Fun with Polls!

Tired of answering the phone? Tired of the endless ringing and robo-calls, of the interrupted family dinners? At the end of your rope and don’t know which way to turn?

Well, I’m here to help by showing you how you can “turn” the tables and “turn” those calls into some good clean fun. (See how cleverly I worked that in?)

Right now, millions of homes across the country just like yours are getting calls from pollsters – you know – those jolly folks who just want to know what you think about the issues of the day, especially whether you agree that Barack Hussein Obama is Satan’s son and would you still vote for him if you knew that he is planning to destroy the [United States, continent, planet] galaxy with affordable health care for all and higher taxes on the rich?

Well, most of those pollsters work for imaginary groups like “American Future Fund” – that’s right – imaginary [Can you say “imaginary”? I knew you could.] which are really fronts for right wing conservatives who have hundreds of millions of dollars that they would rather spend on polls and lying, negative attack ads then stimulating the economy or hiring people other than pollsters (because after all what’s the point? They’d just outsource the jobs to China in six months anyway).

And that’s why your phone is ringing. So they can ask you just a few brief questions about your opinions. If it’s a robocall, it’s useless to hang up. The robot keeps talking and pausing until the end. (Even if it’s not a robocall, they just keep talking until they reach the end of their script.) So you might as well give them some answers.

And that’s where the fun starts.  Because you don’t have to tell them what you really believe.

When they start asking questions, you can act like a conservative and just make stuff up.

Because what the right wing really want to know is how successful their lying, negative attack ads have been and if they need more of them.

So they ask neutral, unbiased questions like: if the election were held tomorrow, would you vote for the competent and experienced job creator Mitt Romney or his opponent, the socialist Kenyan Muslim terrorist?

Or this: do you identify yourself as a Republican or as a crazy left wing liberal loony?

The last time I told them I was a rich, retired, fiercely conservative church-going, born-again fundamental Christian Republican who voted for President Obama and would be doing so again because Mitt was an alien from Planet Zyborg.

The time before that I was a 20 year-old male African-American, Green Party atheist who thought lowering taxes on the rich and drilling in the Arctic were the keys to our great nation’s recovery.

Next time I’m going to tell them I’m only voting for Mitt if he puts Michelle Bachmann on the ticket.


Posted on July 23, 2012, in Commentary, conservatives, Humor, Politics, Republicans. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Slimy Liberal Pig Pat

    You totally crack me up! Each blog is better than the last, and that’s saying a lot!

  2. You brought a smile to this old bearded face 🙂

    If I don’t recognize the number I don’t pick up and that’s the blessing with these new phones you don’t have to talk to anybody you don’t want to. Sort of like never being home, not answering and screening you calls all rolled into one. In fact if you call me and don’t leave a message I will most likely not call you back because if it’s important you will leave me a message. These new smart phones I won’t own one because they are smarter than me.

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