Monthly Archives: March 2013

More Karma

Electrocuted copper thief found dangling from transformer

Edward Bulwer Who?

Someone, somewhere, gets paid to write stuff like this:

I’ve read this publish and if I may just I wish to counsel you some fascinating things or advice.

They have to be paid – who else besides Lewis Carroll would spend their time making up jabberwocky? Unless, perhaps, maybe their entire family was kidnapped, bound with duct tape and is now being forced to watch endless repeats of The Wiggles. Think I’m kidding? Try watching. Within 15 minutes you’ll be reduced to a whimpering puddle of protoplasm. Now imagine your granny being forced to watch. You’d write anything they asked.

I only say this because I actually read spam. Or rather, purported spam.  Because not everything sent to your spam box really is spam. I learned a long time ago that spam filters were designed by someone who felt wronged by a cruel world which had failed to recognize his evil genius, condemning him to a lifetime of spam writing instead of fulfilling his destiny as the galactic emperor.

So he vented his anger by creating an algorithm that randomly routes emails to the spam box even when the email is from your boss who has sent you an email thousands of times before but the one time he emails you an offer for that dream job in Paris and needs your answer within an hour that email will not go to your inbox. Instead, ten days later you will find it in your spam box – assuming you’re smart enough to check it every ten days.

But that’s just email spam. WordPress blog spam is not the mundane, incoherent “drug-rolex-webcam-Nigerian bank deposit” type of spam. At first I thought if  might be poetry,  but then I realized that this spam aspires to greater heights:

The International Whistlers Convention is held on the campus of Louisburg College. If you have purchased a used option, you’ll most likely want to call in tractor services so that you can get help fixing any issues that might be lingering within the machine. He frequented the nearby Audubon Society sanctuary in Sharon, where he took great interest in all the birds.

The Squishee Tantric Massage is 16″ x retreats with a diverse mountain range of services and therapies. Keep in nous that dedicated points in pelvic storey muscles and the carmine areas are the referred pain due to the initiation points. after you volition take a whisk and combined the ingredients knowingness you can increase the character of your intimate life. The team physio for Call you back.

You can find membership sites that provide instruction is particular things like how to play the guitar. The lessons are obtainable only to members of the site, although those who will not be members can view what subjects think you are taught in the lessons.

In other words, these are algorithm-misdirected entries in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, named after Edward George Bulwer-Lytton,  who wrote this: It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

The contest “challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.” Sentences like these:

The holiday happens to coincide with the end-of-the-season for many of the
Island’s young summer employees and brings on a last chance for partying hearty on Mackinac Island; some people even remodel their garages at the same time they build a pool.

As an ornithologist, George was fascinated by the fact that urine and feces mix in birds’ rectums to form a unified, homogeneous slurry that is expelled through defecation, although eying Greta’s face, and sensing the reaction of the congregation, he immediately realized he should have used a different analogy to describe their relationship in his wedding vows.*

In Southwestern Germany just east of the Luxemburg border and north of France where history pitted various related Hapsburg Royals against each other and the Archbishops of Trier, the Abbots of St. Maximin, various members of the nobility, and mobs of axe-bearing villagers, there stands a ruin whose building stones mostly were carted off to build other buildings.*

*Actual contest winners.

I rest my case.

What’s Wrong with America

Today’s News:

Julianne Hough Hits The Beach For Friend ‘Therapy’ After Split From Ryan Seacrest

Duchess: Hoping for baby boy, William wants girl

Honey Boo Boo’s Mom Gets Makeover

Blake Shelton, Miranda Lambert Laugh Off Cheating Rumors

Lindsay Lohan Arrives 48 Minutes Late for Start of Trial

Kim Kardashian Has Gross “Smell Off” With Kourtney and Khloe

Nightmare Inducing Headlines

You wake up screaming.

Was it bats?

No.

Was it spiders?

No.

It’s something worse. Far worse.

