Earth: Final Conflict
In case you hadn’t already guessed, I’m on the planet Earth. In Wisconsin. USA.
Here in the Dairy State, we’ve been a little busy since Scott Walker was elected governor by the Koch brothers, running on bland promises to create jobs and balance the budget without raising taxes while the Kochs spent millions in negative ads attacking Walker’s opponent, Tom Barrett, as a kitten-killing, tax-and-spend, possibly Muslim, anti-American elitist who would cause a tsunami of economic disaster to sweep across the state leaving only devastation and dead cows in its wake.
So Scotty got elected because nobody wants a tsunami. We all saw what one of those can do in 2012, Deep Impact, The Day After Tomorrow, and The Poseidon Adventure and I think I speak for all of us when I say that the prospect of being stranded in an upside down boat while a comet destroys the planet is not where any of us wanted to be.
But then Scotty got elected, dropped “the bomb“, and we realized the tsunami had struck anyway.
He gave tax breaks of more than $2.3 billion to special interests while slashing funding to local governments and for public education, tried to kick thousands of children off Badger Care, converted 37 high-level, high-paying merit selection state jobs into personal appointees, made himself the final authority over all rules made by any state agency, pushed through a far-right conservative agenda benefiting a select few (who happened to be his campaign donors), converted the state into a “pay to play” system of cronyism, rolled back worker’s rights, women’s rights (including the Equal Pay Enforcement Act), consumer rights, tenant rights, voting rights, homosexual rights, comprehensive sex education, wetland and environmental protections, and killed off what had been a growing wind energy industry. And that was just the beginning. He also lied about not raising taxes (increasing taxes on the poor by $49 million), lied about balancing the budget, and is actually running a $143 million deficit.
But that’s not all. He ended up with the worst job record in the country in 2011, raided the mortgage bank settlement designed to help homeowners by diverting more than $25 million toward his budget deficit, and is at the center of a John Doe criminal investigation into illegal campaign activities which has already resulted in criminal charges against multiple former aides and immunity to several others.
But it’s not his fault.
It’s the fault of the Big Government Union Bosses.
How do I know? Because he keeps saying so. Not just once, but twelve times in one fund raising letter, and fourteen times in another. And on his campaign website. And on his official Wisconsin Governor website. The “Big Government Union Bosses,” “Big Government Unions,”and “Public Employee Union Bosses” are “really in charge” of the recall. I’m even getting phone calls from people hired by PACs that definitely do not coordinate with him telling me that “Big Unions” are railroading Scotty.
This is no ordinary conflict. This is Union Armageddon.
And it’s not just any scary big union bosses that are to blame. It’s big union bosses from the scariest group of all: teachers.
How do I know? Because Scotty keeps telling me so. He mentioned them more than ten times in just five days on his official facebook page and just about once or twice on all other days. But he didn’t mention firefighters or police officers or emergency personnel or public workers or snowplow drivers or sanitation workers. Only teachers.
That’s right, teachers are railroading Scotty. Teachers are to blame for all his problems. Teachers are to blame for all our problems. Teachers are to blame for the global economic meltdown, the Lindberg kidnapping, the extinction of the passenger pigeon, soured milk, and spilled beer.
(Mrs. Higgins just made a gagging sound. I hope she’s all right.)
He told the NRA that he’s their target, because he is the only thing in “their way of getting their hands on money and power.” And we all know that people become teachers because of their insane lust for money and power.
Only Scotty can protect us. He’s not facing a recall because he cut taxes on the richest, raised taxes on the poorest, rolled back rights for most of us and generally did everything possible to help his campaign donors by adopting an agenda that hurts the rest of us. And he’s not being recalled because he’s an amoral liar who out-Nixons Nixon.
Nope. He’s being recalled because he wants to keep the power in the “hands of hard-working taxpayers instead of [a] handful of big govt union bosses” like Mrs. Higgins (who pays taxes but her taxes don’t count because she is a teacher and big govt union boss).
Even as I speak, gangs of Big Government Union Boss teachers armed with grade books and Number 2 pencils are gathering, seeking to recall Scotty and install their personal puppet, Lamb Chop, as governor.
So it’s all about focusing like a laser on keeping teachers the evil scum scapegoats he wants us all to believe they are. Even though they don’t work for the state. So can’t be blamed for the state’s economic woes. Or the deficit.
And to help Walker help us, billionaire David Koch is hard at work. “We’re helping him, as we should. We’ve gotten pretty good at this over the years,” he says. “We’ve spent a lot of money in Wisconsin. We’re going to spend more.”