Category Archives: feminism

Damn good letter

Sometimes I surprise myself by writing something which I think is actually decent. Other times I surprise myself by thinking that and actually being right. Other times I surprise myself by stumbling across an old letter in a stack of papers (those who criticize my filing system don’t understand it) and realizing I need to share it with the world. I may be wrong, but permit me the occasional delusion.

June 27, 2012

The Atlantic
600 New Hampshire Ave, N.W.
Washington, D.C. 20037

Dear Sir or Madame,

I had never heard of “Elizabeth Wurtzel” before. Something which – in light of her self-absorbed, self-importance – she would probably consider an impossibility.

Little did I know that anyone other than George Will could earn a living merely by being sufficiently insufferable.

Then I read 1% Wives Are Helping Kill Feminism and Make the War on Women Possible, which I at first mistook for an ill-advised, deeply flawed attempt at satire before realizing the author was, in fact, taking herself seriously as she made pronouncements on a subject about which she knows little and understands even less.

Here’s what she said (in fewer than fifty words): women only have value if they get paid. Being a mom is not a job. If women don’t have a job because they choose to be a stay-at-home mom, their husbands think all women are dumb. And THAT is the reason for the war on women.

And here are some of the gobsmackingly astounding things she wrote.

Who can possibly take feminism seriously when it allows everything, as long as women choose it? The whole point to begin with was that women were losing their minds pushing mops and strollers all day without a room or a salary of their own.

Wow. Just wow. I mean – the whole point of the feminist movement was allowing women the freedom of being able to choose because women were sick of having no choices, of being treated as inferior beings, denied equal opportunities and treated disparately because of their gender.

And no, it wasn’t that women “were losing their minds” – merely that being treated as property (or children) by a patriarchal society, limited to narrow roles in home, schools, and the workforce was intolerable in a society which pretended to offer liberty and justice for all.

Got pregnant? You’re fired. Got married? You’re fired. Won’t have sex with me? You’re fired. Want sports? Forget it. Want to be a lawyer, a pilot, a doctor, a dentist, a firefighter? Forget it. Want equal pay? Gee, you’re cute when you’re angry.

Let’s please be serious grown-ups: real feminists don’t depend on men. Real feminists earn a living, have money and means of their own.

Whoa! She doesn’t even realize that “real feminists” often are men. And that “real feminists” believe that opportunities and rights should not be denied or abridged on account of sex (which works for both genders – including Mr. Moms.)

This woman claims to be a lawyer – so she should be well acquainted with the established principle recognized by the courts that marriages are economic partnerships and each partner contributes value even if not a paycheck. And that, by law, it’s not “his” paycheck – it’s hers too.

All of which those same courts take into account when dividing assets in divorce proceedings. That male executive who worked his way up the corporate ladder to the multimillion dollar salary? He was able to do so because his worthless stay-at-home wife was his unpaid assistant, entertaining clients at dinner parties, organizing charitable fund-raising events, buying the gifts and sending the cards that resulted in profitable business deals, and taking care of their home so he could focus on business instead of the mundane details of life that drag people down – things like picking up the dry cleaning.

And it is those ladies – those stay-at-home wives in wealthy families (who, after all, don’t get a pay check) – who she uses to condemn all the fairer sex as failures unless they have a real job – you know, one with a real pay check. Without one you just aren’t equal. Because “there really is only one kind of equality … and it’s economic. If you can’t pay your own rent, you are not an adult. You are a dependent.”

[T]hese women are the reason their husbands think all women are dumb … As it happens, fewer than 5 percent of the CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies, 16 percent of corporate executives, and 17 percent of law partners are female. The men, the husbands of the 1 percent, are on trading floors or in office complexes with other men all day, and to the extent that they see anyone who isn’t male it’s pretty much just secretaries and assistants.

There you have it: the reason women earn less than men, the reason women hit a glass ceiling, the reason women are not 51% of CEO’s, corporate executives, law partners – or elected officials – is their own fault. It has nothing to do with discrimination, with centuries of being chattel, of having few to no rights, with living in a society where the power continues to remain vested primarily with white males.

It’s all “because feminism has misread its mission of equality” and “being a mother isn’t really work.”

In other words: being equal means you don’t have the right to choose.

Perhaps you feel controversy might help you sell magazines. At least let the controversy be based on well-informed and well-reasoned (if differing) opinions. Not pretentious, pompous poop like this.

Sincerely,
Wisconsinwit

Leave the thinking to us

Hey, girl. You’ve got stuff on your mind. Important stuff. Stuff like hair and makeup. And shoes. And clothes. And what shoes go with what clothes. And whether leggings are so last year. Your head is so full of important stuff like that you have no room in it for unimportant stuff like elections and candidates.