Bat-eating spiders.

And there is no escape:

They’re everywhere
.

And if that’s not bad enough, consider this:

what if they start to travel in packs?

Think about it. If one spider can bring down and eat a bat 5 times its size, what do you think hundreds of them, working together, could do?

Start screaming.

Help Wanted (Confidential)

Faith-based organization desires spiritual leader 24/7/365 with experience in channeling God’s word.

Location: Mediterranean penninsula

Compensation: Life-time appointment with unlimited supply of holy water. Performance bonus based on number of converts. Two palaces complete with palace guards; personal chef; in-house physician; all the lasagna you can eat. Relocation assistance available.

Responsibilities:

Tend a flock of 1.2 billion souls (tarnish-free staff provided).

Qualifications:

Male, preferably Caucasian; Roman Catholic (or willing to become one). Fluency in Latin preferred. Ability to look good in hats and colorful robes a plus.

Infallibility in matters of doctrine essential; in weather forecasting helpful.

Apply via private email in strictest confidence to redbeaniegroup@vatican.va.

Please visit our website to learn about other exciting career opportunities: http://www.vatican.va-va-voom.net.

Note: not an equal opportunity employer.

And On the Seventh Day He Made Them Mad

How do I know this? My life is living proof. Every Sunday the stars align and my world becomes the critical mass necessary to spark a nuclear holocaust.

It starts with something simple, like stepping out of the shower, the first step in preparing for an audition, getting ready to blow dry and style my hair so I don’t look like The Bride of Frankenstein.

Of course, at that precise second, the power goes off. Then on. Then off. And stays off. Which means not only can I really not do anything about the hair, it also means putting on makeup in the dark. AND not being able to print out the word document I had carefully prepared with all the audition information on it including contact name, telephone number, and exact location, and which is now hidden behind a darkened screen because I could always print it after my shower, after all, what could go wrong?

And then it’s getting on the interstate to drive to the audition and getting stuck behind that idiot in the left lane because the idiot ALWAYS drives in the left lane because that is where he was taught to drive, operating his vehicle at all times at or below the speed limit. For this idiot the right lane does not exist; it is invisible or at best merely a wide shoulder where, god help all of us, he will park to change a tire should it become necessary at which time he will cause even greater havoc which will, of course, happen on a Sunday but thankfully it is not this Sunday and eventually I am able to pass him on the right and reach the audition after which I decide to eat lunch at the Whole Foods down the street even thought it’s Sunday.

Yes, that Whole Foods, the perfect place for pretentious people who want to overpay for groceries while acting self-righteous because they are shopping at Whole Foods. Anyway, because of those high prices, the store can afford to give away food, so whenever I’m in the neighborhood I stop by. This time I start in the produce section with some tangy grapefruit and mandarin orange sections, then stroll toward the deli, pausing to eat some freshly made guacamole and assorted salsas on multigrain tortilla chips. After that I savor several varieties of cheese, some sausage, and roasted red pepper hummus on pita chips, topping it off with a lovely cabernet and finally some hot spiced chai.

Sometimes I even buy stuff, if the store will let me. But they don’t make it easy. I picked up an ad flyer from a full display rack of identical ad flyers, happy to note several items at excellent sales prices. As I wander aimlessly for twenty minutes, unable to locate them, a helpful clerk offers to lead me to them. Which is when I discover the flyer expired two weeks ago which explains why I couldn’t find them and the clerk decides she doesn’t like my scowl at which point she says having weeks old outdated sales flyers still in racks to mislead and disappoint customers just happens and I agree because it is, after all, Sunday.

