Category Archives: NRA

Stupid is as Stupid Does

Dear FreedomWorks,

I don’t know how you got my email address or whether I just pissed off someone with a really nasty temper who then fraudulently subscribed me on some far-right-wing-nut web page so that I would forever have my in-box filled with solicitations for donations from “true patriots” who want to help “take back our country” and give “grassroots freedom-fighters the tools they need to fight Big Government and protect America’s liberty.”

I do have to ask – by “grass-roots” do you mean the billionaire Koch-financed effort to convert the government into a subsidiary of Koch Industries?

Just wondered.

And did you know that when you say “FreedomWorks” aloud it sounds like “Fweedumwoks” ? Go ahead, try it. It really does. (Which, of course, means Elmer Fudd is actually a furry “true patriot” living on Endor. Think about that.)

Anyway, you emailed me a survey. It didn’t ask any sensible questions so I didn’t respond which is why you decided to send it to me again because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me!

Far be it from me to disappoint you.

You asked me to “rank these issues in order of importance (1-5).” Those issues were as follows:

  • Stop libtard bureaucrats from ruining our schools and dumbing down America’s kids with things like science and reasoning skills.
  • No gun control because the civil liberties protected in our Bill of Rights must be protected at all costs. If it’s the 2nd Amendment. The rest can be compromised to protect us from Kenyan Muslim Usurpers.
  • Stop government spending we don’t need it look at Somalia no government so no government spending and they’re doing okay all they need are enough guns and thanks to the 2nd Amendment we got those.
  • Defund ObamaCare: Congress must ensure not one more penny goes to funding that fearsome Godzilla of socialized medicine by spending millions of tax dollars on ineffective votes to repeal the Affordable Care Act.
  • Defending the House: We the Tin-Foil Hat People must defend the House and prevent another round of Speaker Nancy Pelosi because she’s like a damn comet that keeps circling back and we much prefer Ted Nugent even if he runs in circles like a rabid three-legged dog biting his own tail.

I’m not being critical but for some reason these “issues” somehow – how do I say this with delicacy, hmmmm – seem completely insane and don’t reflect any issue of any importance to any rational human being.


Because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me, here they are:

1. Climate change. Won’t we all share a hearty laugh when it turns out to be real and we no longer have a place to live?

2. Money in politics. Seriously – fix that and we can fix #1.

3. Emails from billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. On second thought, #2 will take care of that.

4. Billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. Oh, wait. Never mind.

5. Billionaires David and Charles Koch. Oh, wait.

6. Wall Street. Corporate Welfare. Income inequality.



#2 should be #1, shouldn’t it?

I’m sure you and your billionaire backers agree, right?

Another NRA WTF Moment

Gun owner shoots Chihuahua.

Breaking Report: Man’s Best Friend Shoots Man

A Florida man was in his truck with his dog when, in a shocking move that caught the man completely by surprise, the dog suddenly kicked a gun that was on the truck’s floor. The gun went off, shooting the man in the leg.

“I was driving down the road with Rover like I always do – Rover loves going for rides – when my dog kicked my unloaded .380 pistol which I always just leave laying on the floor of my truck because you never know when you might need it and it was unloaded so it was perfectly safe. Then my unloaded gun fired, shooting a bullet into my leg. It happened so fast. I heard a boom, then I saw smoke, then I felt a burning sensation in my leg. At first I thought maybe one of them atomic bombs had gone off and got mighty scared. Then I thought maybe it was a miracle and that scared me too.”

He was surprised to learn that not only was his gun loaded, it was actually a 9mm weapon, not a .380. “But I know the gun wasn’t loaded. So how in the world?” He turned and looked at his dog.

The police ruled the shooting accidental.

The American Taliban: A Cult of Hate

Manhattan, New YorkChicago, Illinois. Oak Creek, Wisconsin. Aurora, Colorado. Tucson, Arizona. Fort Hood, Texas.

The United States has the honor of being the global leader in mass shootingsat least 60 in the last 30 years. Most of the killers got their guns legally.

And it will continue.

We have created a perfect storm for slaughter: unregulated weapons and a cult of hate.

Conservative leaders, almost all fundamental Christians (and all of them members of the Republican party), have identified their enemy – anyone who doesn’t share their faith or narrow world view: Muslims, illegal aliens, members of the LGBT community, minorities, progressives – even teachers and first responders are demonized.

And they tell their followers how that enemy should be neutralized.

Republican Sarah Palin’s motto is: “Don’t Retreat, reload!” She created an online campaign push against Democrats from 20 conservative districts (“Take back the 20”) who had voted for the health care bill, including a map of the United States complete with crosshair targets located over those districts. One of those districts was (now former) Rep. Gabrielle Giffords‘.

