Category Archives: Stupid

Where do I begin?

Read this. Don’t ask why, just do it:

A memorial service has been scheduled in Wisconsin on Friday, Dec. 14, for the woman who was driving a stolen car when she crashed into another vehicle on Route 38 in Campton Hills on Dec. 1, killing a Maple Park man and injuring two other people.

We have a woman (with a suspended license) driving a stolen car.  One that she stole. Involved in a hit and run. Then a high speed chase. Then later causes a crash by driving in the wrong lane that, in addition to killing her, kills an innocent young man and his dog, and injures his girlfriend and others.

And an obituary which states that she died as “a result of a motor vehicle accident.”

That’s like saying Nixon resigned the presidency for health reasons.

I understand that despite her being a criminal who killed people, someone may have cared about her. But seriously – even if you think Hitler deserved a memorial service, wouldn’t you keep it private? And quiet?

(And no – I am NOT comparing her to Hitler so please don’t write angry comments claiming I am. I’m just trying to make a point.)

More Fun With Lists

So here I am. Writing my blog again. Why am I writing a blog instead of earning real money writing real articles like “15 super-frugal saving tips“?

Because I’d rather rip off my own fingers, one at a time, than write something that 1) people already know or 2) is really, really stupid. Or both.

Doubt me? Here’s the caption after the title: “Big-time penny-pinchers will go all out to cut back on spending. These strategies can help them save more than the average consumer.”

Here are the actual tips (the comments are mine):

1. Take cold showers: this bright idea will save money by lowering power and water bills through shorter showers (reducing energy and water use).  Until you consider the medical expenses for men after their testicles retreat into their bodies seeking warmth or the real risk that people will skip showers altogether, increasing usage (and adding the cost) of air fresheners and colognes.

2. Get rid of your car: Great, just great. The .001% of the population who has access to affordable public transportation gets to save a whole lot of money. The rest of us (you know – 99.999%) can commute on foot or bicycle. All year long. Including winter. When, during that long, dark, bitterly cold bike ride home, you get frost bite and hypothermia. Requiring the amputation of two toes, an ear, and your left pinky. While recovering in the hospital, brighten your day thinking about how not having the expense of a car will let you pay .001% of your hospital bill.

3. Stop using a fridge: We know how much money the Amish save with this tactic. Or do they? Can’t they use gasoline-powered generators? So maybe they don’t save any money at all. Or is it the Mennonites? They both look the same to me. Does that make me a bigot?

4. Replace your house with an RV: what could be cheaper – or easier – than traditional housing? So much less to keep clean! So much less space to call home! Or seek privacy! Which you remember a split second too late after you have a fight with your roommate and stalk out, slamming the door as you exit the RV while it rolls down the highway at 60 miles per hour.

5. Bake cookies in your car: really? What whack job thought this up? Oh. That’s right. The same whack job who thinks that parking your car in the sun on a 95+ degree day and waiting 2.5 hours for the cookies to bake is okay. Nobody waits that long for cookies. Just eat the damn cookie dough. Same amount of energy saved, no waiting.

6. Reuse plastic sandwich bags: the only tip so far that makes any sense. Except when the bag is used to transport body parts, anthrax, or arsenic.

7. Turn car off while it’s still moving: Best idea yet! What could possibly go wrong? Let’s just turn off the engine while we’re coasting even though the car isn’t burning any measurable gasoline. Just be careful not to turn the key to the — wait a minute! Ack! I accidentally turned the key to the “locked” position! Look out for that truc–

8. Make your own cleaning supplies: like Tip #6, not a bad idea. Better idea: don’t clean, save even more!

9. Stop drinking soda (or other beverages): Sooo smart. Stop drinking beverages of all kinds. Save money for the funeral which will happen shortly after you die of dehydration.

10. Move in with your parents: I’m betting it wasn’t a parent who thought this up. Better yet – don’t give them the chance to say no. Just say you’re coming home for a visit and then never leave.

11. Buy in bulk: because everyone needs a closet full of gallon jars of olives. Which segues nicely to …

12. Stockpile supplies: won’t necessarily save you money, but in the event of a zombie attack, you won’t have to risk a trip to the grocery store.

13. Compare prices: First, make sure you convert to the same unit of measurement. For example, when buying steak, note that filet mignon, at $19 a pound, looks more expensive than the caviar at $18 an ounce, making the caviar look like a better deal. Until you realize that caviar is raw fish eggs and THAT could mean you’d eventually cough up a sturgeon and you don’t even like fish.

