Category Archives: global warming
After surviving a recent trip through rush hour traffic, the Pope decided that on today’s highways, maybe prayer isn’t enough, so he climbed the Mount and returned with a new, slightly longer set of Commandments for modern drivers. Remember, these are God’s words. Violate at your own risk.
1. Pick one speed and stick with it. Nothing makes me crazier than the guy in front of me who slows down going up hill, speeds up going downhill and definitely speeds up whenever they’re in a passing zone so I can’t just pass and get away from him. Yes, dammit, I drive a car. Why shouldn’t I?
2. Drivers should drive. Not talk on cell phones, eat lunch, apply makeup, style their hair, read a newspaper or sleep. And definitely not more than one of these at the same time. And you twerps who text and drive? I’ve got a special place in hell for you. Yes. I. Do.
3. Children are not human air bags. In other words, restrain your kids properly in age-appropriate safety seats. Do NOT hold them in your lap. I don’t care if it’s only for a block.
4. People do not make good missiles. In other words, buckle up. I don’t care if it’s only for a block.
5. If you are not disabled, do NOT park in a disabled parking space (I don’t care if you stole someone else’s permit). If you do, you are a lazy, no-good, inconsiderate slob who might find all the air has been let out of your tires while you were in the store for “just a minute.” Or your tires have “disappeared.” Plus I have the power to smite.
6. Yellow means slow down and red really does mean stop, dammit, not giddy up. I mean this.
7. An all-way stop is a stop and wait your turn, NOT a roll and go because you’re more important than everyone else so shouldn’t have to wait. Why do you yahoos think I don’t notice your crap? I do. And I don’t forget it.
8. An all-way stop is a stop and GO when it’s your turn, not a stop and then let’s sit there for ten minutes with me stuck behind you because you’re not sure if maybe you should let everybody else in the world go first and then wait a few minutes more just to see how long I’ll pound my head against the steering wheel. God is NOT supposed to do that, it hurts.
9. If you’re first in the left turn lane and the left turn lane arrow turns green, for crying out loud GO-GO-GO. Do NOT wait until it turns yellow, leaving everyone else still stuck at the light as you go on your merry way. I’m God. I will catch you.
10. If you haven’t used your turn signal, do not turn. Just continue in a straight line until you are far, far away from me.
11. If you want to drive more than ten miles an hour over the speed limit, move to a country with an Autobahn. That’s why I created it, dammit!
12. Blinding everyone else at night with your high beams does NOT make you safer. It does, however, piss me off. Do you really want to piss me off?
13. If you’re driving on the highway and one or more cars are on the shoulder, do not slow down and gawk making everyone behind you for hundreds of miles have to slow down as well, starting a traffic jam that eventually will bring the entire United States interstate highway system to a grinding halt. (I like the United States. I did some of my best work here. What – haven’t you been to Yellowstone?)
14. In parking lots, go a reasonable speed and if you see a parking space for Pete’s sake PARK. Do NOT drive up and down the aisles for thirty minutes looking for a closer space or wait like a vulture for a space to open, engine idling, blocking all traffic while you contribute to global warming. If you do, Al Gore will come looking for you. So will I, but Al scares me.
15. When it starts to rain, do not be afraid; it will not hurt you and you do not need to slow down until you are driving slower than I can walk. Especially if I am stuck behind you.
16. Driving six inches from my back bumper will NOT make me go any faster. Plus I have the power to smite.
17. Four-wheel drive vehicles do NOT stop any faster on ice than the rest of us. For crying out loud, I gave you a brain – start using it!
18. It is never open season on pedestrians. Seriously, I like pedestrians. They are doing all the right things – reducing carbon emissions, loving planet earth, honoring their bodies by getting healthy. Do NOT mess with them.
19. Do not wait until I am less than fifty feet away before pulling out in front of me, making me push my brake pedal to the floor and causing my car to rise up on its front tires and do a little dance. Plus I have the power to smite.
