Category Archives: men

Now this is just nasty.

What do you want to bet he’s not talking about his back? From a real ad:

Middle aged man needs assistance with a shaving service. Please contact me for more details. Needs done every 4-6 weeks. $150.00

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Match Made In Heaven

I hate to clean. It’s a boring waste of time because you just have to do it all over again six months later. My idea of heaven is someone cleaning my house for me. I mean – it couldn’t get any better than that, right?

Wrong.

It could get better: someone who would clean my house. And. Pay. Me. To. Do. It.

I’m not kidding.

Seriously. This guy on craigslist just posted an ad offering $300 per hour if you let him clean your house. That’s it. Just let him clean your house.

All right, so yeah, you might have to yell at him while he’s doing it, because he’s looking for “stern treatment” but who cares? He’s paying you! Even better – point out all the dust he missed and tell him to do it again. Because – and I’m not kidding around – that is exactly what he wants:

someone to be a dominant force in my life, and have me compensate them monetarily … Activities could include public humiliation, me doing chores for you (cleaning your place, washing your car, running errands for you, etc.) or any number of other things. I know that this might sound odd but I will work with anyone interested in any way possible to insure that you are comfortable with the process.”

Publicly humiliate someone? Make them do chores? Treat them as a slave? My children told me I did that for years!

I sure hope no one else has answered this ad:

Looking for stern treatment

I am looking for a woman, group of women, or couple to provide me with ‘stern treatment.’ I know that this may sound odd but by stern treatment I mean that I am looking for someone to be a dominant force in my life, and have me compensate them monetarily … Activities could include public humiliation, me doing chores for you (cleaning your place, washing your car, running errands for you, etc.) or any number of other things. I know that this might sound odd but I will work with anyone interested in any way possible to insure that you are comfortable with the process.”
Compensation: Up to 300 per hour

What?

So I’m surfing the ‘net, doing my thing, when I see this picture and come to a screeching halt, the kind of sudden stop Wile E. Coyote makes when he runs full speed into the side of a cliff for perfectly logical reasons and then asks himself why do I always fall for this crap I need to talk to my agent dammit.

This picture.

Of skateboarding great Tony “The Hawk” Hawk.

Zipping along at a high rate of speed.

On a skateboard.

With his 4-year-old daughter Kadence Clover Hawk.

Swinging her through the air.

At the top of a half-pipe.

A concrete half-pipe.

Surrounded by acres of more concrete.

But no protective gear.

Naturally, some namby pambies thought that such behavior irresponsibly put the child at an increased risk of harm. Where were their helmets? The elbow and knee pads? The shoes?

And naturally, the 44-year-old man who – let’s face it – has never had a grown up job requiring any responsibility in his life, disagreed.

And posted another pic of him and his 4-year-old zipping along at a high rate of speed. On a skateboard. With no protective gear. Saying, “For those that say I endanger my child: it’s more likely that you will fall while walking on the sidewalk than I will while skating with my daughter.”

Take that you namby pambies!

Let’s face it – a guy who names his daughter Kadence Clover is not going to be someone who thinks protective gear is necessary even if he’s Wile E. Coyote.

The real question is: where is Mom? Mom would never let this happen. Oh no. Mom is like, “You did what? Are you out of your mind? I don’t care how many Xbox games are named after you, you are NOT taking that child on a skateboard without a helmet, padding, and some decent shoes! What’s wrong with you? Do you think Mom Andretti would let Mario take the kids out for a spin without their car seats or a seat belt just because he’s a professional driver? Hell no!”

The other real question is: what kind of people say things like “It is not our place to judge … I see nothing wrong … It would freak me out if just anyone were doing it, but it is Tony Hawk.”

Ha! Tell that to Mom Andretti!

Oh no you didn’t!

Dude, what is that? Seriously, dude – what the hell is that thing? That thing hanging off your lower lip! What is up with that? It’s really distracting because it’s just this random piece of fuzz hanging below your mouth, like you just ate a squirrel – whole – and somehow part of its tail got stuck just above your chin, maybe because your gravy can double as wallpaper paste. Or maybe it’s some weird kind of furry caterpillar. Or your razor broke before you finished shaving this morning. Or you’ve been drooling something disgusting. Or you’re in jail and hoping to grow it long enough to braid into an escape ladder.

I don’t know.

What I do know is that it’s not just unsightly, it’s not just sloppy, it’s completely illogical.

