Online Support and other Horror Stories Part II

As described in Part 1 (read that one first – that’s why it’s called “Part 1”), like everyone who has ever owned a Microsoft product, I have a problem.

And, like everyone who has ever owned a Microsoft product, my problem requires me to use online support (aka “Limbo” or “The First Circle of Hell”).

Because I should be able to fix my problem with Mr. Fix-It (who says Bill Gates lacks a sense of irony?) but when I try, the Microsoft Fix-it program tell me it’s not available because it’s not the current version and to go to the Microsoft website to run the current version which, when I do run it, tells me it’s not the current version and is unavailable.

So first I tried the free Microsoft Customer Service Chat, which tried to send me to the pay-per-view Premium Software support and when that didn’t work, hung up on me after sending me to “Sheldon C” at the “Answer Desk.”

(Sheldon is not his real name. None of the people that Microsoft hires in third world nations have real names that we could pronounce. They each pick a work name out of a jar at the beginning of their shift: Xena Warrior Princess, The Green Hornet, and Monk are all popular).

Can you guess what happened next? (Hint – it sounds like Premium Software support.)

Sheldon C: Hi, thanks for visiting Answer Desk. I’m Sheldon C.

Me: This doesn’t work: microsoftfixit.audioplayback.run.exe I get an error message: “This troubleshooter is not available.”

Sheldon C: Hello and welcome to Microsoft Answer Desk! How may I help you today?

Me: I already typed the problem.

Sheldon C: Are we having problems with the sound?

Me: Yes.

[“We”?? What the hell is this “we” nonsense???? Does this guy think he’s Queen Victoria?]

And I tried to run the fixit (which has worked before) but this time it isn’t working and sent me that error message – it’s a problem on your end.

Sheldon C: Then would you like to avail our Premium Software support then to better assist you on this issue Wiswit?

Me: What???? The problem is on your end – why should I do that????? Microsoft needs to fix the glitch on the website!

Sheldon C: If you have problems when running the automatic fix it on your end then there would be some issues perhaps on the computer maybe preventing it to work.

Me: You are missing the point! I go to your website. I click on run (on the current version on your website). I get an error message telling me the troubleshooter is invalid or expired and to go to the website to get the current version (which I already got!).

Sheldon C: there is No other version of the website Wiswit.

Me: That’s not what I said. I said the current version of the FIXIT. Which I was already using.

Sheldon C: Thats why I’m offering you our Premium Software support to assist you on this issue you are encountering. If your not intereseted then its fine as well. You can get assistance as well from your local technician near your area or your original equipment manufacturer as well.

Me: Do they pay you to not help me and just send me to somewhere that charges me???

Sheldon C: the only option we could go through is just going to the premium software support option. Wiswit you dont have problems on sound at all on your computer.

Me: Yes I do. And I fixed it before with the fixit. But today you have a website glitch. Are you not listening to me? You have a website glitch that needs to be fixed.

Sheldon C:  If i fix it by just correcting the sound control within the video, would you get the premium software support if i fix it that way?

Me: You’re not listening. Your website is having the problem. the glitch is on the website and needs to be fixed there. Which is why I contacted you so you could get someone to fix the website glitch.

Sheldon C: there is not problem on the website

Me: Yes there is – it’s not recognizing the current version as the current version.

Sheldon C: now could we stop lingering on this issue for now and fix your problem?

Me: Actually – the only way to fix my problem is to fix the website glitch so I (and everyone else) can run the fixit. The Microsoft website is not recognizing the current version of the fixit as the current version.

Sheldon C: there is no issue on the website by the way Wiswit there is no audio issue as well on the your computer its just the sound controller on the video that you need to adjust

Me: Nope. It’s not.

Sheldon C: so would like to get the premium software support then?

Me: You aren’t listening.

Sheldon C: its not from the microsoft website

Me: the file I got was off the website.Yes – the microsoft website.

Sheldon C: you are not at the website

Me: If you don’t want to accept that there is a problem with your website then at least put someone on the line who is not an idiot.

Sheldon C:  there is no problem on the website. if wish to continue from here we would need to offer our premium support service to better assist you.

Me: There is a problem but all you want to do is charge me money. Who do I contact about the glitch on the website?

Sheldon C: no glitch or problem on the website again and its a fact

Me: Who do I contact about the glitch on the website?

Sheldon C: So again if you are not interested on getting the premium software support. Please contact your local technician or your original equipment manufacturer to get assistance for the website again there is no glitch or problem

Me:  Who do I contact about the glitch on the website?

Sheldon C: that would be us Wiswit

Me: Then I need your supervisor.

Sheldon C: and like im informing you there is no problem with it

Me: Your supervisor.

Sheldon C:  Since you declined on our premium software support its best to contact your local technician or original equipment manufacturer instead.

Me: Your supervisor.

Your Answer Tech has ended your chat session. Thanks for visiting Answer Desk.

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Posted on December 3, 2013, in Commentary, Humor, oddities. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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