14. Cook big: nothing saves money like eating leftovers for a week because by the third night you’ll decide not to eat anything at all, saving even more!

15. Plan ahead: be a “Surprise! Just thought I’d drop by, my that smells good” uninvited guest who coincidentally happens to arrive as people are sitting down to dinner. Change destination nightly.

Dear Woman In Front of Me at the Dunkin Donuts/Baskin-Robbins Express

Maybe you have no peripheral vision, so were incapable of seeing the growing crowd of people helplessly trapped behind you in line, desperately waiting for their coffee while you surveyed the (apparently) mind-numbing quantity of choices available to you and the children you were escorting.

Maybe your parents never taught you to be considerate of other living beings as you wander the face of this earth.

Maybe your parents raised you to believe that you, in fact, are the center of the universe as well as its sun, moon and stars and that all others should be dazzled and humbled by your magnificence.

Maybe you are just a selfish slob of a human being.

Whatever the reason, let me show you the path to enlightenment.

1. When you go to a place of business, be it a corner lemonade stand, a grocery store, or maybe a … Dunkin Donuts/Baskin-Robbins Express, do not get up to the register and do this:

Woman: Well Janie what do you want?

Janie: I don’t know. Do they have ice cream?

Woman: Ice cream? They don’t have ice cream this time of day.

Woman: What about you Bobby?

Bobby: I don’t know.

Woman: How about a bagel?

Bobby: Okay I guess.

Woman: Are you sure? Is that all?

Bobby: Yes.

Woman: Let’s see, we’ll take a plain bagel and some Munchkins®. And what are those over there? And those? Is that an apple fritter?”

Clerk: Here’s your bagel. Did you want some cream cheese with that?

Woman: Yes. Are those apple fritters?

Bobby: I want an apple fritter.

Woman: Here, you can have the bagel back and instead he’ll have an apple fritter. What about you Janie?

Janie: Do you have ice cream this time of day?

Clerk: We’re a Baskin-Robbins Express. We always have ice cream, but it’s soft serve.

Janie: I don’t want that.

Woman: I’ve decided I don’t want the Munchkins®. I want a Smoked Sausage sandwich.

Clerk: We don’t have that right now.

Woman: Well then I don’t know what I want. What about you Janie?

Janie: Do they have any Munchkins®?

Woman: Are those pumpkin Munchkins®?

Janie: I want some of those.

Woman: We’ll take an order of pumpkin Munchkins®.

Clerk: is that all?

Woman: Hmmm. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll have some coffee. Yes, I think I’ll have a small coffee.

Clerk: is that all?

Woman: I don’t know.

Le me repeat myself: this is NOT what you do.

2. This is what you do:

Woman: Janie and Bobby, do you know what you want?

Janie and Bobby: No.

Woman: Okay, we’ll step out of the way until we know what we want.

Thank you. This will keep my head from exploding.

Sincerely,
Person With An Exploded Head

Dear America, Please Don’t Fall for This Shit Again

By Adam McKay. Reprinted here because this is important.  Original at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/adam-mckay/romney-obama-election-2012_b_2080326.html

This election season there’s a billowing cloud of misinformation being sprayed into the American psyche like a burping tail pipe on a primered Vega.

And its smoke is thicker and blacker than ever before thanks to the Citizen’s United Supreme Court decision.

Billions have been spent for one purpose and one purpose only: to obscure and distract from the fact that Mitt Romney is backing the identical agenda George W Bush did.

It’s really and truly that simple.

Lower taxes for the rich, cutting regulations for Wall Street, hawkish foreign policy with in many cases the same neocon foreign policy advisers W. Bush used make Romney/Ryan “W Bush 2: The Sequel to the Greatest Disaster Movie in Recent U.S. History, Available in Imax.”

So please, America, don’t fall for this con all over again. Taxes for the rich are at record lows. The uber-wealthy and corps hide profits overseas and work the loopholes to avoid paying what they should. And because of the resulting tax shortfall, deficits soar and education and infrastructure are cut. Why in God’s name would anyone in their right mind support cutting taxes for the wealthy more? Especially when it’s been proven over and over again to do very little for the economy?