I mean really, it’s as if you can’t make up your mind. You think you want facial hair, but can’t decide between a beard, a mustache, or a goatee, so for unknown reasons (you don’t seriously believe it looks good, do you?) decided that having a distracting caterpillar perched over your chin is a good alternative.

(Note: it’s not)

Because it is distracting. But not in a good way. No. More like the people who have way too many piercings so totally creep you out kind of way. (Note: any piercings anywhere but the ears are automatically a distraction; more than 2 per ear also fits this category.) I mean, you know you should look at people when you’re talking to them, it’s the polite thing to do, but when the person is in a service job and has enough metal hanging from their face to qualify as a Borg, it’s not just unsightly. Suddenly you can’t stand to look at them at all, ever, so you stare at the floor, at the ceiling, into your lap, anyplace at all just so long as it’s a place where you don’t have to see what has to be really painful because it’s a piece of metal the size of a pineapple poking through their eyebrow/cheek/nose/lip and suddenly you change your mind and run out of the restaurant/store/mall because you can’t stand it anymore and just want to go home.

It’s not a good look.

Second (for the same reasons), it’s just not attractive. Think about it: it’s just an odd, small, random patch of fuzz. What if women grew odd small patches of fuzz? Maybe a triangle just below their knee cap? Or on their calves? Or better yet, stopped shaving completely? Then used a razor to carefully create odd and whimsical designs on their legs, like spiral stripes, polka dots, or a nice houndstooth check? Or stopped shaving AND stopped combing? Until one day their lower limbs are covered in a crop of luxurious dreadlocks? (I’ve already done this so can honestly say it does not work well with pantyhose.)

So please, don’t call it a soul patch. Call it what it is, a pretentious frou-frou piece of fluff that is the result of the unthinkable and unnatural: Donald Trump’s combover mating with a Tribble.

Take a stand and do women a favor. If you choose to shave, shave wisely and well. We will all be eternally grateful and we won’t be tempted to yank it off while you sleep. Because unless you’re this guy (and even if you are) – we will.

Leave the thinking to us

Hey, girl. You’ve got stuff on your mind. Important stuff. Stuff like hair and makeup. And shoes. And clothes. And what shoes go with what clothes. And whether leggings are so last year. Your head is so full of important stuff like that you have no room in it for unimportant stuff like elections and candidates.

The Republican Party understands. And we’re here to help.

We’re a bunch of conservative white guys who know that you don’t want to waste your time on “information” or fill your pretty little heads with bothersome “issues.” That’s why we here at the YGN (Young Guns Network) created the “YG Woman Up Network,”  so we can do your thinking for you. That way you’ll have time for the important things, like getting your hair and nails done, so you can look your best for your man – because your man knows what’s best for you.

And because we really like it when women are “up” (because, you know, the whole woman on top thing is really hot.) Which is why we say real men know how to woman up!

We even say so on our t-shirts:

That’s why a bunch of us white, male, Republicans who really aren’t “young” or “guns” (we just hope girls will want to bang us when we use hot stud nicknames) have started the “Young Guns,” which is funded in all its multi-faceted glory by deluded-never-gonna-be-even-in-their-wildest-dreams a “young gun,” hunka-hunka burning love billionaires like Sheldon Adelson

who all bear a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hut

(who also likes it when girls called him YG, Just ask Princess Leia).

We like to say “YG” because that sounds studly. And we must be oozing studliness, because the YG Network quickly begat the YG Action Fund Super Pac (which backs Richard  “rape pregnancy is a gift from God” Mourdock), our spin shop the YG Policy Center, and now the “YG Woman” network.

As men, we’re experts who know that anything a man does to you is a gift you should appreciate, whether it’s forced pregnancy or being told what to think.

And which is why we created helpful commercials. In fact, we have a whole youtube network of videos where we just make stuff up, because we know the little women won’t question what we tell them – because we’re men. And we support traditional values like marriage which is God ordained as between a man who goes to work and a woman who stays home, makes babies, and does what her husband tells her to do. And she does it. So help me God.

And God made man to know stuff. Lots of stuff. More stuff than your little head could ever know. Including that as a woman you’re not supposed to think, just listen to your man. And because your little head is so empty, you can be indecisive. What to do, what to do. You just don’t know, poor things.

So we’re here to help by pointing out that looks are important, especially keeping yours up (how else can you be a desirable “Woman on Top”?). And hey – if we have to let you vote, then you need a really good reason to remember who to vote for. And that’s the cute guy. When he’s Republican. That’s the important part. Because if you didn’t have us to think for you, what would you do? That’s right – you don’t know. See why you need us?

