When will it stop?

As if I didn’t have enough to worry about: fiscal cliffs, sequesters (which Michelle Bachmann still believes are those giant trees growing in parks in California), asteroids the size of Chris Christie whizzing past earth with only a few millimeters to spare, and exploding meteors, every day I wake up and learn there’s something new to fear.

Like unintentional self-immolation through spontaneous combustion. You know, the people who are just sitting there, sipping a cup of hot cocoa, watching reruns of The A-Team when suddenly every cell in their body goes “fzzzt” as their internal temperature  instantly soars from 98.6 to Farenheit 451 and the next thing you know they’re just a pile of ashes and they wasted $500 on that pre-paid cremation package they bought last year.

Makes it hard to finish a conversation. “So how about them Packers fzzzt.”

Yes, I know it’s rare – but I doubt that’s any consolation to Danny Vandandt, whose charred remains were just found in his home in Tulsa, Oklahoma, baffling local authorities.

I’m betting the key is avoidance. Which might be tricky because no one (aside from conspiracy theorists who watched The X-Files) really knows how it happens. One author has proposed three possibilities:

1. Small, high-powered atomic particles whizzing between the molecules of the body collide, something he calls “the Internal Hiroshima Effect”;
2. Energy flowing up and down the spine becomes unbalanced, triggering a temperature spike;
3. Energy anomalies in the earth.

None of these theories offers me any level of comfort.

1. I have a tough enough time avoiding collisions in my car; I have no control over the trillions of particles whizzing around inside of me. I need to change the subject because I’m starting to hyperventilate just thinking about it.

2. I looked but my body has no thermostat regulating my energy flows. I suspect it’s a birth defect which could prove fatal.

3. This one takes the prize. While I’m trying to not panic as I monitor the orbits of my atomic particles and try to keep my energy flows in balance (I knew I should have mastered feng shui, dammit! Or was it the I Ching? I think I may be in trouble) I’m also supposed to beware of energy anomalies. In. The. Earth. I don’t even know what that means!

What does an energy anomaly look like? How can I avoid it? How does it work? And does this have anything to do with The X-Fil fzzzt.

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Posted on February 20, 2013, in Commentary, Humor, Other. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. You should be syndicated! Do you send your blog to any publications for consideration?

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