Category Archives: women

And the Answer is:

Rupert Murdoch

The Question: We have children going hungry, income inequality at historic levels, global warming, catastrophic weather, Republicans across the nation rolling back women’s rights on everything from equal pay to sexual harassment to reproductive choice, yet instead of meaningful, in-depth coverage of these or other vital issues we get mind-numbingly inane animal updates. Why?

Actual headlines I just copied off CNN:

Northeast

South

Midwest

West

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How I know that I’m not the world’s worst Mom

My children tried to give me that honor many times.  But now I can prove that I’m not.

How? Because I’m not her: “Mom Web Searches Gunshot Wound, Delays Bringing Son to Hospital.”

Damn good letter

Sometimes I surprise myself by writing something which I think is actually decent. Other times I surprise myself by thinking that and actually being right. Other times I surprise myself by stumbling across an old letter in a stack of papers (those who criticize my filing system don’t understand it) and realizing I need to share it with the world. I may be wrong, but permit me the occasional delusion.

June 27, 2012

The Atlantic
600 New Hampshire Ave, N.W.
Washington, D.C. 20037

Dear Sir or Madame,

I had never heard of “Elizabeth Wurtzel” before. Something which – in light of her self-absorbed, self-importance – she would probably consider an impossibility.

Little did I know that anyone other than George Will could earn a living merely by being sufficiently insufferable.

Then I read 1% Wives Are Helping Kill Feminism and Make the War on Women Possible, which I at first mistook for an ill-advised, deeply flawed attempt at satire before realizing the author was, in fact, taking herself seriously as she made pronouncements on a subject about which she knows little and understands even less.

Here’s what she said (in fewer than fifty words): women only have value if they get paid. Being a mom is not a job. If women don’t have a job because they choose to be a stay-at-home mom, their husbands think all women are dumb. And THAT is the reason for the war on women.

And here are some of the gobsmackingly astounding things she wrote.

Who can possibly take feminism seriously when it allows everything, as long as women choose it? The whole point to begin with was that women were losing their minds pushing mops and strollers all day without a room or a salary of their own.

Wow. Just wow. I mean – the whole point of the feminist movement was allowing women the freedom of being able to choose because women were sick of having no choices, of being treated as inferior beings, denied equal opportunities and treated disparately because of their gender.

And no, it wasn’t that women “were losing their minds” – merely that being treated as property (or children) by a patriarchal society, limited to narrow roles in home, schools, and the workforce was intolerable in a society which pretended to offer liberty and justice for all.

Got pregnant? You’re fired. Got married? You’re fired. Won’t have sex with me? You’re fired. Want sports? Forget it. Want to be a lawyer, a pilot, a doctor, a dentist, a firefighter? Forget it. Want equal pay? Gee, you’re cute when you’re angry.

Let’s please be serious grown-ups: real feminists don’t depend on men. Real feminists earn a living, have money and means of their own.

Whoa! She doesn’t even realize that “real feminists” often are men. And that “real feminists” believe that opportunities and rights should not be denied or abridged on account of sex (which works for both genders – including Mr. Moms.)

This woman claims to be a lawyer – so she should be well acquainted with the established principle recognized by the courts that marriages are economic partnerships and each partner contributes value even if not a paycheck. And that, by law, it’s not “his” paycheck – it’s hers too.

All of which those same courts take into account when dividing assets in divorce proceedings. That male executive who worked his way up the corporate ladder to the multimillion dollar salary? He was able to do so because his worthless stay-at-home wife was his unpaid assistant, entertaining clients at dinner parties, organizing charitable fund-raising events, buying the gifts and sending the cards that resulted in profitable business deals, and taking care of their home so he could focus on business instead of the mundane details of life that drag people down – things like picking up the dry cleaning.

And it is those ladies – those stay-at-home wives in wealthy families (who, after all, don’t get a pay check) – who she uses to condemn all the fairer sex as failures unless they have a real job – you know, one with a real pay check. Without one you just aren’t equal. Because “there really is only one kind of equality … and it’s economic. If you can’t pay your own rent, you are not an adult. You are a dependent.”