The Republican Party understands. And we’re here to help.

We’re a bunch of conservative white guys who know that you don’t want to waste your time on “information” or fill your pretty little heads with bothersome “issues.” That’s why we here at the YGN (Young Guns Network) created the “YG Woman Up Network,”  so we can do your thinking for you. That way you’ll have time for the important things, like getting your hair and nails done, so you can look your best for your man – because your man knows what’s best for you.

And because we really like it when women are “up” (because, you know, the whole woman on top thing is really hot.) Which is why we say real men know how to woman up!

We even say so on our t-shirts:

That’s why a bunch of us white, male, Republicans who really aren’t “young” or “guns” (we just hope girls will want to bang us when we use hot stud nicknames) have started the “Young Guns,” which is funded in all its multi-faceted glory by deluded-never-gonna-be-even-in-their-wildest-dreams a “young gun,” hunka-hunka burning love billionaires like Sheldon Adelson

who all bear a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hut

(who also likes it when girls called him YG, Just ask Princess Leia).

We like to say “YG” because that sounds studly. And we must be oozing studliness, because the YG Network quickly begat the YG Action Fund Super Pac (which backs Richard  “rape pregnancy is a gift from God” Mourdock), our spin shop the YG Policy Center, and now the “YG Woman” network.

As men, we’re experts who know that anything a man does to you is a gift you should appreciate, whether it’s forced pregnancy or being told what to think.

And which is why we created helpful commercials. In fact, we have a whole youtube network of videos where we just make stuff up, because we know the little women won’t question what we tell them – because we’re men. And we support traditional values like marriage which is God ordained as between a man who goes to work and a woman who stays home, makes babies, and does what her husband tells her to do. And she does it. So help me God.

And God made man to know stuff. Lots of stuff. More stuff than your little head could ever know. Including that as a woman you’re not supposed to think, just listen to your man. And because your little head is so empty, you can be indecisive. What to do, what to do. You just don’t know, poor things.

So we’re here to help by pointing out that looks are important, especially keeping yours up (how else can you be a desirable “Woman on Top”?). And hey – if we have to let you vote, then you need a really good reason to remember who to vote for. And that’s the cute guy. When he’s Republican. That’s the important part. Because if you didn’t have us to think for you, what would you do? That’s right – you don’t know. See why you need us?

EMMA: Hey, Olivia. What’s it gonna be?

OLIVIA: Hi Emma. Hmmm. Latte, cappuccino? I can’t make up my mind.

EMMA: That’s how I felt about this election… until I took a good look at the candidates.

OLIVIA: And?

EMMA: I’m for Sean Duffy. He’s pretty cool, actually. He’s part of this new generation of leaders, the kind we need in Washington. He’s a good husband and father and he fights for small businesses, like mine. So I can keep the doors open and even hire more people.

OLIVIA: He’s the cute one, right?

And the winner is …

Excuse me?

I don’t think he heard me.

EXCUSE ME???????

I’m trying to get the attention of Jason Amazingpsychic Betts, the lunkhead, sexist, boy genius, psychic to blame for creating the “World Genius Directorya fluid list of the world’s top minds compiled from certified IQ tests sent in by listees [i.e. the brainiacs claiming to be brainiacs]. Betts says his site is the definitive ranking.”

And he should know – he’s psychic!

But I don’t question that. Nope. I think anybody should be able to claim to be a genius. Even though it would be easy for psychics because whenever they take an IQ test, they already know the answers. (Which may explain why Jason is on his list.)

Here’s the part I do question. Check out the top 16 smartest people in the world. What do they all have in common (other than spending way too much time taking IQ tests)? I’ll give you a clue: they are all the same sex as the male who created the list.

Seriously? I mean, seriously?????

Six billion people on this planet – more than half of them non-male – and none of them make the top 16?

Please. The numbers should be reversed, if only because this definitively proves women are smarter than men: we don’t spend all our spare time taking IQ tests.

And there are lots to take. And lots of high IQ places to join. Check out some of the fun interests and hobbies of the smartest people in the world:

#2 “sometimes stays up 20 hours a day to finish IQ tests in a bid to knock [#1] out of the top spot.”

#4 admits that “IQ tests have become a fun hobby for him over the last five years and he even created verbal and numerical IQ tests of his own.”

#7 “is a member of at least five high IQ societies.”

#15 is “a member of at least 20 high IQ societies and founded his own.”

#16 “specializes in high end IQ tests, competitions and statistics.”