20. If you do not have insurance AND a valid license, do not drive. I’m not kidding.
21. If you’re reading this and wondering what’s wrong with any of the things I listed in the other commandments, do NOT drive. Ever. I mean that. And I will know.
I don’t know how you got my email address or whether I just pissed off someone with a really nasty temper who then fraudulently subscribed me on some far-right-wing-nut web page so that I would forever have my in-box filled with solicitations for donations from “true patriots” who want to help “take back our country” and give “grassroots freedom-fighters the tools they need to fight Big Government and protect America’s liberty.”
I do have to ask – by “grass-roots” do you mean the billionaire Koch-financed effort to convert the government into a subsidiary of Koch Industries?
And did you know that when you say “FreedomWorks” aloud it sounds like “Fweedumwoks” ? Go ahead, try it. It really does. (Which, of course, means Elmer Fudd is actually a furry “true patriot” living on Endor. Think about that.)
Anyway, you emailed me a survey. It didn’t ask any sensible questions so I didn’t respond which is why you decided to send it to me again because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me!
Far be it from me to disappoint you.
You asked me to “rank these issues in order of importance (1-5).” Those issues were as follows:
- Stop libtard bureaucrats from ruining our schools and dumbing down America’s kids with things like science and reasoning skills.
- No gun control because the civil liberties protected in our Bill of Rights must be protected at all costs. If it’s the 2nd Amendment. The rest can be compromised to protect us from Kenyan Muslim Usurpers.
- Stop government spending we don’t need it look at Somalia no government so no government spending and they’re doing okay all they need are enough guns and thanks to the 2nd Amendment we got those.
- Defund ObamaCare: Congress must ensure not one more penny goes to funding that fearsome Godzilla of socialized medicine by spending millions of tax dollars on ineffective votes to repeal the Affordable Care Act.
- Defending the House: We the Tin-Foil Hat People must defend the House and prevent another round of Speaker Nancy Pelosi because she’s like a damn comet that keeps circling back and we much prefer Ted Nugent even if he runs in circles like a rabid three-legged dog biting his own tail.
I’m not being critical but for some reason these “issues” somehow – how do I say this with delicacy, hmmmm – seem completely insane and don’t reflect any issue of any importance to any rational human being.
Because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me, here they are:
1. Climate change. Won’t we all share a hearty laugh when it turns out to be real and we no longer have a place to live?
3. Emails from billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. On second thought, #2 will take care of that.
4. Billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. Oh, wait. Never mind.
5. Billionaires David and Charles Koch. Oh, wait.
#2 should be #1, shouldn’t it?
I’m sure you and your billionaire backers agree, right?
The Question: We have children going hungry, income inequality at historic levels, global warming, catastrophic weather, Republicans across the nation rolling back women’s rights on everything from equal pay to sexual harassment to reproductive choice, yet instead of meaningful, in-depth coverage of these or other vital issues we get mind-numbingly inane animal updates. Why?
Actual headlines I just copied off CNN:
- Stolen dog statue found
- Woman finds snake in potatoes
- Man survives bobcat attack
- Woman rescues hummingbird
- Family allowed to keep deer
- Dog thrives with three legs
- Tiger attacks employee
- Dead leopard found in Indiana
I just did something that very likely no adult human being has ever done before: I got expelled from the YMCA.
That’s not the exact terminology they used, but that’s what they meant.
What really surprised me though is how unsurprised some people who know me were when they heard the news.
Wait – it’s not what it seems. It’s just that I’m living proof that “no good deed goes unpunished.” You’d think I’d know better by now.
It all started when I noticed cans and bottles in the trash at the Y. All the local branches of the Y. The Y being an organization which claims that “social responsibility” is one of its prime directives.
And I noticed that the large, wall mounted, flat screen TV’s were always on. Dozens of them. All the time. In all the local branches of the Y. Even when no one was in the room.
