Category Archives: Pope
Faith-based organization desires spiritual leader 24/7/365 with experience in channeling God’s word.
Location: Mediterranean peninsula
Compensation: Life-time appointment with unlimited supply of holy water. Performance bonus based on number of converts. Two palaces complete with palace guards; personal chef; in-house physician; all the lasagna you can eat. Relocation assistance available.
Tend a flock of 1.2 billion souls (tarnish-free staff provided).
Male, preferably Caucasian; Roman Catholic (or willing to become one). Fluency in Latin preferred. Ability to look good in hats and colorful robes a plus.
Infallibility in matters of doctrine essential; in weather forecasting helpful.
Apply via private email in strictest confidence to email@example.com.
Please visit our website to learn about other exciting career opportunities: http://www.vatican.va-va-voom.net.
Note: not an equal opportunity employer.
Reporters rushed to the Vatican to ask him about it: “Pope Benedict, you’re the first pope to retire in more than 600 years! What are you going to do next?” His Papal Holiness answered, “I’m going to Disneyworld! And then maybe have a cheese sandwich.”
Meanwhile, back in the College of Cardinals …
“He retired? Can he do that? I mean, no pope has retired since the Dark Ages!”
“Of course he can do that if he wants, he’s the Pope! He’s infallible!”
“But what’s he going to do? Where is he going to live? He can’t stay here.”
“He’ll do what everybody does when they retire. Move to a nice retirement community, play some shuffleboard, maybe buy an RV and travel.”
Two months later, in a retirement community somewhere north of Rome …
Four grey and grizzled men sit around a table, playing poker. One of them suddenly throws his hand down and leaps up. “You dirty S.O.B. – you cheated! I know you did!” Another player says, “Ben, chill out, he didn’t cheat.” “Shut up Vic! If I say he cheated, he cheated! I should know! I used to be the pope! I’m infallible!”
“Infallible, shmallible. Shut up and play.”
That’s it! I’ve had it with you guys. I don’t get the respect I deserve. I’m taking a road trip to see my people.”
The next day …
Ben sits behind the gold-plated steering wheel of a stretch-RV, golf cart in tow. Driving along a coastal highway high above the sea, he hums the Hallelujah Chorus from “The Messiah.” He practices his papal blessing as he hums, causing the RV to weave from one shoulder to the other, oblivious to the screams coming from the cars he forces off the road and down the steep drop to the azure waters crashing onto the jagged rocks below.
The next day …
Ben waits expectantly in a village square next to a world famous statue of the Holy Virgin Mary. Tourists and locals walk by, ignoring him. As yet another tour group passes without seeking his blessing he slams one end of his walking stick into the cobblestones and shouts, “What’s the matter with you people! Don’t you know an ex-pope when you see one?” “Listen old man, the key word here is ‘ex’ – now would you move out of the way so we can get some pictures?”
A few days later …
Two Swiss Colony guards dressed in gaily-colored clown suits and carrying medieval weapons, march back and forth in front of the main entrance to the Vatican. A cloaked figure creeps along the wall nearby, heading for the gateway. One of the guards notices and motions to the other guard. They turn and walk up to the cloaked figure.
“Come on, Ben, we know it’s you.”
“I’m here on a mission from God.”
“Sorry, but rules are rules.”
“You’ve got to let me in! I changed my mind! I still want to be the pope.”
“Ben, we’ve been over this before, we already have a new pope.”
“Please. I’ll do anything! I’ll let you wear my trifecta … I’ll let you borrow the pope-mobile! Anything! All you have to do is ask!”
“Let me in or I’ll smite you with my papal staff!”
“Ben, that’s not a staff, it’s a walking stick. Come on, it’s almost the end of my shift. Give me a break, okay? Tell you what, I’ll give you a lift back to your retirement place and you can tell me again all about that failed exorcism on Dick Cheney.”