[T]hese women are the reason their husbands think all women are dumb … As it happens, fewer than 5 percent of the CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies, 16 percent of corporate executives, and 17 percent of law partners are female. The men, the husbands of the 1 percent, are on trading floors or in office complexes with other men all day, and to the extent that they see anyone who isn’t male it’s pretty much just secretaries and assistants.

There you have it: the reason women earn less than men, the reason women hit a glass ceiling, the reason women are not 51% of CEO’s, corporate executives, law partners – or elected officials – is their own fault. It has nothing to do with discrimination, with centuries of being chattel, of having few to no rights, with living in a society where the power continues to remain vested primarily with white males.

It’s all “because feminism has misread its mission of equality” and “being a mother isn’t really work.”

In other words: being equal means you don’t have the right to choose.

Perhaps you feel controversy might help you sell magazines. At least let the controversy be based on well-informed and well-reasoned (if differing) opinions. Not pretentious, pompous poop like this.

Sincerely,
Wisconsinwit

Madison WI: Somewhere Deep Under the Capitol

Top Secret Strategy Meeting at Scott Walker HQ:

White Guy #1: Listen guys, I’ve called this meeting today because we have a crisis.

White Guy #2: So what else is new?

White Guy #1: Not funny, #2. Listen, last time we convinced the fools – with the help of Koch money – that “it’s working.” Wisconsin was “open for business” and we were “moving in the right direction.” Those “unions” were to blame for a massive deficit – that didn’t really exist – with their outrageous salaries and benefits. And then we told them how we saved “a billion dollars” by ending collective bargaining. But that crap only goes so far. Now we have another budget that screws the little guy while rewarding the wealthy. We have to sell them on it. But how?

White Guy #3: I think we’re in deep do-do here. I, mean, how stupid can they be?

White Guy #2: I think you’re overestimating their intelligence.

White Guy #1: No way – we were pushing the envelope last time.

White Guy #2: Wrong. Do you seriously think anyone who had even an ounce of intelligence would believe a word of what we say at this point? I mean, we kept telling people Walker was focused “like a laser” on jobs as we pushed through an extremist agenda that didn’t have anything to do with the subject! It was masterful! $2.3 billion in tax breaks to special interests. Repeal the equal pay law, repeal consumer protections, repeal tenant rights, roll back reproductive rights, roll back environmental protections, push through tort “reform” that protected businesses and victimized patients! At the same time, we plunged toward the bottom in job creation and economic outlook! Conservatives around the country were in awe! I mean – Scotty told one whopper after another and anytime he got fact-checked, all we had to do was blame it on the liberal media. Look at his record on politifact! I tell you these sheeple are so dumb we could blame poor people for global warming and the masses will not only believe it – they’ll be buying pitchforks and torches.

White Guy #3: No way. Scotty is restricting unemployment benefits, food stamps, health insurance for the needy – that has no fiscal impact on the budget.

White Guy #2: Way.

White Guy #1. Wait a minute … I think #3 might be on to something. Let’s see. The budget is designed to … hmmm —

White Guy #2: Entitlements!

White Guy #1: What?

White Guy #2: Call them entitlements.

White Guy #3: But that’s not accurate!

White Guy #2: Who cares about being accurate?

White Guy #1: Yes, yes, I’m beginning to understand – entitlements and … dependency!

White Guy #2: Now you got it! And use the word “reforms” – sheeple just eat that up.

White Guy #1: Balancing our budget through entitlement reforms! We’re not depriving the needy to give more to the greedy – we’re giving the poor a hand up, not a hand out! Moving them from dependency to independence.

White Guy #3: What? Are you guys nuts? This has nothing to do with the budget! And doesn’t save taxpayers any money! The real problem is Scotty’s corporate welfare! He’s throwing money at special interests and slashing funding for everything else!

White Guy #2 (to Guy #3): Do you like working here?

