Category Archives: driving

God Takes the Wheel

After surviving a recent trip through rush hour traffic, the Pope decided that on today’s highways, maybe prayer isn’t enough, so he climbed the Mount and returned with a new, slightly longer set of Commandments for modern drivers. Remember, these are God’s words. Violate at your own risk.

1. Pick one speed and stick with it. Nothing makes me crazier than the guy in front of me who slows down going up hill, speeds up going downhill and definitely speeds up whenever they’re in a passing zone so I can’t just pass and get away from him. Yes, dammit, I drive a car. Why shouldn’t I?

2. Drivers should drive. Not talk on cell phones, eat lunch, apply makeup, style their hair, read a newspaper or sleep. And definitely not more than one of these at the same time. And you twerps who text and drive? I’ve got a special place in hell for you. Yes. I. Do.

3. Children are not human air bags. In other words, restrain your kids properly in age-appropriate safety seats. Do NOT hold them in your lap. I don’t care if it’s only for a block.

4. People do not make good missiles. In other words, buckle up. I don’t care if it’s only for a block.

5. If you are not disabled, do NOT park in a disabled parking space (I don’t care if you stole someone else’s permit). If you do, you are a lazy, no-good, inconsiderate slob who might find all the air has been let out of your tires while you were in the store for “just a minute.” Or your tires have “disappeared.” Plus I have the power to smite.

6. Yellow means slow down and red really does mean stop, dammit, not giddy up. I mean this.

7. An all-way stop is a stop and wait your turn, NOT a roll and go because you’re more important than everyone else so shouldn’t have to wait. Why do you yahoos think I don’t notice your crap? I do. And I don’t forget it.

8. An all-way stop is a stop and GO when it’s your turn, not a stop and then let’s sit there for ten minutes with me stuck behind you because you’re not sure if maybe you should let everybody else in the world go first and then wait a few minutes more just to see how long I’ll pound my head against the steering wheel. God is NOT supposed to do that, it hurts.

9. If you’re first in the left turn lane and the left turn lane arrow turns green, for crying out loud GO-GO-GO. Do NOT wait until it turns yellow, leaving everyone else still stuck at the light as you go on your merry way. I’m God. I will catch you.

10. If you haven’t used your turn signal, do not turn. Just continue in a straight line until you are far, far away from me.

11. If you want to drive more than ten miles an hour over the speed limit, move to a country with an Autobahn. That’s why I created it, dammit!

12. Blinding everyone else at night with your high beams does NOT make you safer. It does, however, piss me off. Do you really want to piss me off?

13. If you’re driving on the highway and one or more cars are on the shoulder, do not slow down and gawk making everyone behind you for hundreds of miles have to slow down as well, starting a traffic jam that eventually will bring the entire United States interstate highway system to a grinding halt. (I like the United States. I did some of my best work here. What – haven’t you been to Yellowstone?)

14. In parking lots, go a reasonable speed and if you see a parking space for Pete’s sake PARK. Do NOT drive up and down the aisles for thirty minutes looking for a closer space or wait like a vulture for a space to open, engine idling, blocking all traffic while you contribute to global warming. If you do, Al Gore will come looking for you. So will I, but Al scares me.

15. When it starts to rain, do not be afraid; it will not hurt you and you do not need to slow down until you are driving slower than I can walk. Especially if I am stuck behind you.

16. Driving six inches from my back bumper will NOT make me go any faster. Plus I have the power to smite.

17. Four-wheel drive vehicles do NOT stop any faster on ice than the rest of us. For crying out loud, I gave you a brain – start using it!

18. It is never open season on pedestrians. Seriously, I like pedestrians. They are doing all the right things – reducing carbon emissions, loving planet earth, honoring their bodies by getting healthy. Do NOT mess with them.

19. Do not wait until I am less than fifty feet away before pulling out in front of me, making me push my brake pedal to the floor and causing my car to rise up on its front tires and do a little dance. Plus I have the power to smite.

20. If you do not have insurance AND a valid license, do not drive. I’m not kidding.

21. If you’re reading this and wondering what’s wrong with any of the things I listed in the other commandments, do NOT drive. Ever. I mean that. And I will know.

Surprise, Surprise

Actual headline:

Thief takes off with Jeep warming up at East Towne Mall
Woman watched idling vehicle drive away

“Police said she had left the Jeep unlocked.”

 

Who you gonna call?

Celebrities are not like the rest of us.

How do we know?

Try this simple test.

You’re in a serious car accident. You’re injured. You might be bleeding. Other passengers definitely need medical attention.

You scramble for your cell phone.

You dial:

A. 9-1-1.
B. 9-1-1.
C. 9-1-1.
D. 9-1-1.
E. Jodie Foster

If you are a celebrity, the correct answer is “E.”

I mean seriously. Call 9-1-1? Why on earth would anyone do that? That just brings the police and EMT’s! Jodie’s buddy Mel Gibson would be the first person after Lindsay Lohan to tell you that’s the last thing you want to happen.

Which is why when celebrity yogurt spokesperson Jamie Lee Curtis was in an accident recently she did the right thing and called Jodie. Who rushed to the scene to help.

Possibly because even though she’s not a real doctor, she’s a good enough actor to play one if she wanted to.

And On the Seventh Day He Made Them Mad

How do I know this? My life is living proof. Every Sunday the stars align and my world becomes the critical mass necessary to spark a nuclear holocaust.

It starts with something simple, like stepping out of the shower, the first step in preparing for an audition, getting ready to blow dry and style my hair so I don’t look like The Bride of Frankenstein.

