Real Women vs. Reel Women

In my next life, I want to be a Hollywood babe who gets pregnant, has the baby, and leaves the hospital not only 15 pounds lighter but with great hair and no cellulite.

That never happened to me (I left the hospital 15 pounds heavier with my hair looking like I’d slept behind a dumpster for a month). But it does happen to women like Megan Fox, who may not even be a real woman. (I suspect she’s from the Orion system and reproduces via pods.)

In case you are a real woman, so may not know who Megan is, she’s the actress [some people debate that] who appeared wearing very little clothing  in the first two mesmerizing monster truck films, “Really Big Machines That Came From A Galaxy Far, Far Away and Yet Speak American English with No Foreign Accent I & II.”

Anyway, recently she made a public appearance to show off her 9 week “Post-Baby Bod” (one of three Hollywood actress reproductive phases, including Pre-Baby Bod and Baby Bod).

“I only gained 23 pounds when I was pregnant and I’m still 10 pounds heavier, but I don’t want to kill myself trying to get back into shape because it’s not a priority right now.”

Wow. How nice. She gained a whopping 23 pounds. And two months later only has 10 left to lose. That’s how to tell the difference between human females and creatures from the Orion system: human females gain weight when they get pregnant. They have to: they’re pregnant.

If she’d been human her doctor would have told her, “Good lord, if you’re human you’re way too thin. I want you to gain 28 to 40 pounds!”

That’s because when humans get pregnant, they have to allow:
7.5 pounds for the baby
1.5 pounds for the placenta
4 pounds increased fluid volume
2 pounds increased weight of the uterus
2 pounds increased weight of breast tissue
4 pounds increased blood volume
7 pounds maternal stores of fat, protein and other nutrients
2 pounds amniotic fluid
Total: 30 pounds

When aliens reproduce, they have to allow:
7.5 pounds for the baby
15.5 pounds for the pod

Still doubt she’s an alien? She also said, “I felt like I was maybe birthing a vampire baby” and was actually surprised that after the baby arrived, “You never sleep and you’re awake all night.” She rented a night nurse.

Real human parents don’t get a night nurse. They tough it out, arguing for the first 12 months that it’s not their turn, they got up the last time the baby cried. They also stagger around in a daze bumping into walls and dozing off while talking on the phone or taking a shower.

Final conclusive evidence?

After reproducing, humans look like this: “haggard, exhausted and walking into walls, the [new mother] stumbled around in a maternity sweat suit that revealed large milk stains on the bodice.”

After reproducing, aliens look like this: “slim, relaxed and radiant with fresh-faced makeup, Fox beamed in a form-fitting, ivory-toned lace dress with peekaboo details that revealed black lingerie beneath.”

I rest my case.

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Posted on January 6, 2013, in Commentary, Humor, Other, Parenting, women. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Thanks for being a real woman. May you be well and feel happy and safe in your heart, however your hair looks.

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