White Guy #1: It’s brilliant! Blame those non-existent slackers sucking up our tax dollars! We can use random meaningless words like “Freedom”, “Prosperity” and “Independence.” Or better yet: “More Prosperity,” “Better Performance,” and “True Independence.” And PowerPoint! We can dazzle the masses with PowerPoint! You know – lots of charts and bullet points, but no real information, the mindless masses just LOVE that crap. And we can pay for all of the propaganda with tax dollars!

White Guy #2: I beat you to it. Already have it prepared for release. We’ll start with USA Today. I call it “Government dependence not American Dream.”

How many of us grew up with the dream of someday being dependent on the government?

I certainly did not. The idea just seems foreign to the American Dream.

Sadly, there are some in our nation’s capital who measure success in government by how many are dependent on the government. The massive expansion of Medicaid, waivers of work programs for food stamps and the extension of unemployment benefits may all be well-intentioned, but is more government dependence really such a good thing?”

Guy #3: Wait a minute, none of that is true!

Guy #1: Shut up. Go on, #2.

There is dignity in working hard to provide for a future of your own choosing. In turn, it leads to more freedom and more prosperity for all.

Last Wednesday, I introduced a state budget focused on helping people transition from government dependency to true independence.

Our plans forgo the temptation of the temporary financial incentives from Washington to expand Medicaid. Instead, we crafted a plan reducing the number of uninsured in our state by 224,580.

For the rest, we transition them into the private and exchange markets, where the lowest premium starts at $19 per month.”

White Guy #3: That’s not true either!

White Guy #1: I’m not saying this again, #3. Shut up.

White Guy #2 (continuing): “Our budget plans provide employment training for able-bodied childless adults receiving food stamps.

Going forward, more than 75,000 people in our state will be enrolled in job training in order to obtain food stamps.

In addition, we are looking to double the weekly requirement for jobs searches for those on unemployment from two times a week to four or more.”

White Guy #3: But how are people working full-time going to be able to take job training? And how will people in job training be able to look for work at least four times a week? This makes no sense!

White Guy #2 (ignoring the interruption): “It is important to give temporary hand up to those in need, but for those who are able, we should not provide a permanent hand out. Our goal is simple: transition people from government dependence to true independence.

It’s why we celebrate the 4th of July and not April 15th. In our country, we celebrate true independence because more freedom and more prosperity are what drive the American Dream.”

White Guy #3: But it’s all just a load of bull!

White Guy #2: So what’s your point?

Real Women vs. Reel Women

In my next life, I want to be a Hollywood babe who gets pregnant, has the baby, and leaves the hospital not only 15 pounds lighter but with great hair and no cellulite.

That never happened to me (I left the hospital 15 pounds heavier with my hair looking like I’d slept behind a dumpster for a month). But it does happen to women like Megan Fox, who may not even be a real woman. (I suspect she’s from the Orion system and reproduces via pods.)

In case you are a real woman, so may not know who Megan is, she’s the actress [some people debate that] who appeared wearing very little clothing  in the first two mesmerizing monster truck films, “Really Big Machines That Came From A Galaxy Far, Far Away and Yet Speak American English with No Foreign Accent I & II.”

Anyway, recently she made a public appearance to show off her 9 week “Post-Baby Bod” (one of three Hollywood actress reproductive phases, including Pre-Baby Bod and Baby Bod).

“I only gained 23 pounds when I was pregnant and I’m still 10 pounds heavier, but I don’t want to kill myself trying to get back into shape because it’s not a priority right now.”

Wow. How nice. She gained a whopping 23 pounds. And two months later only has 10 left to lose. That’s how to tell the difference between human females and creatures from the Orion system: human females gain weight when they get pregnant. They have to: they’re pregnant.

If she’d been human her doctor would have told her, “Good lord, if you’re human you’re way too thin. I want you to gain 28 to 40 pounds!”

That’s because when humans get pregnant, they have to allow:
7.5 pounds for the baby
1.5 pounds for the placenta
4 pounds increased fluid volume
2 pounds increased weight of the uterus
2 pounds increased weight of breast tissue
4 pounds increased blood volume
7 pounds maternal stores of fat, protein and other nutrients
2 pounds amniotic fluid
Total: 30 pounds

When aliens reproduce, they have to allow:
7.5 pounds for the baby
15.5 pounds for the pod

Still doubt she’s an alien? She also said, “I felt like I was maybe birthing a vampire baby” and was actually surprised that after the baby arrived, “You never sleep and you’re awake all night.” She rented a night nurse.