Rep. Giffords’ Republican opponent, Jesse Kelly, held an event in June 2010 promoted as “Get on target for victory … help remove Gabrielle Giffords from office shoot a fully automatic M16 with Jesse Kelly.”

Republican candidate Sharon Angle suggested that “Second Amendment remedies” should be used to deal with a “tyrannical” U.S. government as well as to replace her opponent (Democrat) Harry Reid.

Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann wanted her supporters to be armed and dangerous.”

Joe the Plumber, currently a Republican candidate for Congress in Ohio, announced that the way to solve the country’s immigration problem is to station troops along the border and have them “start shooting.”

A (Republican) Texas judge is preparing for civil war if Obama is re-elected.

Republican Tommy Thompson, former Wisconsin governor and now candidate for U.S. Senate, laughingly and enthusiastically called for making Scott Walker protestors “black and blue.”

Republican Governor Scott Walker himself, good Christian that he is, was taped laughing about beating protestors with a baseball bat with his name on it.

Gun-toting Republican musician Ted Nugent recently implied that he would assassinate President Obama if he is re-elected.

These are not isolated incidents. These are a systemic and systematic effort among conservatives to incite hatred, to prevail over those they oppose or dislike (or with whom they merely disagree) with extreme measures in a stand your ground, make my day, let anyone buy whatever kind of killing machine they can carry anywhere and anytime because by God they have God on their side.

These are fanatics.

On August 1, 2012, The National Hispanic Media Coalition and UCLA Chicano Studies Research Center released a study showing that the conservative media consistently spews the same hate-filled vitriol as conservative leaders. “The findings reveal that the hosts promoted an insular discourse that focused on, for example, anti-immigration, anti-Islam, and pro-Tea Party positions and that this discourse found repetition and amplification through social media.”

“The social network surrounding conservative talk radio and Fox News has spread to social media websites resulting in ‘an echo-chamber of voices, both online and off, that promotes hatred against ethnic, racial and religious groups and the LGBT community on social media web sites.’

Using hateful rhetoric, these hosts have cast immigrants as disease ridden, equated pro-immigrant organizations with neo-Nazis, called Islam an ‘evil religion,’ claimed the Obama administration is promoting ‘race riots’ and made fun of the ethnicity of Asian-American politicians.”

And they all oppose gun control.

Not surprisingly, the NRA supports them.

Dear NRA: You’re Nuts

(Updated from 11 months ago because what I said then is even truer now.)

Article II (of what’s called the Bill of Rights): “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

This is Yoda speak for: listen, we just overthrew unilateral rule by a monarchy so we’re a little touchy on the subject of subjugation. Right now, as a loose coalition of states, the only thing between us and being conquered by outsiders is our ability to grab our trusty single-shot, muzzle-loading musket from the closet and run out the door to meet up with the other guys in town to repel invaders. After all, it’s not like we have a standing army to defend us and we’re a little leery of losing our state rights so we want to keep the right to have our own militia thank you very much.

Yes, Mrs. Higgins knows you slept through this chapter because you flunked the quiz and frankly my dear, she doesn’t give a damn (that you flunked the quiz because you need consequences but she does care whether you grasp basic concepts like this because conservatives and wingnuts like the N.R.A. have really got this screwed up).

Newsflash to wingnuts and nut jobs: what you call the “Second Amendment” and the “right to keep and bear arms” referred to the states’ right to maintain a civilian militia. That’s it. Nothing more or less than that. I don’t care what some lily-livered, weak-kneed, spineless judges have said in deference to powerful lobbyists, it was not an unlimited birth right to maintain a personal arsenal bigger than most NATO nations currently have stockpiled. Nor does it mean you should be able to pack heat whenever and wherever you want.

And if you disagree then consider moving to Somalia or some other delightfully unregulated gun market in Africa. Please. I hear they even let you have your own weapons grade plutonium over there. And SAM’s. And other essential hunting tools. Send us your forwarding address when you get there so we know which country to avoid.

So yes – the government should be able to regulate gun ownership and possession. Including what guns you can own. And what training you should have. And what kind of ammo. Because nobody needs assault rifles like the AR-15 used in the Colorado massacre. Or high-capacity 100 round magazines.

If you choose to hunt that’s entirely up to you but I really don’t think that going after Bambi with an AK-47 is sportsmanlike conduct. And if you want a handgun as part of your personal home protection plan, that’s fine, so long as you don’t decide you want to take it to the local mall and start slaughtering people. Or get mad because your wife is going to divorce you so you chase her down and shoot her and several co-workers who made the mistake of coming to work sick that day because their employer doesn’t offer paid sick leave. Or get drunk and pissed off at a local bar. Or leave it where one or more young children can find it and start to play cowboy with the neat toy. Or decide it’s okay to shoot the purse snatcher in the back as he flees. Bang, bang.

What’s that? The N.R.A. says that infringes on your second amendment rights? See what I mean about them being wingnuts?