 i have it. i just recently got a job working at Red Robin and if your willing to do a payment plan, whateva would would for you, that would be great.”
And the people who combined all four:
“Interested in your car”
Great! If you can send me a phone number and name we can talk.
“Adrian text me at 608555****”
Adrian, my land line doesn’t text. Can I call sometime today?
“Okay I wanted to also know of we be able to do a monthly payment since I am in high school and can’t get a loan yet”
(Adrian who couldn’t afford to pay for the car was contacting me using his personal $80 a month smartphone.)
I also heard from five different people who, in an amazing and unprecedented coincidence, somehow managed to write almost identical emails:
Hey, would you come down a little on the price? Also please confirm mileage. Thank you.
Hello, would you come down some on the price? Can you confirm the exact mileage? Are there any mechanical problems? Look forward to hearing back!
Hi, would you come down some on the price? Can you confirm the exact mileage? Are there any mechanical problems? Look forward to hearing back!
Hi there, are you willing to come down some on the price? Can you confirm the exact mileage? Are there any mechanical problems?
Hello, would you come down some on the asking price? Do you know the exact mileage? Are there any engine-related problems? Look forward to hearing back!
And many trusting people were willing to buy my cars without ever seeing them – or having any prior communication with me.
From: Michael Gonzalez (email@example.com)
Thanks you for the response according to the description,am okay with the price and the condition pasted on cl. I am ready to make instant purchase.My mode of payment would be in CERTIFIED CHECK and i will arrange for a local pick up as soon as you get the check, because that is the only inconvenient means for me and due to my work frame i can not be able to get there and i promise everything will go smoothly.I really wish to be there to check out the item but i don’t have chance cause am very busy person (US MARINE). Concerning the pick up, i will arrange for it after you receive the payment and it clears… Pls get back to me with below info so that i can proceed with the payment immediately if you are selling to me.
Address: Not P.O.BOX
Total amount for the item
Phone Number: That i can send text
And as soon as this is provided, the payment will be overnight to you and i will let you know when its mailed out. Thanks and i hope we handle this in good faith while waiting to hear from you. i will add an additional $50 so that you can hold it for me till the check reach you.
And Michelle who, based just on the compelling description in my ads, wanted to buy my cars three different times!
From: Michelle (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Okay, I think that’s going to work for me. My husband Stephen is the one who will be buying it. We worked it out so that he’s buying the car, if I pay for the cost of the policy. I make good money; I know I can afford it, but he wants me to show him at least a general idea of the cost before he buys it for me.
I’m at my work, and they allow internet use to corporate sites only. Could you do me a big favor, and go to Auto Quotes [dangerous link that kills computers and sucks out all financial info inserted here] and grab a quote for me, so I have something to tell him? I’m local, with no tickets or accidents. If you could just let me know how much the monthly rate is and we’ll stop by once I leave work today, if that’s OK with you.
Thanks so much!
From: Michelle (email@example.com)
Alright, so far everything looks good. My fiancé Paul is going to be paying for it. We worked it out so that he’ll pay for the car, if I pay for the policy premiums. I can definitely afford it, but he wants me to give him a basic estimate of the cost before he goes ahead and buys it.
I’m at work, and they limit internet usage to corporate sites only. Would you do a big favor for me, and go to Auto Quotes [dangerous link that kills computers and sucks out all financial info inserted here] and run a quick quote for me, so I have at least something to tell him? We’re local, without any tickets or accidents. Just let me know how much the rate is and we’ll come over after work today, if that’s OK with you.
From: Michelle (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Sweet, I think that’s going to work for me. My fiancé Don is (very generously) buying it for me. We worked it out so that he’s buying the car, if I pay for the monthly policy premiums. I make good money; I know I can afford it, but he just wants to see at least a general idea of the cost before he goes ahead and buys it.