Real human parents don’t get a night nurse. They tough it out, arguing for the first 12 months that it’s not their turn, they got up the last time the baby cried. They also stagger around in a daze bumping into walls and dozing off while talking on the phone or taking a shower.

Final conclusive evidence?

After reproducing, humans look like this: “haggard, exhausted and walking into walls, the [new mother] stumbled around in a maternity sweat suit that revealed large milk stains on the bodice.”

After reproducing, aliens look like this: “slim, relaxed and radiant with fresh-faced makeup, Fox beamed in a form-fitting, ivory-toned lace dress with peekaboo details that revealed black lingerie beneath.”

I rest my case.

Gobsmacked

is exactly how your face feels when you read this:

Woman who had 77-lb. cyst removed thought she’d just been ‘overeating’

And as you wonder how the “77-pound cyst developed undetected.” And want to know how it was possible for her doctor to not. Notice. Anything. Wrong.

Parolee confesses to 2 murders after stabbed body found in his bed.

Imagine that conversation.

Officer: What’s that in your bed.

Parolee: What bed?

Officer: That bed.

Parolee: Where?

Officer: The one I’m pointing at.

Parolee: Oh. That bed.

Officer: Yes. That one. What’s in it.

Parolee: I never saw that bed before in my life.

Officer: This is your apartment, right?

Parolee: Oh yes. But I have no idea where that bed came from or how it got in here.

Officer: So I have your permission to look in the bed?

Parolee: Well, let’s say, hypothetically, that it was my bed. If – and that’s if – it was, how much trouble would I be in?

Officer: That depends. What’s in the bed?

Parolee: It’s not my bed so I don’t really know, but let’s say a body is in the bed, then what?

But this isn’t the worst part.

Nope.

You see, the police had gone to the parolee’s apartment to question him about a 1993 unsolved stabbing death.

The news report said he wasn’t home. It didn’t say how the officers entered and found a woman. In the bed. Under the covers. Stabbed to death.

The parolee later confessed to yet two other stabbing deaths. (Oh, you found the body? Did you also find the ones I stabbed in 1993?)

The parolee was currently on parole after serving13 years for attempting to murder a young woman by (you’ll never guess) stabbing her.

And that was after spending 17 years in South Carolina prisons following a 1970’s stabbing spree that involved at least seven female victims.

I’m guessing this guy didn’t take rejection well.

But the real question is: what the hell was he doing on parole?

Pop Goes the Weasel

Yesterday I did the one thing every woman loves to do above all else: watch helplessly as two plates of glass try to squeeze her breast until it explodes. Not just once, but four times.

It’s called a mammogram. And – amazingly – not only is it legal, it’s medically recommended. And required way too often (every one to two years instead of never again).

Men do not understand why women might not enjoy the process. Even when I tell them to think of it as similar to putting the family jewels into a vise and tightening until the possessor of said jewels hits high C.

I was already not in a good mood because the day before was cancer day. I noticed a suspicious spot on my nose several months ago so did what any sensible person would do. I ignored it. I knew if it wasn’t cancer I’d be okay and if it was cancer I didn’t want to know.

But then I realized that if it was cancer and I kept waiting eventually they might have to remove my nose, leaving me looking like Michael Jackson.

I don’t want to look like Michael Jackson so I stopped waiting, only to learn that I had not just one but two “premalignant lesions” (doctor talk for “jesus that’s a precancerous suspicious spot”) which were frozen off and one “I really don’t like the look of that I’m slicing it off right now with this razor sharp instrument and sending it to be biopsied hold still this really won’t hurt that much.”

So now I have a divot on my leg which – and this is the important part – looks really gross but I have to look at it every day for two weeks when I clean the wound (why is that phrase designed to induce the gag reflex?) and make sure I place a dab of vaseline on it before applying the new bandage and don’t worry that oozing white spot in the center is part of the healing process not puss.