So one day I turned them off, not knowing I had just stepped onto the primrose path that would lead me straight to hell. Which turns out is a word I’m not supposed to use in front of little pip-squeaks who have Napoleonic complexes — but I digress.
A staffer immediately began following me, turning them all back on.
Because, it seems, it was the Y policy that all the TV’s be on all the time. So that members would know the Y was open. (Being unable to see the lights, the staff, the other members, or the “open” sign on the door under the posted hours of operation.)
This is when I took my second step down that path: I decided the policy seemed silly. I would save the planet.
So I asked a staff member who I should talk to about recycling options and saving energy and the staff member took my name and number and said someone would call. Six months later, when nobody ever did I tried again.
This comedy routine went on for 2 years.
Eventually I realized I might need a more direct approach so I emailed the Director of Administration my concerns and questions, foolishly assuming that person might know something about “Administration.” After three days with no response, I emailed again. Two days later, I received this answer to my detailed list of concerns and questions: “Thank you for being a YMCA member and for sharing your member experience.”
I tried again. And again. And again. (Yes, I’m stupid.) “Thank you again for your support of the YMCA.”
So I emailed the Director of Facility Operations my concerns and questions, foolishly assuming that person might know something about “Facility Operations.” The next day he wrote, “thank you for your concerns, they are noted.”
I tried again. And again. And again. (Yes, I’m stupid.)
Eventually the little pip-squeak with a Napoleonic complex Director of Membership Services contacted me (after the other two forwarded my emails to him instead of answering me).
We met. He wouldn’t answer questions. After telling me he didn’t recycle at home he refused to discuss recycling further. He changed the subject. He wanted to know if I was a Christian. And what kind of car I drove. And when I asked what the hell he blustered like the mini-flyweight poppycock he is and told me I couldn’t use that sort of language in front of him while I wondered if he’d ever been in the weight room when one of the guys dropped a weight on their foot.
But after I asked for the 25th time why the TV’s had to be on all the time, he told me that TV’s must be on because when he began working here, the person who trained him (who is no longer there) told him the Y’s “policy” (which is not in writing) is to leave all the televisions on all the time the Y’s are open.
He refused to discuss changing the policy or to allow members the choice to turn them on or off as they wished. He insisted he was the final authority on the subject and there was no one above him I could speak to about it.
This of course meant I had to find someone above him to talk to. This was a mistake.
I went to the “Annual Membership Meeting.” Which of course meant I was the only member there.
Did I mention I was the only member there?
And that this was the “Annual Membership Meeting.” Specifically for members?
And, earlier that day, the staff at the front desk told me the meeting never had an agenda, they never use one?
And when I walked into that meeting, sitting on the entrance table, next to a blank sign-in sheet, was a stack of the non-existent agendas that are never used?
Did I have enough sense to leave right then?
Even though staff had told me the Board of Directors (25 of them) attended the “Annual Membership Meeting.” And only 3 of them bothered to show up?
And did the chair of the board of directors (who chaired this meeting), when he saw that I was the only member present for the meeting, pitch the agenda (which they don’t use anyway) and talk to me?
Instead, after he laboriously went through every item listed and came to the last item on the agenda, “member feedback,” I stood, handed him a summary of my concerns (both environmental – let’s recycle and save energy – and the lack of responsiveness to and communication with members which might explain why I was the only member there) and went over them.
And did he say he’d take them to the Board as I asked?
Instead, the CEO sitting next to him glared at me, announced he knew all about me, that all conversations with me had been documented and they had fully responded to me.
Flabbergasted, I asked how to cancel my (prepaid for the next year) membership and get a refund. The CEO told me the front desk could tell me. When I stopped on the way out, they told me they didn’t know how.
A few days later, I came home to find a message from the CEO. In a preemptive strike which would only make sense to Kim Jung Un, he announced he had suspended my membership effective immediately. No mention of a refund.
He explained that [unidentified] “they” had been watching me and several [unidentified] people had concerns about my [unidentified] conduct.