I’m at work right now, and they restrict internet use to corporate web sites only. Would you do a big favor for me, and go to Auto Quotes [dangerous link that kills computers and sucks out all financial info inserted here] and just run a quote for me, so I have at least something to tell him? We’re local, without any tickets or accidents. If you could just tell me what the monthly premium is and we’ll come by after work today, if that works for you.
My first thought was – wow! That Michelle sure is lucky! She not only has a husband, she has two fiancés – and they all want to buy her a car! I guess some gals have all the luck.
And that must be why she has a different email for each of them, to help keep her relationships organized!
I envy that. And I wish I could sell her my car three different times. Each of them. Because I get the feeling she deserves it.
I didn’t win the gazillion dollar lottery prize this week which is a real shame because I would have used that money wisely and donated it for a worthy cause: ending the robo-calls which have made us all afraid of our phones.
I would have endorsed the check to the Republican conservative candidates and PACs (super and non-super) which have been calling (you, me, ALL of us – non-stop hour after hour, day after day, week after week) and told them they could keep it on one condition: they discontinue all political phone calls and leave us in peace.
As every Wisconsinite knows, it’s been hell. The phone rings. Caller I.D. tells me it’s a secret admirer. If I don’t answer, the answering machine does and the robo-call from the Romney Super PAC fills its memory with an impassioned recorded explanation of why Santorum is the worst Republican ever. Or the robo-call from the Santorum Super PAC fills its memory with an impassioned recorded explanation of why Romney is the worst Republican ever. If they accidentally provide a phone number, when I call to complain I get another recording.
Then yesterday I answered the phone and a real person started talking. It was John Klein calling for Conservative Strikeforce in defense of Scott Walker because all the big unions and liberal were railroading him so could they count on my supp — that’s when I interrupted him.
Excuse me, what’s Conservative Strikeforce? He said a PAC in Arlington Virginia founded by Dennis Whitfield in 2009.
Are you being paid by them?
No, he worked for Target Outreach at a call center in Oshkosh.
Oh good, I told him, at least the money is going to a Wisconsin business.
No, he said, Target Outreach is a Canadian corporation but if you give them money it goes to Conservative Strikeforce.
Who are you calling? “Everybody.”
So then I asked, exactly which big unions are railroading Walker?
He didn’t have that information.
Okay – which liberals?
He didn’t have that information.
You can’t name a single person or union?
Exactly how is Scott Walker being railroaded?
He didn’t have that information.
You don’t have that information?
Well, they just give me talking points, but the big unions are out to get Walker because he ended all collective bargaining for all unions.
Well, no, I said, actually he only ended collective bargaining for public unions.
He didn’t think that was true.
You work in Wisconsin and you didn’t know that? Well what about all the other things Walker is doing like hurting women’s rights and repealing equal pay and repealing discrimination remedies and repealing consumer rights and repealing tenant rights and making access to women’s reproductive health care more difficult and kicking people off health insurance and raising taxes on the poor.
He told me Walker hadn’t done those things. I told him yes – in fact he’d signed a bunch of new bills into law this past week. Gee, I said, if you’re going to be saying this stuff, don’t you think you should have facts supporting it? And when Walker keeps saying people are out to get him he sounds paranoid, don’t you think? And doesn’t that make you wonder if he should even be governor? I mean, doesn’t he sound a lot like that crazy Navy officer that Humphrey Bogart played, the one who thought people had stolen his strawberries?
He didn’t know, he’d only seen Casablanca, Treasure of the Sierra Madre and The African Queen.
I told him those were good choices, but he really should watch it, it was a great movie, and the crazy captain would really remind him of Walker. Especially the part with the marbles.
And at some point in all of that, when I asked him for the factual basis for anything he was saying, and told him that conservatives kept making assertions like that but when I asked for their factual basis they couldn’t tell me he asked if I had access to the internet and if I did I should just google it, maybe I could find out that way.
Then he said obviously he couldn’t answer my questions so have a good evening and he hung up.
And that was when I remembered the name of the movie: The Caine Mutiny.
So I tried calling John back at the number showing on my Caller I.D to tell him.
I got a recording.