I hyperventilated on the way to the bathroom. “I have to look at something really gross, I have to look at something really gross.” I peeled off the bandage. It was really gross. I couldn’t pass out because I had to go to the hospital.

To get my breasts exploded.

I walked passed the front desk on my way to the radiology department which sent me back to the front desk. Which immediately tried to make me into the wrong person because, in their recent update, someone had deleted my records and made me into someone else. Which, as the hospital staff person made perfectly clear, was completely my fault. And here – put on this wrist band which will make you look silly.

She didn’t like it when I told her if it didn’t let me on any rides I wasn’t going to wear it.

She flung the wrist band at me and sent me back to radiology.

This is when I made a critical error. I went.

Which is why I stood next to the mammogram machine trying not to scream as the lab tech flattened my breasts four times. Two times each. And I let her.

But I had to wonder: what kind of person wakes up one morning and decides this is what they really want to do in life.

This is an NBC News Special Report

Bom-bom-bom-bom

Here is Brian Williams

Bom-bom-bom-bom

Good evening. This is Brian Williams with an NBC News Special Report. I’m reporting live from an undisclosed location. Here with me tonight are the last survivors of a group that has been hunted mercilessly for weeks, stalked, followed, bombarded with mail, phone calls, and strangers pounding on their doors. I am, of course, talking about the undecided voter.

Who are they, these people who have attracted so much unwanted attention, who have become the focus of an intense manhunt by hundreds of political pollsters and pundits, been followed into stores and accosted on the street?

We’re here to find out.

As you can see behind me, conditions here are harsh. Trapped in a dark, windowless safe house with no wi-fi or cable, these undecided voters have been forced to abandon the comfort of their homes and the companionship of their loved ones to live out their days until the election with only network television and MRE’s to sustain them.

I’d like to introduce you to Bob K. We won’t reveal his last name or home town because of the risk to his family; many of the Super PAC’s have already shown they respect no personal boundaries. Police are concerned that, given the chance, Fox News would relentless hound them with reports that undecided voters are responsible for the attack in Benghazi.

Bob, how are you holding up?

Well, Brian, it’s been tough. I haven’t showered since yesterday and the pressure on us to decide has been pretty intense.

What’s been happening?

Well, I’m on all the do-not-call lists but they call anyway. Day. Night. Morning. Evening. Nothing stops them. They’re heartless.

Who’s calling you?

Mostly robo-calls. Sometimes it’s a celebrity like Clint Eastwood. Only at first he couldn’t remember his name or why he was calling. I felt pretty bad for him but then realized maybe it was a ploy to get Romney a sympathy vote so I hung up.

Anyone else?

Oh yeah. A lot of anonymous people saying they’re a “National Polling Firm” but when I start asking questions like “what’s the company’s real name and who’s paying for this?” they hang up. I’m pretty sure it’s Republicans, because the Democrats are all really nice. Maybe too nice. They just want to help people out in times of trouble but sometimes you gotta be a tough son of a bitch so I just don’t know.

Thanks, Bob, and best of luck to you. Let’s get another viewpoint from Maddie. It is Maddie?

That’s right, Brian.

Maddie, why do you continue to be undecided, despite all the hardships you endure because of it?

Well, it’s complicated. I’m Presbyterian  and I was raised to believe that we all have to look out for each other and we need to be good stewards of the earth. So that should mean voting for the Democratic candidates. But then I keep seeing all these commercials by all these patriotic groups like Concerned Women of America and Americans for Prosperity and Americans for Tax Reform and they tell me that President Obama is a Kenyan socialist Muslim who is going to put my grandma on an ice floe, pass Sharia Law, and pay Mexicans to have babies in America which makes me wonder. I mean, they couldn’t say that unless it was true, right? I don’t want my Granny to die although with the polar ice cap melting I don’t know where the President would find an ice flow to put her on, I hear polar bears are drowning without them. And some people attack him because he’s black, but other people say he’s white. So I’m torn.

