Best. Worst. Movie. Ever.

I used to think it was Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, which didn’t really qualify because it was intentional and to be a really good bad movie, the first requirement is that it doesn’t know it’s bad.  Like the George W. Bush presidency, it must have delusions of adequacy.

Burlesque is in this category. As is Showgirls. Battlefield Earth. Plan 9 from Outer Space. Any movie starring Clint Eastwood. (I don’t care how much you love “Dirty Harry”, Clint has the emotional range of a grape. And he plays the same character in each one. A squinting, tough as nails, man of few words cop, cowboy, soldier, trainer. Haven’t you noticed?)

I thought I’d seen them all. But I was wrong.

I knew the first 30 seconds of Hercules in New York just how wrong I’d been. This movie was in a class by itself. Not just a new class, this movie took “bad” to a whole new level.

Starring a  young cyborg named Arnold Schwarzenegger (in his film debut) as Hercules and a cast of still unknown for the most part bit character actors, it has to be seen to be believed. Really. From the man in the bear suit, to major characters vanishing from the film with no explanation, to the original movie dubbing over Arnold’s monotone delivery (the original inspiration for The Terminator) with a human voice who could speak English. (Really. Trailer here.) Possibly because of skeptics who questioned whether a Greek demi-god would talk with a heavy Austrian accent.

Beg borrow or steal a copy. In the dubbed and undubbed versions. Get your friends together. Add some popcorn.

It’s more fun than watching Cher try to move her overly taut facial muscles.


Posted on August 19, 2012, in Commentary, Humor, movies, oddities. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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