EMMA: Hey, Olivia. What’s it gonna be?

OLIVIA: Hi Emma. Hmmm. Latte, cappuccino? I can’t make up my mind.

EMMA: That’s how I felt about this election… until I took a good look at the candidates.

OLIVIA: And?

EMMA: I’m for Sean Duffy. He’s pretty cool, actually. He’s part of this new generation of leaders, the kind we need in Washington. He’s a good husband and father and he fights for small businesses, like mine. So I can keep the doors open and even hire more people.

OLIVIA: He’s the cute one, right?

And the winner is …

Excuse me?

I don’t think he heard me.

EXCUSE ME???????

I’m trying to get the attention of Jason Amazingpsychic Betts, the lunkhead, sexist, boy genius, psychic to blame for creating the “World Genius Directorya fluid list of the world’s top minds compiled from certified IQ tests sent in by listees [i.e. the brainiacs claiming to be brainiacs]. Betts says his site is the definitive ranking.”

And he should know – he’s psychic!

But I don’t question that. Nope. I think anybody should be able to claim to be a genius. Even though it would be easy for psychics because whenever they take an IQ test, they already know the answers. (Which may explain why Jason is on his list.)

Here’s the part I do question. Check out the top 16 smartest people in the world. What do they all have in common (other than spending way too much time taking IQ tests)? I’ll give you a clue: they are all the same sex as the male who created the list.

Seriously? I mean, seriously?????

Six billion people on this planet – more than half of them non-male – and none of them make the top 16?

Please. The numbers should be reversed, if only because this definitively proves women are smarter than men: we don’t spend all our spare time taking IQ tests.

And there are lots to take. And lots of high IQ places to join. Check out some of the fun interests and hobbies of the smartest people in the world:

#2 “sometimes stays up 20 hours a day to finish IQ tests in a bid to knock [#1] out of the top spot.”

#4 admits that “IQ tests have become a fun hobby for him over the last five years and he even created verbal and numerical IQ tests of his own.”

#7 “is a member of at least five high IQ societies.”

#15 is “a member of at least 20 high IQ societies and founded his own.”

#16 “specializes in high end IQ tests, competitions and statistics.”

If that’s what being smart means – I don’t ever want to be that intelligent. Not only is this incredibly boring stuff (IQ tests are a fun hobby???), but who has the time? Either these guys don’t have a life (highly probable) or they still live with their parents (also highly probably) so they have someone else doing all their cooking and cleaning for them, allowing them to spend all night on their computer (“Ivan, dinner time!” “Not now, Mom, I’m solving the derivative of the cosine of the square root of pi and its relation to orbital escape velocity!”)

Women aren’t like that. First, we don’t have the same “mine is bigger than yours” need to compete. Second, we know that this is really boring stuff. Plus we don’t need to prove how smart we are. We already know it. How do we know? The answer is two little words: nail guns.

Based on nail guns, no way could anyone ever think that men are smarter than women, because we aren’t the ones who shoot ourselves with nail guns. And then not even know it.

For example, the man in Colorado who shot himself in the head and didn’t notice. A week later, his dentist took some dental x-rays and discovered the cause of the man’s “toothache.” He was rushed to a local hospital where doctors performed a six-hour operation to remove the 4-inch-long nail stuck in his skull.

One of the surgeons commented that he’s seen this type of accident several times and the victims seem to be exclusively male. Which may explain what happened to the man in Kansas who was helping a friend with a home-improvement project.

They were, of course, using a nail gun instead of a hammer, which accidentally fired while they were installing lattice onto a backyard deck.

As the men looked around for the nail, the friend found it securely holding the victim’s hat to his head. At the hospital, the emergency room doctor removed the nail with a specialized medical device called a claw hammer.

So women have already passed the only IQ test that matters. (Just ask Gail Glaenzer.)

The Complete Republican Guide to Human Female Reproductive Organs

Protecting female reproductive organs is the top priority for the GOP, coming in ahead of jobs, the economy, and who should win “The Voice.”  Historically a subject requiring a medical degree (or personal possession of said organs) – but no longer. This handy pocket-sized reference guide is jam-packed full of everything any Republican ever needs to know to defend women against themselves.

Part 1: The Naughty Bits

This is that uncharted area south of the navel and north of the knees usually marked on medical charts as “Here be Monsters.”

