Monthly Archives: October 2012

What part don’t you understand?

This is Mitt’s energy policy:

This is the planet on Mitt’s energy policy:

Any questions?

And the winner is …

Excuse me?

I don’t think he heard me.

EXCUSE ME???????

I’m trying to get the attention of Jason Amazingpsychic Betts, the lunkhead, sexist, boy genius, psychic to blame for creating the “World Genius Directorya fluid list of the world’s top minds compiled from certified IQ tests sent in by listees [i.e. the brainiacs claiming to be brainiacs]. Betts says his site is the definitive ranking.”

And he should know – he’s psychic!

But I don’t question that. Nope. I think anybody should be able to claim to be a genius. Even though it would be easy for psychics because whenever they take an IQ test, they already know the answers. (Which may explain why Jason is on his list.)

Here’s the part I do question. Check out the top 16 smartest people in the world. What do they all have in common (other than spending way too much time taking IQ tests)? I’ll give you a clue: they are all the same sex as the male who created the list.

Seriously? I mean, seriously?????

Six billion people on this planet – more than half of them non-male – and none of them make the top 16?

Please. The numbers should be reversed, if only because this definitively proves women are smarter than men: we don’t spend all our spare time taking IQ tests.

And there are lots to take. And lots of high IQ places to join. Check out some of the fun interests and hobbies of the smartest people in the world:

#2 “sometimes stays up 20 hours a day to finish IQ tests in a bid to knock [#1] out of the top spot.”

#4 admits that “IQ tests have become a fun hobby for him over the last five years and he even created verbal and numerical IQ tests of his own.”

#7 “is a member of at least five high IQ societies.”

#15 is “a member of at least 20 high IQ societies and founded his own.”

#16 “specializes in high end IQ tests, competitions and statistics.”

If that’s what being smart means – I don’t ever want to be that intelligent. Not only is this incredibly boring stuff (IQ tests are a fun hobby???), but who has the time? Either these guys don’t have a life (highly probable) or they still live with their parents (also highly probably) so they have someone else doing all their cooking and cleaning for them, allowing them to spend all night on their computer (“Ivan, dinner time!” “Not now, Mom, I’m solving the derivative of the cosine of the square root of pi and its relation to orbital escape velocity!”)

Women aren’t like that. First, we don’t have the same “mine is bigger than yours” need to compete. Second, we know that this is really boring stuff. Plus we don’t need to prove how smart we are. We already know it. How do we know? The answer is two little words: nail guns.

Based on nail guns, no way could anyone ever think that men are smarter than women, because we aren’t the ones who shoot ourselves with nail guns. And then not even know it.

For example, the man in Colorado who shot himself in the head and didn’t notice. A week later, his dentist took some dental x-rays and discovered the cause of the man’s “toothache.” He was rushed to a local hospital where doctors performed a six-hour operation to remove the 4-inch-long nail stuck in his skull.

One of the surgeons commented that he’s seen this type of accident several times and the victims seem to be exclusively male. Which may explain what happened to the man in Kansas who was helping a friend with a home-improvement project.

They were, of course, using a nail gun instead of a hammer, which accidentally fired while they were installing lattice onto a backyard deck.

As the men looked around for the nail, the friend found it securely holding the victim’s hat to his head. At the hospital, the emergency room doctor removed the nail with a specialized medical device called a claw hammer.

So women have already passed the only IQ test that matters. (Just ask Gail Glaenzer.)

Do not go home again but

if you do: drive.

I decided, finally, to go to my high school reunion.  It was everything I thought it would be (almost no one remembered me, almost no one spoke to me, and the food was terrible but, because the Queen B – ahem – “Bee” had mistakenly assumed I was a vegetarian, I was able to order a special plate and thus was the only person in the place that got something edible for my $95).

