Edward Bulwer Who?

Someone, somewhere, gets paid to write stuff like this:

I’ve read this publish and if I may just I wish to counsel you some fascinating things or advice.

They have to be paid – who else besides Lewis Carroll would spend their time making up jabberwocky? Unless, perhaps, maybe their entire family was kidnapped, bound with duct tape and is now being forced to watch endless repeats of The Wiggles. Think I’m kidding? Try watching. Within 15 minutes you’ll be reduced to a whimpering puddle of protoplasm. Now imagine your granny being forced to watch. You’d write anything they asked.

I only say this because I actually read spam. Or rather, purported spam.  Because not everything sent to your spam box really is spam. I learned a long time ago that spam filters were designed by someone who felt wronged by a cruel world which had failed to recognize his evil genius, condemning him to a lifetime of spam writing instead of fulfilling his destiny as the galactic emperor.

So he vented his anger by creating an algorithm that randomly routes emails to the spam box even when the email is from your boss who has sent you an email thousands of times before but the one time he emails you an offer for that dream job in Paris and needs your answer within an hour that email will not go to your inbox. Instead, ten days later you will find it in your spam box – assuming you’re smart enough to check it every ten days.

But that’s just email spam. WordPress blog spam is not the mundane, incoherent “drug-rolex-webcam-Nigerian bank deposit” type of spam. At first I thought if  might be poetry,  but then I realized that this spam aspires to greater heights:

The International Whistlers Convention is held on the campus of Louisburg College. If you have purchased a used option, you’ll most likely want to call in tractor services so that you can get help fixing any issues that might be lingering within the machine. He frequented the nearby Audubon Society sanctuary in Sharon, where he took great interest in all the birds.

The Squishee Tantric Massage is 16″ x retreats with a diverse mountain range of services and therapies. Keep in nous that dedicated points in pelvic storey muscles and the carmine areas are the referred pain due to the initiation points. after you volition take a whisk and combined the ingredients knowingness you can increase the character of your intimate life. The team physio for Call you back.

You can find membership sites that provide instruction is particular things like how to play the guitar. The lessons are obtainable only to members of the site, although those who will not be members can view what subjects think you are taught in the lessons.

In other words, these are algorithm-misdirected entries in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, named after Edward George Bulwer-Lytton,  who wrote this: It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

The contest “challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.” Sentences like these:

The holiday happens to coincide with the end-of-the-season for many of the
Island’s young summer employees and brings on a last chance for partying hearty on Mackinac Island; some people even remodel their garages at the same time they build a pool.

As an ornithologist, George was fascinated by the fact that urine and feces mix in birds’ rectums to form a unified, homogeneous slurry that is expelled through defecation, although eying Greta’s face, and sensing the reaction of the congregation, he immediately realized he should have used a different analogy to describe their relationship in his wedding vows.*

In Southwestern Germany just east of the Luxemburg border and north of France where history pitted various related Hapsburg Royals against each other and the Archbishops of Trier, the Abbots of St. Maximin, various members of the nobility, and mobs of axe-bearing villagers, there stands a ruin whose building stones mostly were carted off to build other buildings.*

*Actual contest winners.

I rest my case.

Posted on March 21, 2013, in Humor, oddities, Other. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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