Stupid is as Stupid Does

Dear FreedomWorks,

I don’t know how you got my email address or whether I just pissed off someone with a really nasty temper who then fraudulently subscribed me on some far-right-wing-nut web page so that I would forever have my in-box filled with solicitations for donations from “true patriots” who want to help “take back our country” and give “grassroots freedom-fighters the tools they need to fight Big Government and protect America’s liberty.”

I do have to ask – by “grass-roots” do you mean the billionaire Koch-financed effort to convert the government into a subsidiary of Koch Industries?

Just wondered.

And did you know that when you say “FreedomWorks” aloud it sounds like “Fweedumwoks” ? Go ahead, try it. It really does. (Which, of course, means Elmer Fudd is actually a furry “true patriot” living on Endor. Think about that.)

Anyway, you emailed me a survey. It didn’t ask any sensible questions so I didn’t respond which is why you decided to send it to me again because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me!

Far be it from me to disappoint you.

You asked me to “rank these issues in order of importance (1-5).” Those issues were as follows:

• Stop libtard bureaucrats from ruining our schools and dumbing down America’s kids with things like science and reasoning skills.

• No gun control because the civil liberties protected in our Bill of Rights must be protected at all costs. If it’s the 2nd Amendment. The rest can be compromised to protect us from Kenyan Muslim Usurpers.

• Stop government spending we don’t need it look at Somalia no government so no government spending and they’re doing okay all they need are enough guns and thanks to the 2nd Amendment we got those.

• Defund ObamaCare: Congress must ensure not one more penny goes to funding that fearsome Godzilla of socialized medicine by spending millions of tax dollars on ineffective votes to repeal the Affordable Care Act.

• Defending the House: We the Tin-Foil Hat People must defend the House and prevent another round of Speaker Nancy Pelosi because she’s like a damn comet that keeps circling back and we much prefer Ted Nugent even if he runs in circles like a rabid three-legged dog biting his own tail.

I’m not being critical but for some reason these “issues” somehow – how do I say this with delicacy, hmmmm – seem completely insane and don’t reflect any issue of any importance to any rational human being.

However.

Because you desperately need to know what the most important issues are to me, here they are:

1. Climate change. Won’t we all share a hearty laugh when it turns out to be real and we no longer have a place to live?

2. Money in politics. Seriously – fix that and we can fix #1.

3. Emails from billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. On second thought, #2 will take care of that.

4. Billionaire-funded lunatic fringe groups like FreedomWorks. Oh, wait. Never mind.

5. Billionaires David and Charles Koch. Oh, wait.

6. Wall Street. Corporate Welfare. Income inequality.

Oops.

Damn.

#2 should be #1, shouldn’t it?

I’m sure you and your billionaire backers agree, right?

Why I never get anything done

I’m a writer. So I have what many people consider to be an ideal job: sitting at home all day long in my pajamas playing computer games.

But that’s not why I never get anything done.

The real reason I never get anything done including not writing my new novel is because things happen.

Things like the really rude survey phone call which demands an immediate response …

To: Seedy Research Partners
From: irate member of the public

Dear Seedy Partners,

Tonight I received a call from someone who was calling me on your behalf and who was not only rude – she hung up on me.

Note: If you hire crappy companies to do surveys for you, you end up looking like crap.

A female voice basically identified herself as calling with some questions which is when I interrupted her.

When strangers call me with questions (ESPECIALLY from an “unknown number”), I like to know who they are, where they are from and a little bit about them and why they are calling me before I decide whether I want to share anything at all with them but ESPECIALLY my age range and whether I prefer artichokes or George Clooney.

So I asked her for the company name. She said “Seedy Research.” I asked if she worked for that company and where it was located. She said she was calling from New York. When I asked again if she worked for Seedy and where it is located, she hung up.

Very bad form.

So I googled and found your website.

Note: incoherent descriptions full of buzz words do not impress anyone. If I was a potential client, I would immediately decide never to hire you after reading something like this: “His situational awareness enables his decision-making … finds the reward of the transformation”  “Jenny is … energized by the journey from ignorance to competence … diligently governs all kinds of situations … Jenny knows every intricate piece of information” [really? – she’s omniscient?] “Sean is reflective in careful in considering information” [not even grammatically correct]  “His ability … ranks high on his favorite activities.” [Hmmm. Sounds like an egomaniac to me.]

Seriously: if you want people to answer questions, be nice to them. Answer their questions honestly. After all – they are the ones doing you a favor.

Note: call from a real business telephone number, not an “unknown number.”

And for god’s sake – stop with the gobbledegook buzz words strung together in meaningless phrases. Pay someone to write something that makes sense while making you look good. Right now your website just sounds like pretentious nonsense.

And do the surveys yourself.

Yours truly