Hear and Obey

I know there’s been a great deal of discussion and debate recently about which state has the worst governor but before making your final decision, I’d like you to think about two things.

Exhibit #1: What if the Governor’s spouse is named Tonette?

Is “Tonette”:

A. a backup singer in the 60’s girl group Toni and the Tonettes?
B. an amazing new exercise device that will have you toned and firm in just 30 days or your money back?
C. an award given to Broadway shows and performers each year, commonly called a “Tony”?
D. a 1950’s brand of home permanent?
E. I’m not going to answer because why would anyone make an issue of someone’s name?

Although A, B, and C are equally plausible and D couldn’t possibly be true, the correct answer is “D.” Yes, Tonette’s father named her after a 1950’s brand of home permanent. Which leads to “E” because it’s a vivid reminder that one of the most important jobs a parent has is to give their child a cool but bland name that no one will ever poke fun at but which will make you incredibly popular and assure that everyone from pre-school until death will want to be your friend. Being named after any household product is probably not in that category. (“This is my son, Static Guard.”)

Exhibit #2: What if the Governor thinks God talks directly to him?

Yes, we know that several Governors have announced that they talk to God and that God wants them to run for president (confirming that God certainly must have a wicked sense of humor), but I know of only one governor who not only talks to God – he believes that God talks back.

Yes, welcome to Wacky Wisconsin, the fun state where we never know what Scott Walker will do next, only that it will likely be something even worse than before and if God is behind it I’m really going to be pissed.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m making this up. No way would a grown man with serious political aspirations ever say something that would make him look like a nutcase who should be isolated and treated instead of given unlimited control over the lives and futures of millions of people.

Sadly, I’m not. Our governor is on record admitting he hears voices. Yes, God has told him what to do since high school, including what to wear, what jobs to take, who he should marry, what to have for breakfast (this morning it was oatmeal) and when to run for office.

For example,the day he met his wife: “That night I heard Christ tell me, ‘This is the person you’re going to be with.’”

And when he was thinking about withdrawing from the 2006 race for governor, God spoke again. “This is what you’re going to do [withdraw]. Look at me. Find that point on the horizon, and you’re going to be just fine.” And I’m glad God gave him that advice. But I’d really like to know what made God change his mind just a few years later and tell him to get back in the race.

Or was it really God? What if – and this may be a radical concept – what if he really does hear voices but those voices don’t really belong to God. I mean – has he asked for any identification? Some random voice starts talking to you and you just assume it’s God? What if it’s a wrong number?

Seriously, if I started hearing voices, my first reaction is not going to be – “Wow! God is talking to me!”  My first reaction is going to be, “what the hell?” Then I’m checking my dental work. And then the kitchen radio and the living room television. Nope, not those. So my next reaction would be: ”Okay wiseass, is this Ashton Kutcher and am I being punked?”

And then I’m calling my friend in the CIA and asking him to come sweep my house for bugs and hidden speakers. Because no way am I crazy enough to be hearing disembodied voices with no apparent source, no matter what my in-laws tell you.

And then I’m asking: okay – who is this really and where are you hiding? And if the voice says “I am God” then I’m asking for verifiable proof, something more than a burning bush, something that would let him vote in the 2012 elections because otherwise I’m just not buying it. Even if he does sound like Morgan Freeman.

But Walker didn’t do any of that. He just calmly assumed the voice was God (the Christian one, not that foreign-sounding Allah or Yahweh or the Great Spirit or any other non-Christian deity).

And he never questioned why God would take such a personal interest.

Really? God just picked some random dude in Wisconsin to strike up a conversation with? Does that make sense? Doesn’t God have, like, important stuff to do? Why would he start talking to Scott?  And is anyone else troubled by the whole “I heard Christ tell me, ‘This is the person you’re going to be with’ ” shtick? Is that any way to pick a spouse? A random voice telling you who to marry? If he told you to jump off a cliff would you do that too?

Which gives me an idea. What if – and this is all strictly hypothetical – what if somebody in the right place could get some wires planted in the right places? And then what if that somebody could arrange for Morgan Freeman to do an uncredited cameo? I mean, if Walker believes he must “100 percent” do whatever the voice tells him to do, what if the voice whispered “You must listen to Peter Barca” …