Category Archives: facial hair

Oh no you didn’t!

Dude, what is that? Seriously, dude – what the hell is that thing? That thing hanging off your lower lip! What is up with that? It’s really distracting because it’s just this random piece of fuzz hanging below your mouth, like you just ate a squirrel – whole – and somehow part of its tail got stuck just above your chin, maybe because your gravy can double as wallpaper paste. Or maybe it’s some weird kind of furry caterpillar. Or your razor broke before you finished shaving this morning. Or you’ve been drooling something disgusting. Or you’re in jail and hoping to grow it long enough to braid into an escape ladder.

I don’t know.

What I do know is that it’s not just unsightly, it’s not just sloppy, it’s completely illogical.

I mean really, it’s as if you can’t make up your mind. You think you want facial hair, but can’t decide between a beard, a mustache, or a goatee, so for unknown reasons (you don’t seriously believe it looks good, do you?) decided that having a distracting caterpillar perched over your chin is a good alternative.

(Note: it’s not)

Because it is distracting. But not in a good way. No. More like the people who have way too many piercings so totally creep you out kind of way. (Note: any piercings anywhere but the ears are automatically a distraction; more than 2 per ear also fits this category.) I mean, you know you should look at people when you’re talking to them, it’s the polite thing to do, but when the person is in a service job and has enough metal hanging from their face to qualify as a Borg, it’s not just unsightly. Suddenly you can’t stand to look at them at all, ever, so you stare at the floor, at the ceiling, into your lap, anyplace at all just so long as it’s a place where you don’t have to see what has to be really painful because it’s a piece of metal the size of a pineapple poking through their eyebrow/cheek/nose/lip and suddenly you change your mind and run out of the restaurant/store/mall because you can’t stand it anymore and just want to go home.

It’s not a good look.

Second (for the same reasons), it’s just not attractive. Think about it: it’s just an odd, small, random patch of fuzz. What if women grew odd small patches of fuzz? Maybe a triangle just below their knee cap? Or on their calves? Or better yet, stopped shaving completely? Then used a razor to carefully create odd and whimsical designs on their legs, like spiral stripes, polka dots, or a nice houndstooth check? Or stopped shaving AND stopped combing? Until one day their lower limbs are covered in a crop of luxurious dreadlocks? (I’ve already done this so can honestly say it does not work well with pantyhose.)

So please, don’t call it a soul patch. Call it what it is, a pretentious frou-frou piece of fluff that is the result of the unthinkable and unnatural: Donald Trump’s combover mating with a Tribble.

Take a stand and do women a favor. If you choose to shave, shave wisely and well. We will all be eternally grateful and we won’t be tempted to yank it off while you sleep. Because unless you’re this guy (and even if you are) – we will.