If that’s what being smart means – I don’t ever want to be that intelligent. Not only is this incredibly boring stuff (IQ tests are a fun hobby???), but who has the time? Either these guys don’t have a life (highly probable) or they still live with their parents (also highly probably) so they have someone else doing all their cooking and cleaning for them, allowing them to spend all night on their computer (“Ivan, dinner time!” “Not now, Mom, I’m solving the derivative of the cosine of the square root of pi and its relation to orbital escape velocity!”)

Women aren’t like that. First, we don’t have the same “mine is bigger than yours” need to compete. Second, we know that this is really boring stuff. Plus we don’t need to prove how smart we are. We already know it. How do we know? The answer is two little words: nail guns.

Based on nail guns, no way could anyone ever think that men are smarter than women, because we aren’t the ones who shoot ourselves with nail guns. And then not even know it.

For example, the man in Colorado who shot himself in the head and didn’t notice. A week later, his dentist took some dental x-rays and discovered the cause of the man’s “toothache.” He was rushed to a local hospital where doctors performed a six-hour operation to remove the 4-inch-long nail stuck in his skull.

One of the surgeons commented that he’s seen this type of accident several times and the victims seem to be exclusively male. Which may explain what happened to the man in Kansas who was helping a friend with a home-improvement project.

They were, of course, using a nail gun instead of a hammer, which accidentally fired while they were installing lattice onto a backyard deck.

As the men looked around for the nail, the friend found it securely holding the victim’s hat to his head. At the hospital, the emergency room doctor removed the nail with a specialized medical device called a claw hammer.

So women have already passed the only IQ test that matters. (Just ask Gail Glaenzer.)

Irony

Story: Should Elementary Schools Hold Beauty Pageants?

on webpage next to “Team Mom video” Five Minutes to Fabulous.

The Complete Republican Guide to Human Female Reproductive Organs

Protecting female reproductive organs is the top priority for the GOP, coming in ahead of jobs, the economy, and who should win “The Voice.”  Historically a subject requiring a medical degree (or personal possession of said organs) – but no longer. This handy pocket-sized reference guide is jam-packed full of everything any Republican ever needs to know to defend women against themselves.

Part 1: The Naughty Bits

This is that uncharted area south of the navel and north of the knees usually marked on medical charts as “Here be Monsters.”

Part 2: Getting Closer

This part does not look at all like guy parts which makes it really, really scary. The female stuff is inside, down a long dark passageway where anything could be hiding. I mean, watch any horror movie about spelunking. People go into caves and they don’t come out.

Part 3: The Va-Jay-Jay or “That Which Must Not Be Named”

No way we’re gonna say the “V” word in a public place. Or a private place. Nobody should say that word. Ever. Anywhere. Because it can make your eyeballs melt in your head. Instead we’ll use medically and anatomically correct and respectful terms: twat, snatch, cooch, box, poontang, and love tunnel.

Part 4: The Journey

Simply put: the love tunnel connects the hoo-haa to the poontang. Somewhere in the nether regions are two whoopdedoos full of unborn persons, waiting for Republicans to free them.

Part 5: Cleaning House

No matter what you call it, this is a dark and dangerous place full of enough yeast to choke a baker; it can only be made safe with a vaginal probe.

Women and doctors might not agree, but what do they know, anyway.

Yes indeed, we really are that stupid.

In case you didn’t believe me the first time

“A national survey by FindLaw.com, a legal information Web site, found that nearly two-thirds of Americans can’t name any of the nine members of the Supreme Court of the United States.

In fact, results show that only 34 percent of Americans can name any member of the nation’s highest court, and only one percent can correctly name all nine justices.”

But then, these are the same people who believe President Obama is Muslim, women who have been raped can’t get pregnant, global warming is a hoax, want English as the official language (even though they can’t spell it) and that Elvis has not left the building.

Maybe we should require an intelligence test to vote instead of a photo ID.

Missing the Target

This is a hoot (no pun intended – it really is deliciously ironic): Hooters – you know, the chain that started the “breastaurant craze” (skinny waitresses with cartoonishly large breasts wearing costumes two sizes too small that leave nothing to the imagination causing men to flock in droves to drool over they didn’t care what was on the plate) – is trying to “revitalize its brand.”

What that really means is that the company has learned what women have always known: there are only so many men to go around. In other words, with other breastaurant chains opening faster than you can say “Maidenform,” Hooters’ revenue has dropped faster than those breasts will after having children.

So sad.

Anyway, the bright marketing guys at Hooters realized that they were ignoring over half of the population.

Hmmm. Wonder which half that could be.

“Since its founding, Hooters has essentially targeted one demographic: men. But that leaves 50% of the market entirely ignored … [it] is now undergoing a three- to five-year revitalization plan, which will include an updated menu, renovated restaurants, and an attempt to attract a demographic that has not historically patronized Hooters in large numbers: women.”