Part 2: Getting Closer

This part does not look at all like guy parts which makes it really, really scary. The female stuff is inside, down a long dark passageway where anything could be hiding. I mean, watch any horror movie about spelunking. People go into caves and they don’t come out.

Part 3: The Va-Jay-Jay or “That Which Must Not Be Named”

No way we’re gonna say the “V” word in a public place. Or a private place. Nobody should say that word. Ever. Anywhere. Because it can make your eyeballs melt in your head. Instead we’ll use medically and anatomically correct and respectful terms: twat, snatch, cooch, box, poontang, and love tunnel.

Part 4: The Journey

Simply put: the love tunnel connects the hoo-haa to the poontang. Somewhere in the nether regions are two whoopdedoos full of unborn persons, waiting for Republicans to free them.

Part 5: Cleaning House

No matter what you call it, this is a dark and dangerous place full of enough yeast to choke a baker; it can only be made safe with a vaginal probe.

Women and doctors might not agree, but what do they know, anyway.

What does it take?

A Republican politician says something incredibly stupid. “So what’s the big deal?” you might ask. “This is the party of Michelle Bachmann, Herman Cain, and Newt ‘The Moon Colonizer’ Gingrich: they are ALWAYS saying something stupid.

Well this time it was something so stupid it pissed off women everywhere and any man who wants those women to vote for him so he can get elected to office.

“Wow,” you’re probably thinking, “it must be really bad.”

You would be right.

Representative Todd Akin, the Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate in Missouri, and a six-term member of Congress beloved by Tea Party conservatives, was making it clear that rape victims can’t get pregnant:

“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare … If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something: I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

Yes, I know what you’re thinking: “Wait a minute, this man with his hocus-pocus-witch-doctor-medieval-flat-earth-society belief system is on the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology?”   How did that happen? Next you’ll tell me that Michelle Bachmann is on the House Committee on Intelligence!” (Ummm. Yes. She is.)

Akin’s remark sent the Republican Party into a tizzy because, despite their best attempts to restrict voting rights to property-owning white males, women can still cast a ballot.

So they immediately all ran to the other side of the room because Akin was now covered in female voter cooties. Even Ron “I married money than used it to buy this neat Senate seat” Johnson (R-Senator WI) knew better: “Todd Akin’s statements are reprehensible and inexcusable and yet one more reason why we need to repeal Obamacare. Because free birth control is easy to get. Just google it.”

Republicans with a little more brains than Ron phrased it a little differently. “After his controversial comments on rape and pregnancy threatened the [Republican] party with widespread political harm,” Mitt Romney announced that “ ‘Congressman Akin’s comments on rape are insulting, inexcusable and, frankly, wrong.’ ”  Because although they all agree with Akin, they have enough sense not to say that stuff in public.

How do we know this? Because they keep saying it in Washington not realizing that we can still hear them. For example, the “personhood” bill (co-sponsored by Akin and newly-anointed Republican V.P. candidate Paul Ryan), AKA the “Sanctity of Life Act,” which pronounced that “human life shall be deemed to begin with fertilization.” In other words: if you get pregnant after being raped (legitimate or otherwise) you have to have the baby.

Because, according to Ryan, Akin, and scores of rich, white, conservative men, a zygote is a person. And a corporation is a person. And both the zygote and the corporation are more important persons than women, because they both should be allowed to dictate women’s reproductive choices.

Which ties in neatly with Akin’s and Ryan’s attempt to redefine “rape” as “forcible rape” (which Akin said was what he was really talking about).

Because Akin was really saying that: 1) women don’t get pregnant if it’s a “real” rape, because their bodies have a natural rape-sperm repellent and 2) if it’s only an alleged rape (she really did consent but changed her mind the next morning which all male Republicans know is 99% of rape accusations) she can get pregnant, but either way she should never be allowed to get an abortion.

His core supporters at the American Family Association and the Family Research Council (staunch defenders of family values like the right to force women to bear unwanted children) stand by Akin, agreeing that he’s absolutely right.

Because it’s not really rape unless a crazed stranger with a gun drags you into some bushes and beats you senseless. And if you get pregnant that’s proof you weren’t raped and therefore you should live with the consequences of your irresponsible choices whether you’re 10 years old and weren’t really raped by your uncle or got your date too excited because you really shouldn’t have dressed that way if you didn’t want sex or were drugged or were just threatened and not violently forced to have sex against your will.

And the people of Missouri appear to agree. A new poll shows Akin still has an edge over the Democratic incumbent in the Senate race.

