And now, it’s time for another installment of “Miss Manners”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: You are a shining beacon of hope in dark times where courtesy and consideration are in short supply. Take last week. There I was, minding my own business, just trying to run a country, when suddenly I’m being verbally abused and berated for things I never said or did. What’s a guy to do when rich people, stupid people, and Fox News spend all their time just making stuff up?
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners agrees with you that these are dark times indeed, but even so would hesitate to describe others as stupid, even when they are ignorant, misogynistic, pebble-brained, Ayn Rand loving morons perhaps lucky enough to be born the son of a governor. Such talk abandons manners in favor of flagrant self indulgence. She does, however, wonder what would happen if their campaign plane was “accidentally” re-routed to Somalia.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don’t understand it. I’m a regular guy. Everyone on my staff tells me so. But for some reason people just can’t take a joke. Dogs on cars? That’s funny. Pretending to be a cop? Hilarious. Bullying a classmate? Hysterical.
I say things and people take them all wrong. I mean, who doesn’t like being able to fire people? But I say it and get painted as someone who sends jobs to China! It’s not fair. How can I get these people to stop misunderstanding me?
GENTLE READER: I sympathize. Nothing is worse than people with no sense of humor. The best way to be rude and completely self-absorbed without being criticized for it is to claim “I was just joking” thereby making the other person look bad for being so uptight and overly sensitive that they don’t get that you were just being funny. Try saying it after “I’m not familiar precisely with what I said, but I’ll stand by what I said, whatever it was” or “I’m not concerned about the very poor.”
Whenever anyone accuses you of being insensitive the only necessary response is to ask “What’s the matter, don’t you have a sense of humor?” You should also consider improving your image through travel, perhaps to someplace like Somalia.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I donate millions to worthy causes but people still think I’m a selfish, greedy bastard out to control the universe. They’re right, of course, but achieving my goals means I have to eat dinner with morons like Ron Johnson. Why don’t these oblivious peons understand the price I have to pay?
GENTLE READER: World domination sometimes requires no small sacrifice. Such a plan relies on manipulating the ignorant and uninformed. Those who are neither might object but ultimately you have the upper hand and when you prevail will be able to destroy them, a process which should be handled with the discretion and dignity appropriate to your status. You also might consider relocating to a place with more like-minded persons. A place with no government, no taxes, and no regulations. A place like Somalia.