And the idea of cutting regulations for Wall Street after the ’08 collapse is as crazy as a guy in a hospital gown by the side of a highway waving Barbie dolls at passing cars. With the derivitives market larger than ever we need way more regulation of Wall Street, not less. And worst of all, Romney’s hawkish foreign policy is a beat for beat redux of the Bush doctrine of attack at the slightest hint of threat that led us into the disaster of the Iraq war. Call it “the edgy drifter with a knife” policy.

Voting for Romney after the train wreck of that was the eight years of W. Bush is like losing your pay check playing a rigged game of three-card monte and then playing the same game again a week later cause the cards are a different color.

But Obama is a socialist! He’s made things worse! What about the deficit?! Stop your witchy liberal word spells!

These objections to Obama are nonsense and lies at best. They just are. This isn’t a “liberal” POV. It’s just the truth. Obama does have real failings as a president (illegal drone strikes, a baffling desire to make more trade deals, failure to prosecute past war crimes), but being a socialist big spender is not remotely one of them. The stock market and corporate profits have soared under the Obama administration. And the deficit is 60 percent from tax short falls from the ’08 collapse and 20 percent from the Iraq war finally being properly counted. Only $1 trillion of the $5 trillion deficit is from spending that was for the stimulus package that stopped our nation from falling into a depression by any economic metric available. The fact is Obama has spent less than any president in 50 years.

Even Obamacare is a private mandate that will drive billions to the insurance industry, much like the auto insurance mandate. Hardly socialism. In fact, it was a Republican plan to begin with.

But Romney and his billionaire backers have twisted facts and outright lied like we’ve never seen before. And why? Because if they had to stand on the issues they wouldn’t receive a vote. Because Romney and Ryan are exactly on the same page as W. Bush. And that page is stained with champagne and sturgeon eggs.

If Romney wins it will be because voters voted for the lies and the brand ID of the Republican party, not because of facts, context and reality. This is the essence of how a con works. The con man gets the mark to respond emotionally rather than logically. Please, don’t fall for it. With climate change becoming the biggest challenge of the next hundred years we can’t afford four years more of corruption, misinformation and inaction. We just can’t.

We must give up on this blind brand allegiance nonsense — “the Republican party is for self-reliance and America” — and start looking at the reality of what they do. They ignored warnings on 9/11, making us far less safe, give billions in subsidies to oil companies, no-bid contracts to the former vice president’s company, cut taxes for the rich during a war, stand against equal pay for women, froze the budget to drive our AAA rating down. They are corrupt, for the rich getting richer and for dismantling our government including FEMA, Medicare, and Social Security.

And worst of all, the Republicans do everything they can to make it hard for people to vote. This isn’t just creepy and dirty. This is anti-American and an insult to all those that have given their lives for our right to vote.

At a certain point if you’re voting for Romney you have to look around the room and see who you’re with. W, Bush and Cheney will vote for Romney. Sarah Palin will vote for Romney. Glenn Beck will vote for Romney, as will Rush Limbaugh. Rupert Murdoch, Hannity and Donald Trump are voting for Romney. Have these people been right about anything in the past 20 years? For real. Think about it.

This election needs to be the end of the con. The end of “trickle-down economics.” The end of the loopholes. The end of no rules for the rich and powerful. The end of veiled racism, sexism and homophobia as a way to distract those you’re ripping off.

This era of “relative truth” can end. We can return to science, facts and fairness. But it means stopping this right vs. left, Dem. vs. Repub., North vs. South idiocy. A lot of money was spent to divide us like this and every day that we don’t stop and question the messaging this country slips a notch.

We’ve been having the same argument for 30 years and the evidence is clear: Cutting taxes for the rich, deregulating all the rules set up after the Great Depression and needless wars don’t even remotely work, whether it’s George W. Bush or Romney who’s at the wheel of the belching sputtering Vega.

Seriously, America. Take a beat, think and look hard at the numbers. You’re better than this crap. And we’ve got real stuff to work on together.

This is an NBC News Special Report

Bom-bom-bom-bom

Here is Brian Williams

Bom-bom-bom-bom

Good evening. This is Brian Williams with an NBC News Special Report. I’m reporting live from an undisclosed location. Here with me tonight are the last survivors of a group that has been hunted mercilessly for weeks, stalked, followed, bombarded with mail, phone calls, and strangers pounding on their doors. I am, of course, talking about the undecided voter.

