Category Archives: robocalls
Here is Brian Williams
Good evening. This is Brian Williams with an NBC News Special Report. I’m reporting live from an undisclosed location. Here with me tonight are the last survivors of a group that has been hunted mercilessly for weeks, stalked, followed, bombarded with mail, phone calls, and strangers pounding on their doors. I am, of course, talking about the undecided voter.
Who are they, these people who have attracted so much unwanted attention, who have become the focus of an intense manhunt by hundreds of political pollsters and pundits, been followed into stores and accosted on the street?
We’re here to find out.
As you can see behind me, conditions here are harsh. Trapped in a dark, windowless safe house with no wi-fi or cable, these undecided voters have been forced to abandon the comfort of their homes and the companionship of their loved ones to live out their days until the election with only network television and MRE’s to sustain them.
I’d like to introduce you to Bob K. We won’t reveal his last name or home town because of the risk to his family; many of the Super PAC’s have already shown they respect no personal boundaries. Police are concerned that, given the chance, Fox News would relentless hound them with reports that undecided voters are responsible for the attack in Benghazi.
Bob, how are you holding up?
Well, Brian, it’s been tough. I haven’t showered since yesterday and the pressure on us to decide has been pretty intense.
What’s been happening?
Well, I’m on all the do-not-call lists but they call anyway. Day. Night. Morning. Evening. Nothing stops them. They’re heartless.
Who’s calling you?
Mostly robo-calls. Sometimes it’s a celebrity like Clint Eastwood. Only at first he couldn’t remember his name or why he was calling. I felt pretty bad for him but then realized maybe it was a ploy to get Romney a sympathy vote so I hung up.
Oh yeah. A lot of anonymous people saying they’re a “National Polling Firm” but when I start asking questions like “what’s the company’s real name and who’s paying for this?” they hang up. I’m pretty sure it’s Republicans, because the Democrats are all really nice. Maybe too nice. They just want to help people out in times of trouble but sometimes you gotta be a tough son of a bitch so I just don’t know.
Thanks, Bob, and best of luck to you. Let’s get another viewpoint from Maddie. It is Maddie?
That’s right, Brian.
Maddie, why do you continue to be undecided, despite all the hardships you endure because of it?
Well, it’s complicated. I’m Presbyterian and I was raised to believe that we all have to look out for each other and we need to be good stewards of the earth. So that should mean voting for the Democratic candidates. But then I keep seeing all these commercials by all these patriotic groups like Concerned Women of America and Americans for Prosperity and Americans for Tax Reform and they tell me that President Obama is a Kenyan socialist Muslim who is going to put my grandma on an ice floe, pass Sharia Law, and pay Mexicans to have babies in America which makes me wonder. I mean, they couldn’t say that unless it was true, right? I don’t want my Granny to die although with the polar ice cap melting I don’t know where the President would find an ice flow to put her on, I hear polar bears are drowning without them. And some people attack him because he’s black, but other people say he’s white. So I’m torn.
Thank you, Maddie, for sharing. As you’ve heard, ladies and gentlemen, these people are facing tough choices. But they show strength and courage, resisting efforts to coerce them to make up their minds.
[series of explosive sounds off camera]
Wait a minute, what was that noise? Can you get a camera on that? Ladies and gentlemen, this is breaking news. The security cameras show a mob has gathered at the entrance to the safe house. You can’t see the details, but it appears as if they are all carrying clipboards and flyers of some kind. What? I’m hearing that it appears they are Republican canvassers.
[Undecided voters in the background begin to scream. Several rush about in panic. Two men are locked in battle, stumbling past the camera as they struggle.]
They triangulated our location using your cell phone! I told you no fucking cell phone!
Screw you Reginald Ludwig Dunston of Barrington Illinois! I wanted pizza!
This is Brian Williams on location. Now back to the studio and our next segment, Yes, People Who Believe What They Hear On Fox Really Are That Stupid.
My phone rang today. I made the mistake of picking it up. Or maybe it wasn’t a mistake because if I don’t, when the answering machine kicks in the caller talks and talks and talks for the next 15 minutes until all the available recording space is full.
That’s right: it’s a robocall. You know, one of those computer-generated recorded calls which you can’t shut up because it’s either a real human being playing a cruel practical joke or a computer programmed by a real human being who likes to play cruel practical jokes.
They fall into two categories: politics (including polls and surveys) and “card member services.”
Only one company is responsible for the latter. No one is sure exactly which one (not even the Department of Homeland Security has been able to figure it out) because the calls never come from a real phone number and the recording never gives the business name, just “Rachel” or “Amanda” from “card member services” with an important message about your card so press one now to learn how to qualify for lower rates or press nine to be placed on our do not call list which we won’t do but everyone at this end will get a good chuckle over it.
The political category includes:
1. The actual candidate (This is [insert name here] calling to ask for your vote blah, blah, blah, blah);
2. Famous supporters of the actual candidate (This is Ted Nugent. I’m calling to tell you to vote for [insert name here] and against his demon spawn, hybrid-driving opponent who wants to take away your guns, tanks, and surface to air missiles leaving you helpless against deer attacks);
3. PAC’s started by billionaire supporters of the actual candidate (If you can send $50,000, $10,000, or even $5,000, it will help throw that Socialist Marxist Communist Kenyan out of the White House and prevent the world from being destroyed by an asteroid on December 12, 2012);
4. Surveys paid for by PAC’s started by billionaire supporters of the actual candidate asking completely unbiased questions such as a) would you vote for Obama knowing that he is a Socialist Marxist Communist Kenyan, or b) would you vote for [insert Democrat’s name here] if you knew he dresses up as a Dallas Cowboys’ cheerleader for every game? Even if you’re a Packers’ fan?
But all of those things completely overlook the main point. Which is this: what lame-brain village idiot ever thought that robocalls might be a good idea? Seriously – as if a random, anonymous, computer-generated recorded call ever influenced anyone with an IQ over 80 or persuaded them to do anything other than yank the phone from the wall before using a hammer to pulverize it into 10,000 random, micronized, fine particles?
Even if I like a candidate – I don’t want him (or her) to call me.
Worse: I can’t turn them off. I’ve hung up, only to pick up the phone several minutes later and still hear millionaire Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI) explaining why global warming is a hoax and tax cuts for millionaires are good things.
And I can’t call anyone to complain because the phone number is “private” and the mandatory disclosure at the end of the message sounds like this: “paidforbycmpnfrzydxwgkl555hukpqds.”
So I have an idea. I’m starting my own. “This is Karl Rove calling to let you know that I invented this system. I’m asking for your support in the fight against big government attempts to make it stop. Call me at 202-706-7051 or make a donation in any amount to help keep my robocalls coming. Paidforbycmpnfrzydxwgkl555hukpqds.”