Live long and prosper.

Wait, that’s not right. That’s Vulcan. What’s written on the (“Made in China”) box of tea that I just bought is: Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor.

Wait a minute.  Live long = Long life. Prosper = Riches and honor.

Dear sweet Jesus – it’s the same thing! Spock was Chinese! China won the space race!

Or maybe not. That’s the English version. I can’t read the Chinese characters, which may just say this isn’t really tea it’s a bunch of random roadside weeds and you stupid Americans will never know the difference.

In fact, it’s supposed to be a box of premium oolong tea (at least that’s what the English letters say – I can’t read the Chinese characters) that I bought because I read that oolong tea is better for you than black or green tea.  And because oolong tea is also known as “Wu Long” which is a great name for a male porn star.

According to the slip of paper inside, it was inspected by “Hu shanjian.” Or maybe not. The Chinese characters may be mocking me, telling me that no one in China is stupid enough to waste their time inspecting random roadside weeds.

That’s why I love buying random odd boxes covered with foreign words. You never know what you’re going to get. This time it was the ad for “Tiger Balm” hidden inside with the tea bags, with “a tiger in every box!”*

Tiger Balm aims to deliver health and well being through proven oriental wisdom. Our belief is that that no one should be constrained from leading a full and active life because of aches, pains and everyday discomforts.

In other words, you will become very active despite your pain when the tiger starts chasing you.

Or maybe not. I can’t see how it would be legal to sell real tigers. Or real tiger balm.  Even if I don’t know what part of the tiger makes balm. I’ll never know, not just because that thought really grosses me out, but because I can’t read the Chinese characters which may just say this isn’t really a tiger  – what’s wrong with you people? You really think tigers make balm? … Sheesh! Spock should have been Chinese. How in the world did America ever win the space race?

*Before anyone gets their BVD’s in a wad and tells me no way could a tiger ever fit into a small box, please recall this is satire. Of course no tiger, or any part thereof, is in the box. A house cat, maybe. But definitely no tiger.


Posted on January 10, 2013, in Commentary, cooking, food additives, Humor. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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