Dating Dues and Don’ts

I’m no longer playing The Dating Game, which is a good thing because if I were I’d have to slap the other contestants.

Why? Because of exhibit numbers 1 and 2: “Best First-Date Moves For Men” and “Best First-Date Moves For Women,” two informative articles about what makes a “successful” first date, listing what people  should – and should not – do, as determined by “test panels” of self-absorbed men and women who claimed to have experience with date moves.

I was all atwitter (adjective: excited; nervous; aflutter, not to be confused with twitter.com) to see what was important to them. When I was on the market, I was happy if the guy 1) showed up, 2) on time, 3) had all his teeth, and 4) could speak in complete sentences.

Of course, I’m a woman, so I was picky. The guys were willing to settle for a lot less – they generally could be happy with one thing.

People today are different. Not one person in the stories mentioned that one thing. Instead they talked about things I can honestly say never occurred to me. Like this from one of the women who didn’t want a guy who might be nervous: “A little cockiness helps. If a guy talks too much out of nervousness or if his voice cracks, that’s a turn-off.”

I don’t mind nervous (unless it’s because he’s planning a major bank robbery later that night) – but I don’t want cocky. The last thing I want to do is spend time with a self-centered jerk who thinks I should be grateful he asked me out and thus is entitled to have sex with me. However, he would be a good match for the woman who actually said, “I expect to be the center of attention.”

Similarly, among women confidence ranked high on the list of attractive traits. Granted, I could never be happy dating the famously insecure Woody Allen even if he was single (with all his neuroses we could never be alone together), but by “confident,” these ladies mean “talkative, and women like a man who can be a smooth talker. A date either has to be relaxed and confident, or he has to be good at faking it.”

So they want someone who will monopolize the conversation, manipulate them and be good at deception.

These are not what I consider desirable qualities.

And then, if the guy didn’t pass muster on the first date, when asked “What do you do next?” the response was not – let him down easy if he calls again – it was “Phase it out. Let it die. After two or three dates, you don’t owe him an explanation. After a year, maybe you can tell him the truth if you have mutual friends.”

“Phase it out”???? If you know on the first date that the “man doesn’t meet your standards”, the correct answer is NOT “make him take me to dinner a couple more times before I unceremoniously dump him with no explanations.”

Where did they find these women?

Hopefully not the same place they found their “panel of bachelors to discuss what a woman can do to make it a night he won’t easily forget.” I mean – really? Don’t we all already know what the answer to that one is? (Even though not one bachelor was honest about it.)

Instead they talk about looking deep into their eyes, saying please and thank you, and not spending the entire meal on the phone talking to your mother.

All of which sounds reasonable. And not one of them said, “I expect to be the center of attention.” But they did want the woman to dress to impress. At least on the first date (she can be a slob later.)

And they did show a complete lack of understanding of women’s cosmetics. They agreed that “women who are too made up are usually more high-maintenance.” (They must know the Kardashians.) But one of them actually said, “A big turn-off for me is women with overly manicured eyebrows. That’s a bad sign. That means she spends a lot – a lot – of time on her appearance.”

Seriously? “Overly manicured eyebrows”??? What does that mean? And how is it possible? There’s only so much you can do with eyebrows.

How about “overly manicured nails”? Or “overly enhanced eyelashes”? You’ve seen them – eyelash extensions PLUS fake lashes PLUS mascara (with the end result something like this). Now THAT would be high maintenance.

And if that wasn’t silly enough – the bachelors were asked – and actually answered – this question: “What subtle signs can a woman send that lets you know the date is going well?”

Who needs subtle? Sign #1: she’s still there. Sign #2: she hasn’t thrown her drink in your face. Sign #3: she isn’t laughing hysterically as she gives a live, “play by play” description of your date in a conference call to everyone in her phone contact list.

Oddly, women were not asked the same question. And weren’t worried about getting stuck with someone high maintenance. But then, if you’re the center of attention, why would you care?

Creepy Craigslist Ad of the Day*

*Yes – I know I’ve written about creepy craigslist ads before. Just read it. You won’t be “dissappointed.”

Costume models

I’m looking for girls that have sexy halloween costumes. Bring it over and model it for me. If you’re not going to wear it again next year I’ll buy that old costume so you can buy another sexy one next year. Even if you decide you want to keep the costume, come model it I can give you some gas money for your time.

if you’re interested let me know how old you are, and what the costume is. pictures of you in the costume are a plus. you won’t be dissappointed.