Who are they, these people who have attracted so much unwanted attention, who have become the focus of an intense manhunt by hundreds of political pollsters and pundits, been followed into stores and accosted on the street?

We’re here to find out.

As you can see behind me, conditions here are harsh. Trapped in a dark, windowless safe house with no wi-fi or cable, these undecided voters have been forced to abandon the comfort of their homes and the companionship of their loved ones to live out their days until the election with only network television and MRE’s to sustain them.

I’d like to introduce you to Bob K. We won’t reveal his last name or home town because of the risk to his family; many of the Super PAC’s have already shown they respect no personal boundaries. Police are concerned that, given the chance, Fox News would relentless hound them with reports that undecided voters are responsible for the attack in Benghazi.

Bob, how are you holding up?

Well, Brian, it’s been tough. I haven’t showered since yesterday and the pressure on us to decide has been pretty intense.

What’s been happening?

Well, I’m on all the do-not-call lists but they call anyway. Day. Night. Morning. Evening. Nothing stops them. They’re heartless.

Who’s calling you?

Mostly robo-calls. Sometimes it’s a celebrity like Clint Eastwood. Only at first he couldn’t remember his name or why he was calling. I felt pretty bad for him but then realized maybe it was a ploy to get Romney a sympathy vote so I hung up.

Anyone else?

Oh yeah. A lot of anonymous people saying they’re a “National Polling Firm” but when I start asking questions like “what’s the company’s real name and who’s paying for this?” they hang up. I’m pretty sure it’s Republicans, because the Democrats are all really nice. Maybe too nice. They just want to help people out in times of trouble but sometimes you gotta be a tough son of a bitch so I just don’t know.

Thanks, Bob, and best of luck to you. Let’s get another viewpoint from Maddie. It is Maddie?

That’s right, Brian.

Maddie, why do you continue to be undecided, despite all the hardships you endure because of it?

Well, it’s complicated. I’m Presbyterian  and I was raised to believe that we all have to look out for each other and we need to be good stewards of the earth. So that should mean voting for the Democratic candidates. But then I keep seeing all these commercials by all these patriotic groups like Concerned Women of America and Americans for Prosperity and Americans for Tax Reform and they tell me that President Obama is a Kenyan socialist Muslim who is going to put my grandma on an ice floe, pass Sharia Law, and pay Mexicans to have babies in America which makes me wonder. I mean, they couldn’t say that unless it was true, right? I don’t want my Granny to die although with the polar ice cap melting I don’t know where the President would find an ice flow to put her on, I hear polar bears are drowning without them. And some people attack him because he’s black, but other people say he’s white. So I’m torn.

Thank you, Maddie, for sharing. As you’ve heard, ladies and gentlemen, these people are facing tough choices. But they show strength and courage, resisting efforts to coerce them to make up their minds.

[series of explosive sounds off camera]

Wait a minute, what was that noise? Can you get a camera on that? Ladies and gentlemen, this is breaking news. The security cameras show a mob has gathered at the entrance to the safe house. You can’t see the details, but it appears as if they are all carrying clipboards and flyers of some kind. What? I’m hearing that it appears they are Republican canvassers.

[Undecided voters in the background begin to scream. Several rush about in panic. Two men are locked in battle, stumbling past the camera as they struggle.]

They triangulated our location using your cell phone! I told you no fucking cell phone!

Screw you Reginald Ludwig Dunston of Barrington Illinois! I wanted pizza!

This is Brian Williams on location. Now back to the studio and our next segment, Yes, People Who Believe What They Hear On Fox Really Are That Stupid.

Yes Virginia

people really are this stupid:

Girl in Halloween Costume Mistaken for Skunk Shot by Cousin

Ethical Dilemmas

You’re driving along and notice an empty car off the road. The engine is running. The windshield wipers are on. It’s 4 a.m.. No one is around.

Naturally you think, “Hmmm. How strange. And suspicious. I should call the cops and report this.”

You clearly lack the correct criminal attitude. What you should do is take the keys out of the ignition, open the trunk, and try to steal the car’s speakers. That way you’ll find the dead body hidden there.

Now comes the dilemma. Do you:

a. take the speakers, wipe your prints, and continue on your way;

b. take the speakers, wipe your prints, and then call the cops as a concerned citizen to report the car knowing (after watching C.S.I) that they’ll find your DNA, but you don’t know nothing about no speakers;

c. not take the speakers and then call the cops as a concerned citizen to report the car knowing (after watching C.S.I) that they’ll find your DNA;

d. call the cops and tell them you found a body while trying to steal some car speakers.

