Monthly Archives: January 2014
I don’t know how you got my email address or whether I just pissed off someone with a really nasty temper who then fraudulently subscribed me on some far-right-wing-nut web page so that I would forever have my in-box filled with solicitations for donations from “true patriots” who want to help “take back our country” and give “grassroots freedom-fighters the tools they need to fight Big Government and protect America’s liberty.”
I do have to ask – by “grass-roots” do you mean the billionaire Koch-financed effort to convert the government into a subsidiary of Koch Industries?
And did you know that when you say “FreedomWorks” aloud it sounds like “Fweedumwoks” ? Go ahead, try it. It really does. (Which, of course, means Elmer Fudd is actually a furry “true patriot” living on Endor. Think about that.)
Anyway, you emailed me a survey. It didn’t ask any sensible questions so I didn’t respond which is why you decided to send it to me again because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me!
Far be it from me to disappoint you.
You asked me to “rank these issues in order of importance (1-5).” Those issues were as follows:
- Stop libtard bureaucrats from ruining our schools and dumbing down America’s kids with things like science and reasoning skills.
- No gun control because the civil liberties protected in our Bill of Rights must be protected at all costs. If it’s the 2nd Amendment. The rest can be compromised to protect us from Kenyan Muslim Usurpers.
- Stop government spending we don’t need it look at Somalia no government so no government spending and they’re doing okay all they need are enough guns and thanks to the 2nd Amendment we got those.
- Defund ObamaCare: Congress must ensure not one more penny goes to funding that fearsome Godzilla of socialized medicine by spending millions of tax dollars on ineffective votes to repeal the Affordable Care Act.
- Defending the House: We the Tin-Foil Hat People must defend the House and prevent another round of Speaker Nancy Pelosi because she’s like a damn comet that keeps circling back and we much prefer Ted Nugent even if he runs in circles like a rabid three-legged dog biting his own tail.
I’m not being critical but for some reason these “issues” somehow – how do I say this with delicacy, hmmmm – seem completely insane and don’t reflect any issue of any importance to any rational human being.
Because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me, here they are:
1. Climate change. Won’t we all share a hearty laugh when it turns out to be real and we no longer have a place to live?
3. Emails from billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. On second thought, #2 will take care of that.
4. Billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. Oh, wait. Never mind.
5. Billionaires David and Charles Koch. Oh, wait.
#2 should be #1, shouldn’t it?
I’m sure you and your billionaire backers agree, right?
Thief takes off with Jeep warming up at East Towne Mall
Woman watched idling vehicle drive away
“Police said she had left the Jeep unlocked.”
Republican Senator Ron Johnson may be the stupidest member of Congress (a difficult goal to achieve but he may, indeed, be the stupidest one of all time despite what you’ve read about Ted Cruz, Michele Bachmann, Todd Akin, and others).
Why am I painfully aware of this? Because he’s from Wisconsin, the state with which I also (as you may have guessed) have some small acquaintance.
In fact, he’s so stupid he even has his own website: ourdumbsenator.com, which induces sufficient astonished face palms to cause whiplash.
His latest display of Tea Party genius: using federal tax dollars to sue the federal government to make his office staff pay more for their health insurance. Then giving them raises (funded with federal tax dollars) to pay for the higher cost of coverage if his lawsuit is successful.
Because it’s all about protecting the taxpayer.
This may explain why conservatives are so plentiful.
And so easy to trick. All you need is a bible, a flag, and caps lock.
Case in point: an anonymous non-entity (which doesn’t legally exist) calling itself “American Strong” that wraps itself in red-white-and-blue-support-the-troops-god-fearing-patriotism to sell stuff. Successfully.
“Company Overview FOR THE PROUD AMERICAN – SUPPORTING OUR NATION’S HEROES!”
“MOTTO: I will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free.”
“I will trust in my GOD and in the USA! We are the Land of the FREE and the home of the BRAVE…. We are AMERICAN STRONG!”
And the mindless masses just eat it up.
And don’t stop to question any of it. Really. Just wave the flag and right-wing conservatives salute in unison and agree with every small-minded, bigoted, red-neck comment that follows.*
And rush to buy shoddy merchandise made someplace else** (exactly where, they don’t say, but you can bet if it was in the good ole U-S of A they would say so – repeatedly – and in caps) because after all “American-Strong proudly support our nation’s HEROES & those fighting to preserve our HOME.” So all red-blooded true patriots just have to “Help to honor [those HEROES by shopping] at –www.AmericanStrong.com”.
Because when it’s in caps it MUST be true, right? And it’s sold by that great supporter of all things American named “American Strong” – and what could be more American than that?
But wait, there’s more.
American Strong claims it “PROUDLY DONATES SALES BACK TO OUR WOUNDED HEROES, MILITARY CHARITIES, FAMILIES OF OUR FALLEN, AND THOSE IN SUPPORT OF THIS NATION’S HEROES.”
ALL CAPS! SO ALL TRUE!
Except … it doesn’t tell you how much it donates – all sales, some sales, or none. Or exactly how “those in support of this nation’s heroes” get a share. Something I’d really like to know because I certainly “support our Nation’s heroes” so American Strong must owe me my share, right? But when I emailed them to ask, for some reason they never answered.
Or – and perhaps I’m being overly suspicious here – is it possible that American Strong keeps all the sales?
Because here’s the fun part … American Strong …wait for it … “is NOT a non-profit.”
You read that right.
But wait, there’s more.
According to American Strong, “American Strong is not a group, or one person. American Strong is the community, and the nation.”
Maybe that’s why it discloses no identifying information. And hides behind a private domain registration. Because listing all 314 million citizens of the nation would be difficult.
BUT … if you buy something, at checkout you get this message: “PayPal securely processes payments for DCFcreative,llc.”
AND … oddly enough, according to government records, “American Strong” is actually the brain child of DCF Creative, an LLC located in Cypress CA. DCF Creative was created by Dustin C. Fedak. Who lives at the same address.
SO … why is it that none of the charming 22,000+ geniuses who “like” https://www.facebook.com/AmericanStrong have thought about any of this?
The answer may lie here: Multiple Scientific Studies Confirm: Extreme Conservatism Linked To Racism And Low I.Q.
- “Once again Oprah decided to open her ugly disgusting mouth”;
- “Not going to see me lower my flag [for Nelson Mandela], but once he is 6 feet under ill gladly lower for those that gave all for OUR nation.”
- “I question Islam and atheists. The reason it’s frowned upon is because he who resides in our White House is black and a Muslim. It is our RIGHT to question when we think there is something wrong with something.”
- “Because ‘Happy Holidays’ is for Terrorists”
**Printed T-shirts are merely “printed” in AMERICA. Which of course includes 2 continents. And a whole lot of countries other than the USA.