Mythical Creatures

Tooth Fairy. Bigfoot. Hassle-free rebates.

Proctor and Gamble, that sexist Satan worshipping corporate alter-ego for the devil incarnate, offers rebates. Lots of rebates. They suck you into buying their stuff by offering you stuff in return. Good stuff like money and cookware.

And you believe it. (Cue evil laugh.)

It starts so innocently. And it’s so easy! Just buy an electron microscope, read the fine print on the rebate form, mail the completed form and required proofs of purchase to the P.O. box in Strongsville Ohio and, in a few short weeks, a set of highly desirable and exceedingly valuable cookware will be yours, free!

And you believe it.

Two weeks later, my envelope was returned to me marked “return to sender – no such address.”

I got out the microscope so I could read the contact number on the form. I called. The people at Proctor and Gamble said that was impossible.

After I explained I was Satan’s niece and could sniff out whoever had stamped “return to sender” on the envelope, they said I could fax or email it to them.

I faxed it, within minutes, writing “Attn: Karen” on it with my phone number, as I was directed.

A few days later, I found a message on my answering machine from Theresa telling me that she understood I wanted to submit my rebate via fax so call her back to arrange it.

Which of course I already had done.  And of course the only way Theresa could have my number was if she had received my fax.

I decided, despite possessing Satanic powers, to just scan all the rebate materials and email them.

The next day, I received an email from “Sade” at P&G Promotions, addressed to “Dear Minnesota Wit.”

Yes, you are correct. My name – which is clearly written on everything – is not Minnesota Wit.

Sade promised she had received my “information and will send it over to Special Handling. This process will take 3-5 weeks to get the rebate sent out to you.”

Thirteen weeks later, I started to wonder where it was.

Phone call #1: We have no record of you submitting anything.

Phone call #2: We received your submission, but it was never processed. No, we don’t know why and we have no way of ever learning why someone stuck your submission in a drawer and never processed it. We’ve never heard of “Sade.” Or “Karen.” Or “Theresa.” And we ran out of cookware in December, no sets are available, so we are sending $50 gift cards.

The next day, they sent me this email:

Thank you for participating in the P&G Breast Cancer Awareness Program. Your submission has been received and is currently being processed. Your FREE Pink Cookware set will arrive in 10 – 12 weeks.

The next day, they sent me this email:

Your submission was processed and shipped Fedex smart Post three days ago. You should receive it shortly.

Phone call #3: What does “shortly” mean? Because it’s not happening.

Phone call #4: The last time I called, you said “shortly” actually means 6-10 days but that would mean already here and it’s not.

Phone call #5: The last time I called, you said that 6-10 days actually means 6-10 business days but that would mean here by last Friday and it’s not.

Phone call #6: The last time I called, you said it actually didn’t get shipped until Friday and that it would be here today and it’s not.

Phone call #7: The last time I called, you said it actually shipped on Thursday and that it would be here today and it’s not.

And that’s when they said they were sending me a gift card in addition to the cookware and it should be here tomorrow. Via special delivery by Santa and his team of unicorns.

Posted on April 10, 2013, in Commentary, Humor, Other, saving money, Stupid. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Okay, this is hilarious.  Tell me it’s not true. Forty years ago, I worked as a temporary typist pretty much all during college. One job I had during Christmas holiday and spring break was at Tempil Industries in New Jersey.  They made temperature sensitive materials (think of the strip you put on the kid’s forehead that shows different colors and highlights their body temperature).  My job was to answer the requests for free samples.  I was introduced (for slightly over minimum wage) to an IBM Selectric and a box of envelopes.  In each envelope was a slip of paper, cut from a mailing or magazine or package insert, on which someone had handwritten their request, by filling in the strip, for a sample.  I typed the envelope and stuck in the sample and sealed it.  All day.  Every day.  Because it was such a mind numbing job, the manager admitted they ONLY had temps do it.  Reading the handwriting, figuring out addresses (about 5% of them came back undeliverable) was the sort of thing the company figured out no one would do long.   Today, I doubt it’s changed much, except it probably now goes into a computer for followup marketing, and because Selectrics are now antiques.  But if the temporary college student with no stake in the outcome is still the staffing model, heaven help the recipients!  I did my best to be conscientious, but the two other girls I worked with thought the whole operation pointless.

  2. Typical greedy government inefficiency! You’d never see this kind of thing in private industry.

    Oh, wait….

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