Nobody ever told me that saving the planet might make you paranoid.
Top Secret Strategy Meeting at Scott Walker HQ:
White Guy #1: Listen guys, I’ve called this meeting today because we have a crisis.
White Guy #2: So what else is new?
White Guy #1: Not funny, #2. Listen, last time we convinced the fools – with the help of Koch money – that “it’s working.” Wisconsin was “open for business” and we were “moving in the right direction.” Those “unions” were to blame for a massive deficit – that didn’t really exist – with their outrageous salaries and benefits. And then we told them how we saved “a billion dollars” by ending collective bargaining. But that crap only goes so far. Now we have another budget that screws the little guy while rewarding the wealthy. We have to sell them on it. But how?
White Guy #3: I think we’re in deep do-do here. I, mean, how stupid can they be?
White Guy #2: I think you’re overestimating their intelligence.
White Guy #1: No way – we were pushing the envelope last time.
White Guy #2: Wrong. Do you seriously think anyone who had even an ounce of intelligence would believe a word of what we say at this point? I mean, we kept telling people Walker was focused “like a laser” on jobs as we pushed through an extremist agenda that didn’t have anything to do with the subject! It was masterful! $2.3 billion in tax breaks to special interests. Repeal the equal pay law, repeal consumer protections, repeal tenant rights, roll back reproductive rights, roll back environmental protections, push through tort “reform” that protected businesses and victimized patients! At the same time, we plunged toward the bottom in job creation and economic outlook! Conservatives around the country were in awe! I mean – Scotty told one whopper after another and anytime he got fact-checked, all we had to do was blame it on the liberal media. Look at his record on politifact! I tell you these sheeple are so dumb we could blame poor people for global warming and the masses will not only believe it – they’ll be buying pitchforks and torches.
White Guy #2: Way.
White Guy #1. Wait a minute … I think #3 might be on to something. Let’s see. The budget is designed to … hmmm —
White Guy #2: Entitlements!
White Guy #1: What?
White Guy #2: Call them entitlements.
White Guy #3: But that’s not accurate!
White Guy #2: Who cares about being accurate?
White Guy #1: Yes, yes, I’m beginning to understand – entitlements and … dependency!
White Guy #2: Now you got it! And use the word “reforms” – sheeple just eat that up.
White Guy #1: Balancing our budget through entitlement reforms! We’re not depriving the needy to give more to the greedy – we’re giving the poor a hand up, not a hand out! Moving them from dependency to independence.
White Guy #3: What? Are you guys nuts? This has nothing to do with the budget! And doesn’t save taxpayers any money! The real problem is Scotty’s corporate welfare! He’s throwing money at special interests and slashing funding for everything else!
White Guy #2 (to Guy #3): Do you like working here?
White Guy #1: It’s brilliant! Blame those non-existent slackers sucking up our tax dollars! We can use random meaningless words like “Freedom”, “Prosperity” and “Independence.” Or better yet: “More Prosperity,” “Better Performance,” and “True Independence.” And PowerPoint! We can dazzle the masses with PowerPoint! You know – lots of charts and bullet points, but no real information, the mindless masses just LOVE that crap. And we can pay for all of the propaganda with tax dollars!
White Guy #2: I beat you to it. Already have it prepared for release. We’ll start with USA Today. I call it “Government dependence not American Dream.”
“How many of us grew up with the dream of someday being dependent on the government?
I certainly did not. The idea just seems foreign to the American Dream.
Sadly, there are some in our nation’s capital who measure success in government by how many are dependent on the government. The massive expansion of Medicaid, waivers of work programs for food stamps and the extension of unemployment benefits may all be well-intentioned, but is more government dependence really such a good thing?”
Guy #3: Wait a minute, none of that is true!
Guy #1: Shut up. Go on, #2.
“There is dignity in working hard to provide for a future of your own choosing. In turn, it leads to more freedom and more prosperity for all.
Last Wednesday, I introduced a state budget focused on helping people transition from government dependency to true independence.