On balance, though, it was a good thing that I went if for no other reason than the satisfaction of seeing how many deserving people had gotten fat, bald – and (unlike me) old. Plus it gave me plenty of material for a book because it turns out that the Queen B had been telling tall tales about me and saying rather nasty things about me to others and there were the escapees from Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum who had way too much work done,  the people who got drunk and the snooty Mean Girl cheerleader who now looks like somebody’s dumpy granny … but you’ll have to read the book for the rest. What was also very interesting was what has happened to air travel.

If you haven’t flown in awhile you may not know about the TSA (aka Terminally Stupid Administration) which, when not stealing your stuff, keeps us all safe by keeping ticketed passengers from ever getting onto an airplane. Airlines love that because, if no one ever gets on the plane, their flights never have to actually depart, greatly reducing operating expenses.

This involves a multi-step process.

Step one: publicly humiliate passengers by forcing them to show their driver’s license photo to a bored TSA agent who then shows it to twenty of his co-workers, all of whom collapse in gales of laughter.

Step two: force all passengers to partially disrobe and submit to an “I’ll still respect you in the morning” full body scan after which twenty bored TSA agents watch the scanned image before collapsing in gales of laughter.

Steps three and four (optional): randomly pat down humiliated women traveling to high school reunions before randomly searching their carry-on luggage for undeclared facial creams and lotions which a woman in her undeclared age group desperately needs if she doesn’t want to look like the old people at her reunion.

And that is the problem. Because the TSA website specifically limits quantities of “liquids, gels, and aerosols” but says nothing – NOTHING (I know – I checked) – about creams. Or lotions. Which are creams and lotions. Not liquids.

So if they REALLY want to require them to be packed in a “3.4 ounce (100ml) container size” placed into one (1) “quart-sized, clear, plastic, zip-top bag; 1 bag per passenger” then they should clearly say “liquids, creams, lotions, gels, and aerosols” and not publicly humiliate women traveling to high school reunions because any person on the street will tell you a cream or a lotion is not – repeat NOT – a liquid. Beer is a liquid. Water is a liquid. But age fighting facial products which stay in a jar even when turned upside down? And which would never, ever be considered a liquid by anyone who works anyplace which is not the TSA?

I mean seriously: is Heinz ketchup a “liquid”????

I rest my case.

But I know what their motivation is: they get a percentage from the airlines for forcing passengers to check their bags. How do I know this? Because the TSA says so: “If in doubt, put your liquids in checked luggage.”

The airlines love checked luggage because they can only get so much extra income from things like “DIRECTV In Flight.” Yes – you read that right. Paid TV. And it’s so easy! Just insert a dollar a minute to watch all the latest films!!

Remember the olden days when airlines served food and showed movies to reduce panic in passengers confined in narrow metal tubes for hours while strapped awkwardly close to random strangers with dubious personal hygiene? Thankfully, they stopped meal service years ago (the caterer now prepares food for reunions) but didn’t think to subcontract the televisions until the government established a satellite system adequate for them to make millions.

That was when some random airline executive looked out his window and thought: “Hmmm. We charge for food. We charge for drinks. We charge for luggage. How else can we screw a captive audience? I know! Pay toilets!”

Meanwhile, a different airline executive said: “Wait a minute! Not everyone has to pee, but everyone gets bored! We can charge for movies and entertainment! It will be a gold mine!”

Which I didn’t know before I left, but I had a window seat so had something to watch for free.

At least for now.

Yes Virginia

people really are this stupid:

Girl in Halloween Costume Mistaken for Skunk Shot by Cousin

Another good reason

not to eat bugs:

Man Dies After Roach-Eating Contest

For your reading pleasure

I did not create this. I merely copy it here because it is too good to miss. A stunning display of humanity at its most outrageously self-absorbed finest.

