Clean Living Kills
I try to live a healthy life, making good choices.
And then I find out it’s going to kill me.
First it was my sunscreen. The stuff that I faithfully apply every morning fifteen minutes before sun exposure and every two hours after that or sooner if I’ve been swimming or perspiring profusely. Because that way I wouldn’t get cancer and die.
Then I read a helpful article and learned all about the chemicals in sunscreen which will, in fact, kill me.
And that was only the beginning. I’m a woman. Which greatly increases the chance that I wear makeup. Being a woman who doesn’t want to frighten small children with her natural appearance increases the odds to 100%. So I wear makeup – the healthy kind that’s good for me.
Then I read a helpful article and learned all about the chemicals in cosmetics which will, in fact, kill me.
But real beauty comes from the inside, which means eating the right foods and making healthy choices. Like eating tomatoes every day because tomatoes are one of the superfoods protecting against diseases such as cancer and helping to assure a long life. So I keep my pantry stocked with a supply of nutritious canned goods, which are so convenient for making fast but healthful meals.
And the helpful article also helpfully points out that the same chemical is in almost all plastics and also in receipts which means that just about everything your food and hands touch is full of the chemical which can kill you.
And it’s not just canned foods. It’s worse than that. I just learned that condiments can be just as deadly.
That’s right, the most essential items in any kitchen, the ones that can save any meal no matter how disgusting, are thriving science experiments. And that ten gallon jar of olives that’s been sitting in your fridge since the Clinton administration? Yup – it’s actually a space colony of bacteria. Maybe dozens of colonies.
According to so-called “experts”, catsup (no matter how you spell it) is only good for six months after opening. But think about it – if that was true why would restaurants keep it around for decades? After all, these are the same loonies who insist that you have to toss that jumbo-size bottle of pickles after only two weeks. Two weeks? Are these people crazy? I paid good money for those pickles. And pickles are packed in vinegar – which is an antiseptic and disinfectant that kills bacteria.
How in the world could the pickles ever go bad? The only preservative that lasts longer is alcohol.
Wait a minute. I think I just had a really great idea.