So I depart and head for the nearby Trader Joe’s (the Jimmy Buffett alternative to Whole Foods – seriously – he works register 3). Which I know will be a mistake (it’s Sunday) but I really need to get a multi-grain baguette and crushed garlic so decide to chance it. Only this Trader Joe’s has a basement parking garage designed for those miniature sub-sub compact smart cars while I drive a car large enough for full-size human beings and as soon as I pull in I learn the garage is full because a line of cars is stopped in front of me and I can’t back out because a car is now stopped behind me but after waiting 10 minutes a parked car directly in front of me backs out and just as I am about to pull into the vacant spot a van zips past from the opposite direction and pulls. Into. My. Spot.

So I do what I should have done in the first place: find street parking a block away. And as I step out of my car it begins to rain.

Eventually I’m back on the highway headed home only to once again be trapped behind the left lane drivers who have never grasped the reasons for having multiple lanes of traffic and minimum speeds, or the true meaning of “passing lane only” or “slower traffic keep right” signs. Which means I am the caboose in a train going 45 mph – in the left lane of a 65 mph interstate.

Thankfully, I have six days to rest.

Match Made In Heaven

I hate to clean. It’s a boring waste of time because you just have to do it all over again six months later. My idea of heaven is someone cleaning my house for me. I mean – it couldn’t get any better than that, right?

Wrong.

It could get better: someone who would clean my house. And. Pay. Me. To. Do. It.

I’m not kidding.

Seriously. This guy on craigslist just posted an ad offering $300 per hour if you let him clean your house. That’s it. Just let him clean your house.

All right, so yeah, you might have to yell at him while he’s doing it, because he’s looking for “stern treatment” but who cares? He’s paying you! Even better – point out all the dust he missed and tell him to do it again. Because – and I’m not kidding around – that is exactly what he wants:

someone to be a dominant force in my life, and have me compensate them monetarily … Activities could include public humiliation, me doing chores for you (cleaning your place, washing your car, running errands for you, etc.) or any number of other things. I know that this might sound odd but I will work with anyone interested in any way possible to insure that you are comfortable with the process.”

Publicly humiliate someone? Make them do chores? Treat them as a slave? My children told me I did that for years!

I sure hope no one else has answered this ad:

Looking for stern treatment

I am looking for a woman, group of women, or couple to provide me with ‘stern treatment.’ I know that this may sound odd but by stern treatment I mean that I am looking for someone to be a dominant force in my life, and have me compensate them monetarily … Activities could include public humiliation, me doing chores for you (cleaning your place, washing your car, running errands for you, etc.) or any number of other things. I know that this might sound odd but I will work with anyone interested in any way possible to insure that you are comfortable with the process.”
Compensation: Up to 300 per hour

Madison WI: Somewhere Deep Under the Capitol

Top Secret Strategy Meeting at Scott Walker HQ:

White Guy #1: Listen guys, I’ve called this meeting today because we have a crisis.

White Guy #2: So what else is new?

White Guy #1: Not funny, #2. Listen, last time we convinced the fools – with the help of Koch money – that “it’s working.” Wisconsin was “open for business” and we were “moving in the right direction.” Those “unions” were to blame for a massive deficit – that didn’t really exist – with their outrageous salaries and benefits. And then we told them how we saved “a billion dollars” by ending collective bargaining. But that crap only goes so far. Now we have another budget that screws the little guy while rewarding the wealthy. We have to sell them on it. But how?

White Guy #3: I think we’re in deep do-do here. I, mean, how stupid can they be?

White Guy #2: I think you’re overestimating their intelligence.

White Guy #1: No way – we were pushing the envelope last time.

White Guy #2: Wrong. Do you seriously think anyone who had even an ounce of intelligence would believe a word of what we say at this point? I mean, we kept telling people Walker was focused “like a laser” on jobs as we pushed through an extremist agenda that didn’t have anything to do with the subject! It was masterful! $2.3 billion in tax breaks to special interests. Repeal the equal pay law, repeal consumer protections, repeal tenant rights, roll back reproductive rights, roll back environmental protections, push through tort “reform” that protected businesses and victimized patients! At the same time, we plunged toward the bottom in job creation and economic outlook! Conservatives around the country were in awe! I mean – Scotty told one whopper after another and anytime he got fact-checked, all we had to do was blame it on the liberal media. Look at his record on politifact! I tell you these sheeple are so dumb we could blame poor people for global warming and the masses will not only believe it – they’ll be buying pitchforks and torches.