Our plans forgo the temptation of the temporary financial incentives from Washington to expand Medicaid. Instead, we crafted a plan reducing the number of uninsured in our state by 224,580.
For the rest, we transition them into the private and exchange markets, where the lowest premium starts at $19 per month.”
White Guy #3: That’s not true either!
White Guy #1: I’m not saying this again, #3. Shut up.
White Guy #2 (continuing): “Our budget plans provide employment training for able-bodied childless adults receiving food stamps.
Going forward, more than 75,000 people in our state will be enrolled in job training in order to obtain food stamps.
In addition, we are looking to double the weekly requirement for jobs searches for those on unemployment from two times a week to four or more.”
White Guy #3: But how are people working full-time going to be able to take job training? And how will people in job training be able to look for work at least four times a week? This makes no sense!
White Guy #2 (ignoring the interruption): “It is important to give temporary hand up to those in need, but for those who are able, we should not provide a permanent hand out. Our goal is simple: transition people from government dependence to true independence.
It’s why we celebrate the 4th of July and not April 15th. In our country, we celebrate true independence because more freedom and more prosperity are what drive the American Dream.”
White Guy #3: But it’s all just a load of bull!
White Guy #2: So what’s your point?
How to tell the difference between a worthy cause and a lost cause (or when to stop flushing money down the toilet)
It only takes one storm surge to teach most people that building homes at sea level near oceans is probably not a good idea.
Most of the people who don’t catch on the first time will probably catch on after losing home number two.
And after home number three is swept away, even the thickest numbskull will pack whatever they can salvage from the flood waters and immediately buy a one-way ticket to Denver (AKA the Mile High City).
Surely no one could lose more than three homes and remain. Okay, so if they stay, surely they would rent instead of buy, right?
“Wait, I’m getting an update from the studio. Is that right, [insert news anchor name here]? We’ve found someone who lost more than three homes and stayed? What? I think you broke up. You found someone who lost FIVE homes and has plans for number six? Did I hear you correctly?”
“Dear sweet baby geezus are you kidding me? Oh – I’m still on the air? Sorry.”
“We’re cutting to our on the spot reporter who, even as we speak, is standing amid the receding flood waters and devastation that was Isaac, talking to the intrepid survivor.”
On the spot reporter: “We’re standing here in the receding flood waters and devastation that was Isaac, talking to the intrepid survivor who has now lost five homes in this area to hurricanes.”
Intrepid survivor: “Yup, I lost a home to a hurricane for the first time back in ’65. That was Betsy, a real whopper that one. Next I lost my home to Juan in ’85 and after that was, hmmm, yup, it was George in ’98 and of course there was Katrina in 2005. And now Isaac.”
On the spot reporter: “And all of these were homes at sea level near the ocean?”
Intrepid survivor: “Of course! Look around you! The entire southern part of the state is at or below sea level.”
On the spot reporter: “After losing five homes to hurricanes, are you thinking about moving to higher ground?”
Intrepid survivor: “I was born here. It’s home, home, home.”
On the spot reporter: “Supporters of the family have created a PayPal account for donations to help them rebuild so that next year, they can say it’s home, home, home, home, home, home.”
In case you didn’t believe me the first time …
“A national survey by FindLaw.com, a legal information Web site, found that nearly two-thirds of Americans can’t name any of the nine members of the Supreme Court of the United States.
In fact, results show that only 34 percent of Americans can name any member of the nation’s highest court, and only one percent can correctly name all nine justices.”
But then, these are the same people who believe President Obama is Muslim, women who have been raped can’t get pregnant, global warming is a hoax, want English as the official language (even though they can’t spell it) and that Elvis has not left the building.
Maybe we should require an intelligence test to vote instead of a photo ID.
So far in 2012, the United States had its warmest spring, its warmest year to date, and warmest 12-month stretch on record.
That’s 90 years away – and you’ll be dead by then.
So let’s drill, baby, drill.