Leave the thinking to us

Hey, girl. You’ve got stuff on your mind. Important stuff. Stuff like hair and makeup. And shoes. And clothes. And what shoes go with what clothes. And whether leggings are so last year. Your head is so full of important stuff like that you have no room in it for unimportant stuff like elections and candidates.

The Republican Party understands. And we’re here to help.

We’re a bunch of conservative white guys who know that you don’t want to waste your time on “information” or fill your pretty little heads with bothersome “issues.” That’s why we here at the YGN (Young Guns Network) created the “YG Woman Up Network,”  so we can do your thinking for you. That way you’ll have time for the important things, like getting your hair and nails done, so you can look your best for your man – because your man knows what’s best for you.

And because we really like it when women are “up” (because, you know, the whole woman on top thing is really hot.) Which is why we say real men know how to woman up!

We even say so on our t-shirts:

That’s why a bunch of us white, male, Republicans who really aren’t “young” or “guns” (we just hope girls will want to bang us when we use hot stud nicknames) have started the “Young Guns,” which is funded in all its multi-faceted glory by deluded-never-gonna-be-even-in-their-wildest-dreams a “young gun,” hunka-hunka burning love billionaires like Sheldon Adelson

who all bear a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hut

(who also likes it when girls called him YG, Just ask Princess Leia).

We like to say “YG” because that sounds studly. And we must be oozing studliness, because the YG Network quickly begat the YG Action Fund Super Pac (which backs Richard  “rape pregnancy is a gift from God” Mourdock), our spin shop the YG Policy Center, and now the “YG Woman” network.

As men, we’re experts who know that anything a man does to you is a gift you should appreciate, whether it’s forced pregnancy or being told what to think.

And which is why we created helpful commercials. In fact, we have a whole youtube network of videos where we just make stuff up, because we know the little women won’t question what we tell them – because we’re men. And we support traditional values like marriage which is God ordained as between a man who goes to work and a woman who stays home, makes babies, and does what her husband tells her to do. And she does it. So help me God.

And God made man to know stuff. Lots of stuff. More stuff than your little head could ever know. Including that as a woman you’re not supposed to think, just listen to your man. And because your little head is so empty, you can be indecisive. What to do, what to do. You just don’t know, poor things.

So we’re here to help by pointing out that looks are important, especially keeping yours up (how else can you be a desirable “Woman on Top”?). And hey – if we have to let you vote, then you need a really good reason to remember who to vote for. And that’s the cute guy. When he’s Republican. That’s the important part. Because if you didn’t have us to think for you, what would you do? That’s right – you don’t know. See why you need us?

EMMA: Hey, Olivia. What’s it gonna be?

OLIVIA: Hi Emma. Hmmm. Latte, cappuccino? I can’t make up my mind.

EMMA: That’s how I felt about this election… until I took a good look at the candidates.

OLIVIA: And?

EMMA: I’m for Sean Duffy. He’s pretty cool, actually. He’s part of this new generation of leaders, the kind we need in Washington. He’s a good husband and father and he fights for small businesses, like mine. So I can keep the doors open and even hire more people.

OLIVIA: He’s the cute one, right?

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Posted on November 1, 2012, in Commentary, conservatives, feminism, Humor, men, Politics, Republicans, Tea Party, women. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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