Wow. Bare, bulging breasts didn’t attract women? How did that happen?!

As one “Don’t Call Me Sexist” executive commented, “Historically the lion’s share [of Hooters’] position was all about the [Hooters’] girls. It’s worked relatively well, but we see ourselves in a bigger place than that.”

The bright marketing guys know exactly what they need to do to get to that “bigger place”: salads.

That’s right, all they have to do to appeal to the female demographic is update the menu so that their young, mostly-naked with breasts the size of Rhode Island “girls” can deliver a tasty low-calorie salad to the table.

Because everybody knows women don’t mind being objectified or called “girls”.

Yep. That should attract the female demographic.

Because we all know how much women like salads. And how stupid they are.

At least according to those bright marketing guys.

Pretentious. Pompous. Poop.

I had never heard of this person before. Something which – in light of her self-absorbed, self-importance – she would probably consider an impossibility. Not her fault, really – rather the fault of the people who encouraged her by actually publishing her smug, superficial, self-involved ramblings.

Little did I know that anyone other than George Will could be paid merely for being sufficiently insufferable.

Then I read an article, 1% Wives Are Helping Kill Feminism and Make the War on Women Possible, which I at first mistook for an ill-advised, deeply flawed attempt at satire before realizing the author was, in fact, taking herself seriously as she made pronouncements on a subject about which she knows little and understands even less.

Here’s what she said (in fewer than fifty words): women only have value if they get paid. Being a mom is not a job. If women don’t have a job because they choose to be a stay at home mom, their husbands think all women are dumb. And THAT is the reason for the war on women.

Amazing, isn’t it?

Here are some of the gobsmackingly astounding things she wrote.

“Who can possibly take feminism seriously when it allows everything, as long as women choose it? The whole point to begin with was that women were losing their minds pushing mops and strollers all day without a room or a salary of their own.”

Wow. Just wow.

I mean – the whole point of the feminist movement was allowing women the freedom of being able to choose because women were sick of having no choices, being treated as inferior beings, denied equal opportunities and treated disparately because of their gender.

And no, it wasn’t that women “were losing their minds” – merely that being treated as property (or children) by a patriarchal society, limited to narrow roles in home, schools, and the workforce was intolerable in a society that pretended to offer liberty and justice for all.

Got pregnant? You’re fired. Got married? You’re fired. Won’t have sex with me? You’re fired. Want sports? Forget it. Want to be a lawyer, a pilot, a doctor, a dentist, a firefighter? Forget it. Want equal pay? Gee, you’re cute when you’re angry.

“Let’s please be serious grown-ups: real feminists don’t depend on men. Real feminists earn a living, have money and means of their own.”

Whoa! She doesn’t even realize that real feminists often are men. And real feminists believe that opportunities and rights should not be denied or abridged on account of sex (which works for both genders – including Mr. Moms.)

This woman claims to be a lawyer – so she should be well acquainted with the established principle recognized by the courts that marriages are economic partnerships and each partner contributes value even if not a paycheck. And that, by law, it’s not “his” paycheck – it’s hers too.

All of which those same courts take into account when dividing assets in divorce proceedings. That male executive who worked his way up the corporate ladder to the multimillion dollar salary? He was able to do so because his worthless stay at home wife was his unpaid assistant, entertaining clients at dinner parties, organizing charitable fund-raising events, buying the gifts and sending the cards that resulted in profitable business deals, and taking care of their home so he could focus on business instead of the mundane details of life that drag people down – things like picking up the dry cleaning.

And it is those ladies – those stay-at-home wives in wealthy families (who, after all, don’t get a pay check) – who she uses to condemn all the fairer sex as failures unless they have a real job – you know, one with a real pay check. Without one you just aren’t equal. Because “there really is only one kind of equality … and it’s economic. If you can’t pay your own rent, you are not an adult. You are a dependent.”

[T]hese women are the reason their husbands think all women are dumb … As it happens, fewer than 5 percent of the CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies, 16 percent of corporate executives, and 17 percent of law partners are female. The men, the husbands of the 1 percent, are on trading floors or in office complexes with other men all day, and to the extent that they see anyone who isn’t male it’s pretty much just secretaries and assistants.”

There you have it: the reason women earn less than men, the reason women hit a glass ceiling, the reason women are not 51% of CEO’s, corporate executives, law partners – or elected officials – is their own fault. It has nothing to do with discrimination, with centuries of being chattel, of having few to no rights, with living in a society where the power continues to remain vested primarily with white males.

It’s all “because feminism has misread its mission of equality” and “being a mother isn’t really work.”

In other words: being equal means you don’t have the right to choose.

Get a job.