White Guy #3: No way. Scotty is restricting unemployment benefits, food stamps, health insurance for the needy – that has no fiscal impact on the budget.

White Guy #2: Way.

White Guy #1. Wait a minute … I think #3 might be on to something. Let’s see. The budget is designed to … hmmm —

White Guy #2: Entitlements!

White Guy #1: What?

White Guy #2: Call them entitlements.

White Guy #3: But that’s not accurate!

White Guy #2: Who cares about being accurate?

White Guy #1: Yes, yes, I’m beginning to understand – entitlements and … dependency!

White Guy #2: Now you got it! And use the word “reforms” – sheeple just eat that up.

White Guy #1: Balancing our budget through entitlement reforms! We’re not depriving the needy to give more to the greedy – we’re giving the poor a hand up, not a hand out! Moving them from dependency to independence.

White Guy #3: What? Are you guys nuts? This has nothing to do with the budget! And doesn’t save taxpayers any money! The real problem is Scotty’s corporate welfare! He’s throwing money at special interests and slashing funding for everything else!

White Guy #2 (to Guy #3): Do you like working here?

White Guy #1: It’s brilliant! Blame those non-existent slackers sucking up our tax dollars! We can use random meaningless words like “Freedom”, “Prosperity” and “Independence.” Or better yet: “More Prosperity,” “Better Performance,” and “True Independence.” And PowerPoint! We can dazzle the masses with PowerPoint! You know – lots of charts and bullet points, but no real information, the mindless masses just LOVE that crap. And we can pay for all of the propaganda with tax dollars!

White Guy #2: I beat you to it. Already have it prepared for release. We’ll start with USA Today. I call it “Government dependence not American Dream.”

How many of us grew up with the dream of someday being dependent on the government?

I certainly did not. The idea just seems foreign to the American Dream.

Sadly, there are some in our nation’s capital who measure success in government by how many are dependent on the government. The massive expansion of Medicaid, waivers of work programs for food stamps and the extension of unemployment benefits may all be well-intentioned, but is more government dependence really such a good thing?”

Guy #3: Wait a minute, none of that is true!

Guy #1: Shut up. Go on, #2.

There is dignity in working hard to provide for a future of your own choosing. In turn, it leads to more freedom and more prosperity for all.

Last Wednesday, I introduced a state budget focused on helping people transition from government dependency to true independence.

Our plans forgo the temptation of the temporary financial incentives from Washington to expand Medicaid. Instead, we crafted a plan reducing the number of uninsured in our state by 224,580.

For the rest, we transition them into the private and exchange markets, where the lowest premium starts at $19 per month.”

White Guy #3: That’s not true either!

White Guy #1: I’m not saying this again, #3. Shut up.

White Guy #2 (continuing): “Our budget plans provide employment training for able-bodied childless adults receiving food stamps.

Going forward, more than 75,000 people in our state will be enrolled in job training in order to obtain food stamps.

In addition, we are looking to double the weekly requirement for jobs searches for those on unemployment from two times a week to four or more.”

White Guy #3: But how are people working full-time going to be able to take job training? And how will people in job training be able to look for work at least four times a week? This makes no sense!

White Guy #2 (ignoring the interruption): “It is important to give temporary hand up to those in need, but for those who are able, we should not provide a permanent hand out. Our goal is simple: transition people from government dependence to true independence.

It’s why we celebrate the 4th of July and not April 15th. In our country, we celebrate true independence because more freedom and more prosperity are what drive the American Dream.”

White Guy #3: But it’s all just a load of bull!

White Guy #2: So what’s your point?