Of course, at that precise second, the power goes off. Then on. Then off. And stays off. Which means not only can I really not do anything about the hair, it also means putting on makeup in the dark. AND not being able to print out the word document I had carefully prepared with all the audition information on it including contact name, telephone number, and exact location, and which is now hidden behind a darkened screen because I could always print it after my shower, after all, what could go wrong?

And then it’s getting on the interstate to drive to the audition and getting stuck behind that idiot in the left lane because the idiot ALWAYS drives in the left lane because that is where he was taught to drive, operating his vehicle at all times at or below the speed limit. For this idiot the right lane does not exist; it is invisible or at best merely a wide shoulder where, god help all of us, he will park to change a tire should it become necessary at which time he will cause even greater havoc which will, of course, happen on a Sunday but thankfully it is not this Sunday and eventually I am able to pass him on the right and reach the audition after which I decide to eat lunch at the Whole Foods down the street even thought it’s Sunday.

Yes, that Whole Foods, the perfect place for pretentious people who want to overpay for groceries while acting self-righteous because they are shopping at Whole Foods. Anyway, because of those high prices, the store can afford to give away food, so whenever I’m in the neighborhood I stop by. This time I start in the produce section with some tangy grapefruit and mandarin orange sections, then stroll toward the deli, pausing to eat some freshly made guacamole and assorted salsas on multigrain tortilla chips. After that I savor several varieties of cheese, some sausage, and roasted red pepper hummus on pita chips, topping it off with a lovely cabernet and finally some hot spiced chai.

Sometimes I even buy stuff, if the store will let me. But they don’t make it easy. I picked up an ad flyer from a full display rack of identical ad flyers, happy to note several items at excellent sales prices. As I wander aimlessly for twenty minutes, unable to locate them, a helpful clerk offers to lead me to them. Which is when I discover the flyer expired two weeks ago which explains why I couldn’t find them and the clerk decides she doesn’t like my scowl at which point she says having weeks old outdated sales flyers still in racks to mislead and disappoint customers just happens and I agree because it is, after all, Sunday.

So I depart and head for the nearby Trader Joe’s (the Jimmy Buffett alternative to Whole Foods – seriously – he works register 3). Which I know will be a mistake (it’s Sunday) but I really need to get a multi-grain baguette and crushed garlic so decide to chance it. Only this Trader Joe’s has a basement parking garage designed for those miniature sub-sub compact smart cars while I drive a car large enough for full-size human beings and as soon as I pull in I learn the garage is full because a line of cars is stopped in front of me and I can’t back out because a car is now stopped behind me but after waiting 10 minutes a parked car directly in front of me backs out and just as I am about to pull into the vacant spot a van zips past from the opposite direction and pulls. Into. My. Spot.

So I do what I should have done in the first place: find street parking a block away. And as I step out of my car it begins to rain.

Eventually I’m back on the highway headed home only to once again be trapped behind the left lane drivers who have never grasped the reasons for having multiple lanes of traffic and minimum speeds, or the true meaning of “passing lane only” or “slower traffic keep right” signs. Which means I am the caboose in a train going 45 mph – in the left lane of a 65 mph interstate.

Thankfully, I have six days to rest.

Where do I begin?

Read this. Don’t ask why, just do it:

A memorial service has been scheduled in Wisconsin on Friday, Dec. 14, for the woman who was driving a stolen car when she crashed into another vehicle on Route 38 in Campton Hills on Dec. 1, killing a Maple Park man and injuring two other people.

We have a woman (with a suspended license) driving a stolen car.  One that she stole. Involved in a hit and run. Then a high speed chase. Then later causes a crash by driving in the wrong lane that, in addition to killing her, kills an innocent young man and his dog, and injures his girlfriend and others.

And an obituary which states that she died as “a result of a motor vehicle accident.”

That’s like saying Nixon resigned the presidency for health reasons.

I understand that despite her being a criminal who killed people, someone may have cared about her. But seriously – even if you think Hitler deserved a memorial service, wouldn’t you keep it private? And quiet?

(And no – I am NOT comparing her to Hitler so please don’t write angry comments claiming I am. I’m just trying to make a point.)

Ethical Dilemmas

You’re driving along and notice an empty car off the road. The engine is running. The windshield wipers are on. It’s 4 a.m.. No one is around.

Naturally you think, “Hmmm. How strange. And suspicious. I should call the cops and report this.”

You clearly lack the correct criminal attitude. What you should do is take the keys out of the ignition, open the trunk, and try to steal the car’s speakers. That way you’ll find the dead body hidden there.

Now comes the dilemma. Do you:

a. take the speakers, wipe your prints, and continue on your way;

b. take the speakers, wipe your prints, and then call the cops as a concerned citizen to report the car knowing (after watching C.S.I) that they’ll find your DNA, but you don’t know nothing about no speakers;

c. not take the speakers and then call the cops as a concerned citizen to report the car knowing (after watching C.S.I) that they’ll find your DNA;

d. call the cops and tell them you found a body while trying to steal some car speakers.

Stupid criminal response: a, b, or c.

Really stupid criminal response: d. Seriously: Looking for something to steal, man finds body in trunk.

Karma

Rapper tweets before dying in car accident.

Really Irritating Driving Stuff

People who don’t turn left when they have a left turn arrow.

People who turn left when they don’t have a left turn arrow.

People who go slow in the fast/passing lane.

People who go slow until you start to pass them.

People who drive three inches from your back bumper.

People who don’t use seat belts.

People who don’t put their kids in car seats.

People who don’t make sure their kids are using seat belts.

People who drive 10 mph in a 25 mph zone.

People who sideswipe your car in the parking lot and leave.

People who drive without car insurance.

People driving without car insurance who sideswipe your car in the parking lot.