An email from the bride-to-be to her ten (yes, ten) bridesmaids (spelling and grammar all original):

To m lovely Bridesmaid:

As you all know I picked 10 wonderful ladies to stand by my side, share and make happen my special day to Jake. Each of you individually have a reason and a special place in my heart of why I picked you to be a bridesmaid. We have set our date for Saturday, August 31, 2013 in Vail, Colorado. That seems far away but it really isn’t, the earlier the planning the better. You may have already knew that my wonderful sister L— will be the Maid of Honor, she’s in charge under me. Also my lovely mom will be a big help as well. L— has a big role in throwing me a bridal shower and bachelorette party, of course all of you guys do but at the end of the day shes the go to person and makes it happen.

You all have a big roll in this wedding, so before we continue I’m going to be setting some ground rules and its very important you read and think about everything through before you accept this honor to be a bridesmaid. If you guys email anything I would also like you to put L— in the CC. Not all the bridesmaid need to be CC’d unless its coming from me or L—, if it something everyone needs to see then well do it. We set the date to August 31, 2013 if that’s a problem we need to know NOW. Also by the end of the week we will be setting dates for the engagement party, bridal show and bachelorette party.

Our wedding party is really the most important people at the wedding besides my self and Jake so we want every single one of our bridesmaid and grooms at our parties, I have 10 not 8 where two couldn’t make it so if you already know you cant make one of the parties then we have to find someone else, not to be harsh in the slightest it would sadden me and of course you’ll still be invited to our wedding, engagement ect. But it’s different if your not in the wedding party and couldn’t make it. We’ll give everyone well advance dates for the parties and it will always fall on a weekend. The wedding as I stated will be in Vail the engagement party will either be in NY or CT and the bachelorette party will be in Vegas, cliche yeaa but I’ve never been.

A few girls live out of town so if there is going to be a problem with coming to either one then I need to know now because after this week I don’t want to be surprised. I would like everyone to send me any dates they are going away or planning to go away after February so if your going away in January I don’t care. I want any dates from February to the day of our wedding in August, that way we know not to plan something when your away. But after this week the dates are set in stone. Also if money is tight and you cant afford to contribute to say the bachelorette party or wont be able to afford a dress etc then L— and Myself don’t have time to deal with that, I’m sorry. This includes flights as well, everyone knows the states where the parties are going to be held so if you wont be able to afford a flight then that means you cant make a party which ultimately means I cant have you as a bridesmaid. Obviously we’ll get the best deals and were not gonna books flights for $1000 and shit that’s why were doing this in advance, that goes for bridesmaids dresses as well everything will be affordable but if you think by affordable its going to be a $25 forever 21 dress then your going to the wrong wedding.

If your out of state though don’t think you have to fly in for all fittings, that we will work with you, find stores in your town, get don’t have to worry about that. Also if you accept this honor another thing is that you need to be available, I’m not going to harass you with wedding stuff every hour of everyday but if its something important and it takes you a week even 2-3 days to get back to me seeeee ya! I don’t have time to wait around for responses, everyone has their phone on them, it shouldn’t take you more than a day to get back to me, even if your out of the country, check your email!

Furthermore, Ever since I could remember I have dreamed about this day all my life. I want to share it with the people that are most important to me. You only get one time to plan your dream wedding and I couldn’t pick a more amazing group of girls to make that dream come true! So please, what’s stated above think about it all and by Wednesday I need to know if everyone is 100% in, and what I have asked about sending me dates if your gonna be away between Feb-Aug ill need that on Wednesday. If you don’t think you’ll be able to attend one party but can make the rest of them I’m sorry but I’ll have to take you out as a bridesmaid and put you as a guest. If you want to get back to me before Wednesday, that’s fine. Really think about everything I’ve said. This is really going to be the most epic wedding ever so I hope you girls can share this special day with us!



Interesting News Story

This is one everyone should read.

I won’t say what it’s about but I will say it involves cockroaches.  And dark places where they might hide.

Hint: you have two.

More Interesting News Stories

No one should ever read this one.  Why? Because it’s so much more interesting to just think about:

“Humans Broke Off Neanderthal Sex After Discovering Eurasia”

P.S. If you want to spoil it.

Calling Dr. Seuss!

There are multiple good reasons why clothing was invented.

