Online Support and other Horror Stories Part I

Microsoft exists to redistribute your money to Bill and Melinda Gates (who don’t have nearly enough) so they can take a tax write-off when they give part of it away to someone they think deserves it (which obviously isn’t you).

Microsoft has devised a fast and easy way to facilitate this process.

1. Create things that don’t work, requiring you to contact their free support team.

2. Create a free support team (none of whom speak fluent English) whose sole purpose is to send you to Microsoft’s “premium support service” (composed of a group of people whose real names we can’t pronounce but none of whom speak fluent English) which costs you money.

How do I know? I am one of the several billion people sending money to Bill and Melinda.

Today was another fine example.

I can’t play any internet videos. Or rather, I can play them, but with no sound. Yes, the sound is turned up, I’m not an idiot. I checked that first because I’ve often been an idiot in the past. Internet video watching is the primary duty of a work-at-home writer. It’s called research. Because you never know when you might want to write about electric sheep.

But the point is that it’s important. And I need to fix it. So I go to Microsoft online support which offers a handy Mr. Fix-it (complete with a Professional Handy Man cap and wrench to throw into your hard drive). Which works one time. Then won’t work the second time the sound goes off.

Instead of working to automatically find and correct the problem, I get an error message: “troubleshooter is invalid or expired” and I must to go to the website to get the current version. Which I do. Only to get the same message. Which means the website has a glitch that keeps it from recognizing the current version as the current version. Which means I am forced to try chatting with the dread on-line support tech.

With these results …

info: Please wait for an agent to respond. You are currently ‘8’ in the queue.

[Crap. “Queue.” That means they don’t speak English.]

info: All agents are currently assisting others. Thank you for your patience. An agent will be with you shortly. You are currently ‘2’ in the queue.

info: You are now chatting with ‘Lewis’.

Lewis: Hello, Wiswit.

Welcome to Microsoft Customer Service Chat.

Thank you for your waiting.

Sorry to know that the Microsoft Fixit is not working.

Let me try my best to help you.

May I know the specific Program or Software you are referring to?


Could you please elaborate the exact task you want to accomplish?

[What? Does this person not speak English? And you already KNOW what program isn’t working: Microsoft Fixit!]

Lewis: We have not heard from you. Do you wish to continue the chat?

Wiswit: yes

Lewis: Please respond to me as delay in respond may lead to session expiry and leads to disconnection in the chat session.

[Now I understand! It’s a robot!]

Lewis: Are we still connected?

Wiswit: I get no wound and ran the fixit from your website – which previously worked – but now I get an error message that fixit is unavailable to get the current version from the website But it IS the current version

Wiswit: no sound

Lewis: This seems to be a Technical issue, Wiswit.

Well, Microsoft has a dedicated Online Techncial Chat support to help you with perfect guidance or even possibly would take your device or computer on Remote to resolve the issues online. I hope this should be the right options for your Technical issues that you may not be able to handle.

So, Please click here to reach Premium Software Support – Resolve issues with Windows and Start an online chat with a Microsoft Answer Tech and resolve this issue.

I hope this helps you to resolve your issue, Wiswit.

I wish I could help.

As I have limited scope of support to help you on your concern, being a technical or a billing issue else may be out of my support knowledge; request you to please contact the dedicated support team.

Wiswit: You aren’t speaking English. Is someone there who can speak English?

Lewis: I hope you understand and cooperate.

Thank you for using Microsoft Customer Service Chat.

Please feel free to come back again.

info: Chat session has been terminated by the agent.

Posted on December 2, 2013, in Commentary, Humor, oddities. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Think that’s bad? Try being a captionist for the hearing impaired who has to repeat everything these people who know no English are trying to say in some strange language. That’s really fun!
    Love the blog!

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