Category Archives: cleaning

Match Made In Heaven

I hate to clean. It’s a boring waste of time because you just have to do it all over again six months later. My idea of heaven is someone cleaning my house for me. I mean – it couldn’t get any better than that, right?

Wrong.

It could get better: someone who would clean my house. And. Pay. Me. To. Do. It.

I’m not kidding.

Seriously. This guy on craigslist just posted an ad offering $300 per hour if you let him clean your house. That’s it. Just let him clean your house.

All right, so yeah, you might have to yell at him while he’s doing it, because he’s looking for “stern treatment” but who cares? He’s paying you! Even better – point out all the dust he missed and tell him to do it again. Because – and I’m not kidding around – that is exactly what he wants:

someone to be a dominant force in my life, and have me compensate them monetarily … Activities could include public humiliation, me doing chores for you (cleaning your place, washing your car, running errands for you, etc.) or any number of other things. I know that this might sound odd but I will work with anyone interested in any way possible to insure that you are comfortable with the process.”

Publicly humiliate someone? Make them do chores? Treat them as a slave? My children told me I did that for years!

I sure hope no one else has answered this ad:

Looking for stern treatment

I am looking for a woman, group of women, or couple to provide me with ‘stern treatment.’ I know that this may sound odd but by stern treatment I mean that I am looking for someone to be a dominant force in my life, and have me compensate them monetarily … Activities could include public humiliation, me doing chores for you (cleaning your place, washing your car, running errands for you, etc.) or any number of other things. I know that this might sound odd but I will work with anyone interested in any way possible to insure that you are comfortable with the process.”
Compensation: Up to 300 per hour

More Fun With Lists

So here I am. Writing my blog again. Why am I writing a blog instead of earning real money writing real articles like “15 super-frugal saving tips“?

Because I’d rather rip off my own fingers, one at a time, than write something that 1) people already know or 2) is really, really stupid. Or both.

Doubt me? Here’s the caption after the title: “Big-time penny-pinchers will go all out to cut back on spending. These strategies can help them save more than the average consumer.”

Here are the actual tips (the comments are mine):

1. Take cold showers: this bright idea will save money by lowering power and water bills through shorter showers (reducing energy and water use).  Until you consider the medical expenses for men after their testicles retreat into their bodies seeking warmth or the real risk that people will skip showers altogether, increasing usage (and adding the cost) of air fresheners and colognes.

2. Get rid of your car: Great, just great. The .001% of the population who has access to affordable public transportation gets to save a whole lot of money. The rest of us (you know – 99.999%) can commute on foot or bicycle. All year long. Including winter. When, during that long, dark, bitterly cold bike ride home, you get frost bite and hypothermia. Requiring the amputation of two toes, an ear, and your left pinky. While recovering in the hospital, brighten your day thinking about how not having the expense of a car will let you pay .001% of your hospital bill.

3. Stop using a fridge: We know how much money the Amish save with this tactic. Or do they? Can’t they use gasoline-powered generators? So maybe they don’t save any money at all. Or is it the Mennonites? They both look the same to me. Does that make me a bigot?

4. Replace your house with an RV: what could be cheaper – or easier – than traditional housing? So much less to keep clean! So much less space to call home! Or seek privacy! Which you remember a split second too late after you have a fight with your roommate and stalk out, slamming the door as you exit the RV while it rolls down the highway at 60 miles per hour.

5. Bake cookies in your car: really? What whack job thought this up? Oh. That’s right. The same whack job who thinks that parking your car in the sun on a 95+ degree day and waiting 2.5 hours for the cookies to bake is okay. Nobody waits that long for cookies. Just eat the damn cookie dough. Same amount of energy saved, no waiting.

6. Reuse plastic sandwich bags: the only tip so far that makes any sense. Except when the bag is used to transport body parts, anthrax, or arsenic.

7. Turn car off while it’s still moving: Best idea yet! What could possibly go wrong? Let’s just turn off the engine while we’re coasting even though the car isn’t burning any measurable gasoline. Just be careful not to turn the key to the — wait a minute! Ack! I accidentally turned the key to the “locked” position! Look out for that truc–

8. Make your own cleaning supplies: like Tip #6, not a bad idea. Better idea: don’t clean, save even more!

9. Stop drinking soda (or other beverages): Sooo smart. Stop drinking beverages of all kinds. Save money for the funeral which will happen shortly after you die of dehydration.

10. Move in with your parents: I’m betting it wasn’t a parent who thought this up. Better yet – don’t give them the chance to say no. Just say you’re coming home for a visit and then never leave.

11. Buy in bulk: because everyone needs a closet full of gallon jars of olives. Which segues nicely to …

12. Stockpile supplies: won’t necessarily save you money, but in the event of a zombie attack, you won’t have to risk a trip to the grocery store.

13. Compare prices: First, make sure you convert to the same unit of measurement. For example, when buying steak, note that filet mignon, at $19 a pound, looks more expensive than the caviar at $18 an ounce, making the caviar look like a better deal. Until you realize that caviar is raw fish eggs and THAT could mean you’d eventually cough up a sturgeon and you don’t even like fish.

14. Cook big: nothing saves money like eating leftovers for a week because by the third night you’ll decide not to eat anything at all, saving even more!

15. Plan ahead: be a “Surprise! Just thought I’d drop by, my that smells good” uninvited guest who coincidentally happens to arrive as people are sitting down to dinner. Change destination nightly.

Why you should never, ever, ever clean house.

Because if you do, afterward you will inevitably realize that, in a burst of cleaning frenzy, you threw away that scrap of paper with a phone number on it that you desperately need, forcing you to spend the afternoon inside your 5 foot tall recycling bin looking for it.

It’s smelly in there.