Reason #1: my body.  Which, thanks to the reasons why clothing was invented, I rarely have to see, especially because I almost always wear pants, which camouflage 50% of the reason. (I don’t care who you are or how much you workout – after a certain age, naked is no longer a good look for you.)

So I was amazed when I had an opportunity to wear a dress (note to self: do NOT let that happen again) and noticed that my legs had been hijacked by a cartographer.

Nobody had asked me, but there they were: hundreds of inches of highways and byways etched onto my skin from my lower thighs to my ankles. The good news: I no longer needed my GPS. The bad news: I now had spider veins.

I rushed to find sound, reliable medical information on the phenomena. This, of course, meant I googled it.

And immediately learned that, once again, I was cursed because of my sex.

The first hit was “women’s health.”

“Is life fair?” I ask.

“No, it is not,” I answer.

Because it doesn’t happen to most men – who don’t usually wear skirts and almost never wear pantyhose. No – but even if they did they are allowed the luxury of a furry blanket of hair that covers any spider veins they might, on the rare occasion, develop.

Not so women.

Because this is just another little fringe benefit of our gender:

We get them standing up.
We get them sitting down.
We get them here and there.
We get them everywhere.
From puberty to pregnancy,
to pausing menses you will see,
our hormones mean catastrophe!

In the pill or HRT,
for women, it’s just meant to be.
Estrogen, progesterone,
and age (the factors widely known)
will give to most us lucky “shes”
a spider vein filled destiny:
legs designed by Rand McNally!

I’m shocked! shocked!

that votes are being suppressed!

Mrs. Higgins is not having a good day. In fact, she’s having a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

It’s because of voting. Or rather, the inalienable right to vote. Which every U.S. citizen age 18 or older is supposed to have – with a few limitations. Such as being on death row. But other than that it should be pretty easy to cast a ballot. At least according to the constitution.

Which is the problem.

Some people think it’s too easy to exercise that fundamental right. Some people think it’s not enough to have to prove who you are and where you live when you register to vote (which is a mandatory prerequisite to being allowed to vote).

Instead, some people think casting a ballot should be harder to do than gaining entry to Fort Knox.  Which, on second thought, might be too easy. So let’s make it more like getting admitted to the Curtis Institute of Music which, with the lowest college acceptance rate in the country, would mean that, for the most part, anyone who is not a privileged white person would have a better chance of getting into Fort Knox, being struck by lightening, or winning the lottery than getting to vote.

This is the point where Mrs. Higgins turns a striking shade of purple. Eggplant. Definitely the color of an eggplant. Because, as she has been teaching people for more years than she cares to admit, an inalienable right is something that people aren’t supposed to be able to alienate.

But Republicans are doing it anyway, requiring government-issued photo ID to be able to vote. And limiting early voting. And limiting voting by absentee ballot. And limiting who can register voters. All of which tends to make it harder to vote.

And even then it might still be too easy, so Republicans hire other Republicans to take all possible measures to protect Republicans. The only teensy-weensy problem with that being it’s against the law.

Which is why Republicans are now outraged by the attack on the voting rights of service members abroad. Who may be having trouble getting absentee ballots because of the new voter laws pushed through by the Republicans.

So they are doing what anyone in their situation would do: blame the Democrats.  Because obviously the Commander-in-Chief is responsible because he’s conspiring with all the states to suppress military votes. Even if he’s not.

Because just as obviously, right-wing foundations which send out misleading information can be trusted to always tell the truth when their project staff by wild coincidence are members of completely non-partisan Koch-backed organizations like the Heritage Foundation who conveniently report the outrageous scandal that absentee-ballot requests by military personnel are down, even though the military reports the opposite.

But what does the military know – these are the people who couldn’t even find Bin Laden by themselves. They needed Mitt to do it for them.

And of course none of the current Republican outrage has anything to do with being a defensive response to the growing investigation into actual voter fraud by Republicans.

Of course not.