Mattel® Announces: We Built Them

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

RNC truth revealed: “Mad Men Series” Executive Ken® and Socialite Barbie® nominated for First Family; Ayn Alan® and Baby Making Midge® get V.P. nod.

Mattel® delighted.

Tampa, Florida — Mattel® is proud to announce the pending elevation to national office of four members of its best selling Barbie® family.

Executive Ken®, dressed in a designer dark blue suit with flag pin, comes with his own teleprompter and acceptance speech.

Socialite Barbie® is ready to make a heartfelt convention speech of her own (Barbie Heart® sold separately), dressed in a patriotic, red, $2,500 designer dress any ordinary mother and homemaker would love! (Dress and other Socialite Barbie® fashion choices available at your local Oscar De la Renta®’s courtesy of an exclusive licensing agreement).

Thanks to a revolutionary breakthrough in toy technology by the Chinese toymakers at Mattel Labs® – the Empath Chip® (patent pending) – Barbie® and Ken® can understand how “you people” are struggling. Barbie® now feels your pain. She knows how hard it can be to make ends meet: while Ken® attended Harvard®, they had to live off his stock portfolio.

But more importantly, with Mattel®’s optional new Barbie Heart® and Empath Chip® she can talk about love, deep and abiding love, profound love, all kinds of love but especially the love for her children that only a mother can fathom, because everyone else thinks they are vapid, superficial, and self-absorbed twits.

With the Empath Chip®, Executive Ken®, can now say things like “I know people are suffering. Look at me. I’m made of plastic and can’t bend my joints. I can’t even nod my head; I can only swivel it sideways. You think it’s easy being me? You think that having hundreds of millions of dollars in offshore accounts, of paying almost no taxes on income you can only dream about because you’re one of “those people” and not me can ever compensate for having only one expression?”

Or this:

“It’s not my fault I looked happy as I dismantled American companies, shuttered American plants, laid off thousands of American workers, and moved American jobs overseas. I can’t help it. It wasn’t the hundreds of millions of dollars in profits I was making: it’s this damn plastic face.”

Ayn Alan®, packaged with two $350 bottles of wine, comes with multiple faces to fit any situation, including laughing at seniors being handcuffed. His wife, Baby Making Midge®, arrives already pregnant, making her fully compliant with the GOP platform plank that women are pregnant before conception.

Executive Ken® and Ayn Alan® both come with the new Spin-o-matic® (patent pending) – allowing them to make stuff up at a new, record-breaking pace.

Also available in a limited edition collector’s set is Socialite Barbie®’s father, Coal Miner Dad®, which comes complete with the “Business He Built Himself” – including a company safe full of tax dollars the company received from its lucrative contracts with the federal government.

Coming soon:

Rafalca®, Barbie®’s beloved companion and Olympic Equestrian Horse

Ken ‘n Barbie Dream Mansion® line:

California Beachfront Estate® with Car Elevator (Cool Car Caddy® with 2 Pink Cadillacs not included)

New England Colonial Mansion®

Rocky Mountain Ski Slope Chalet®

New England Lakefront Estate®

###

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Posted on September 4, 2012, in Commentary, Other, Politics, Republicans. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I send your hilarious blog to all my crazy friends. They love it! This is hilarous!

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