Thank you, Maddie, for sharing. As you’ve heard, ladies and gentlemen, these people are facing tough choices. But they show strength and courage, resisting efforts to coerce them to make up their minds.

[series of explosive sounds off camera]

Wait a minute, what was that noise? Can you get a camera on that? Ladies and gentlemen, this is breaking news. The security cameras show a mob has gathered at the entrance to the safe house. You can’t see the details, but it appears as if they are all carrying clipboards and flyers of some kind. What? I’m hearing that it appears they are Republican canvassers.

[Undecided voters in the background begin to scream. Several rush about in panic. Two men are locked in battle, stumbling past the camera as they struggle.]

They triangulated our location using your cell phone! I told you no fucking cell phone!

Screw you Reginald Ludwig Dunston of Barrington Illinois! I wanted pizza!

This is Brian Williams on location. Now back to the studio and our next segment, Yes, People Who Believe What They Hear On Fox Really Are That Stupid.

Leave the thinking to us

Hey, girl. You’ve got stuff on your mind. Important stuff. Stuff like hair and makeup. And shoes. And clothes. And what shoes go with what clothes. And whether leggings are so last year. Your head is so full of important stuff like that you have no room in it for unimportant stuff like elections and candidates.

The Republican Party understands. And we’re here to help.

We’re a bunch of conservative white guys who know that you don’t want to waste your time on “information” or fill your pretty little heads with bothersome “issues.” That’s why we here at the YGN (Young Guns Network) created the “YG Woman Up Network,”  so we can do your thinking for you. That way you’ll have time for the important things, like getting your hair and nails done, so you can look your best for your man – because your man knows what’s best for you.

And because we really like it when women are “up” (because, you know, the whole woman on top thing is really hot.) Which is why we say real men know how to woman up!

We even say so on our t-shirts:

That’s why a bunch of us white, male, Republicans who really aren’t “young” or “guns” (we just hope girls will want to bang us when we use hot stud nicknames) have started the “Young Guns,” which is funded in all its multi-faceted glory by deluded-never-gonna-be-even-in-their-wildest-dreams a “young gun,” hunka-hunka burning love billionaires like Sheldon Adelson

who all bear a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hut

(who also likes it when girls called him YG, Just ask Princess Leia).

We like to say “YG” because that sounds studly. And we must be oozing studliness, because the YG Network quickly begat the YG Action Fund Super Pac (which backs Richard  “rape pregnancy is a gift from God” Mourdock), our spin shop the YG Policy Center, and now the “YG Woman” network.

As men, we’re experts who know that anything a man does to you is a gift you should appreciate, whether it’s forced pregnancy or being told what to think.

And which is why we created helpful commercials. In fact, we have a whole youtube network of videos where we just make stuff up, because we know the little women won’t question what we tell them – because we’re men. And we support traditional values like marriage which is God ordained as between a man who goes to work and a woman who stays home, makes babies, and does what her husband tells her to do. And she does it. So help me God.

And God made man to know stuff. Lots of stuff. More stuff than your little head could ever know. Including that as a woman you’re not supposed to think, just listen to your man. And because your little head is so empty, you can be indecisive. What to do, what to do. You just don’t know, poor things.

So we’re here to help by pointing out that looks are important, especially keeping yours up (how else can you be a desirable “Woman on Top”?). And hey – if we have to let you vote, then you need a really good reason to remember who to vote for. And that’s the cute guy. When he’s Republican. That’s the important part. Because if you didn’t have us to think for you, what would you do? That’s right – you don’t know. See why you need us?

EMMA: Hey, Olivia. What’s it gonna be?

OLIVIA: Hi Emma. Hmmm. Latte, cappuccino? I can’t make up my mind.

EMMA: That’s how I felt about this election… until I took a good look at the candidates.

OLIVIA: And?

EMMA: I’m for Sean Duffy. He’s pretty cool, actually. He’s part of this new generation of leaders, the kind we need in Washington. He’s a good husband and father and he fights for small businesses, like mine. So I can keep the doors open and even hire more people.

OLIVIA: He’s the cute one, right?