Stupid criminal response: a, b, or c.

Really stupid criminal response: d. Seriously: Looking for something to steal, man finds body in trunk.

You want the truth?

Once upon a time long, long ago, most people told the truth most of the time.

Even politicians.

Lying was considered a bad thing. Reporters were called “journalists” whose purpose was to search for and report the facts in an unbiased, fair and impartial way. Edward R. Murrow persevered in the search for truth, even exposing Joe McCarthy’s fanatical fear-mongering. Walter Cronkite was the man America trusted.

People learned critical thinking skills which they used to process incoming communications, winnowing and sifting, questioning with a healthy dose of skepticism what they saw and heard. “I wasn’t born yesterday,” and “You can’t fool all of the people all of the time” were heard throughout the land.

Thankfully that’s all over with. Karl Rove was born, Rupert Murdoch transformed the Fox Network into a “We just make stuff up because we can if we’re in the U.S., even if that kept us out of Canada because (unlike the U.S.) it has a sensible law which forbids lying on broadcast news,” and the Supreme’s hit single “Citizens United” topped the charts.

Now anybody with money can say anything and the vast majority of people will not only accept it as true, but endlessly repeat it to others via any and all possible methods of communication.

Meanwhile, anonymous “non-partisan” entities with no identifying information (no location, no phone number, no names of any human beings who could possibly be connected with it or funding it) proliferate more quickly than cockroaches in the dark, spreading disinformation.

I know what you’re thinking – you’re thinking, “completely anonymous people or entities with a name like ‘Words Matter 2012’? Nobody would pay attention to them! I mean, why should they? For all we know the person behind it could be an escapee from an asylum with his head wrapped in aluminum foil who believes his instructions come from Planet Zyborg!”

You are right. And very, very wrong. Because the masses did not question the anonymity. They did not say, “for all we know this could be an escapee from an asylum with his head wrapped in aluminum foil who believes his instructions come from Planet Zyborg!”

No – they all nodded their heads in compete agreement and hit “forward” then immediately shared and reposted it a gazillion times on facebook, twitter, and youtube.

Including people like:

crazyup inhurr ‏@Crazyupinhurr Shut your mouth, Hippie. Political Correctness and Liberals are the Herpes on the crotch of this great Country.

Patty Foster ‏@PATTYFOSTER53 53 yr old grandma…Independent, Conservative, God fearing woman..who loves her family..and i Love my Country the greatest in the world…I LOVE FOX NEWS…

Linda Hobart ‏@Ga5mom Mom,wife, grammy,Texas transplant, Constitutional Conservative, IT networker, TEA Party member

Ms.Jeffry Douglas ‏@MsJeffDesigns Republican,Conservative.Pledge of allegiance,in God we trust.Tired of PC. Love family,love my children.

linda e ‏@MRSEMOND Pissed Off American, Proud Responsible Conservative, God Fearing, Gun loving Married Mother of two from Southern California.

Judson Phillips ‏@teapartynation Tea Party Nation – A Home for Conservatives

TEAMPACUSA ‏ @TEAMPACUSA TEAM PAC USA is dedicated to Obama’s defeat  Watch our Documentary detailing Obama’s Deception and Failure on Youtube

Hmmm … do we sense a theme here?

We start with “Words Matter 2012.” An anonymous something (no one knows if it’s animal, vegetable, mineral, or none of the above) which claims to be a “non-partisan” 501(c)(3) non-profit corporation, yet is exclusively dedicated to bashing President Obama 24/7/365 on:

its website  (registered anonymously);

facebook (no identifying info);

twitter (no identifying info);

and its own youtube channel (where, as of September 14, 2012, twenty-nine expensive, well-edited, professionally produced attack videos were being endlessly watched by thousands of Andrew Glenn Breitbart Beck wannabees who then re-posted them on internet websites across the galaxy faster than you could wrap your head in foil.

So an anonymous something located who knows where run and financed by who knows who can take your tax-deductible donation and spend it trying to defeat a candidate by making lots of stuff up in a frenzy of fanatical fear-mongering and claim it’s non-partisan.

Edward R. Murrow, where are you?

Karma

Rapper tweets before dying in car accident.