God to Earth:
Listen people, I need you to cut this crap out. I have a universe to run and contrary to what some tiny, twisted dominionist minds would like to believe, you really are not the only sentient beings in the galaxy. So I’m kinda busy and I’ve really had it up to here (which is a pretty large amount, take my word for it because when I say that, I’ve expanded to the size of a nebula for emphasis).
Let’s get a few things straight so we’re all on the same page.
1. I’m not male, so stop calling me “father.” And I’m not female. I’m a god. We don’t have a gender. If you have trouble with that concept, and have to imagine me as something, think of me as being transgendered. Note to Michelle B. (you know who you are): deal with it. And we need to talk about your husband.
2. I’m not the only one. And none of you have my name right. None of you could pronounce my real name correctly anyway because you only have one mouth. I’m not sure I even like the word “god” which is just “dog” spelled backwards. Of course that’s only in English. Yahweh isn’t too bad but it sounds too much like that game with the dice. Allah is okay I guess and “Great Grand Poobah” is catchy but I’m really not sure. I’ll get back to you on this one.
3. Let’s put a couple of things to bed once and for all. Evolution is real. Seriously, what is it with you people? You really think humans and dinosaurs could co-exist? Are you nuts? The dinosaurs would have eaten you in less than a minute. End of people. What does it take for you to see what’s in front of your face? I mean, it’s not like the scientific evidence isn’t there. Which leads to …
4. Science is real. Stop ignoring it or pretending it’s just one way to look at things. “Creationism” isn’t real. Nor is “intelligent design.” Look into a mirror. You think you’re descended from someone I molded from clay four thousand years ago and a woman I made from his rib? Where do I begin? That’s just crazy talk. It’s not even logical – after all, if you had any sense, you’d have to conclude it was a fairy tale written by someone who may have spent too many days wandering the wilderness under a blazing sun because where did the wives for their sons come from?
5. And that reminds me. They weren’t married. I did not create marriage. You people invented it and believe me, it’s not one of your better ones. And not only did I never create it – I never said (and I’m really not happy about you claiming I did) that marriage was only between a man and a woman. You thought that one up entirely on your own and I suspect it was someone who has an issue with homosexuality because, in case you hadn’t noticed, that happens in other species as well. Try telling a penguin that it’s a “lifestyle choice.”
6. Stop using me (by any name) as an excuse to kill each other. I know this will really torque you fanatics off but your religion is not the best or only true religion – I don’t care which one it is. I’m not into organized religion. I’m not into religion at all. If it offers you some comfort, go with it, but not when it comes to hurting or criticizing people who don’t agree with you or who practice a different faith – or none at all. So stop trying to control or force others to do things your way (Tea Party zealots I’m talking to you). Believe me, your faith is not going to save you. I know. I’m a god.
7. I didn’t dictate the bible. (Who has the time?) I didn’t write the Ten Commandments (Moses found the stone tablets in a “free” box at a garage sale). And I never said that you could use me as an excuse to limit women’s reproductive rights or health care options.
8. And that whole, Jesus is the son of god thing? Let me remind you: I’m not male. I’m not even human. I’m a god. Which logically indicates I probably can’t father human children. (Just saying.) If it comforts you to think otherwise, go with it, but don’t say I misled you on this subject. Jesus certainly set a really good example for others to follow, but I’d like to point out to all those people who claim to be his followers (conservatives I’m talking to you) that very few of you are actually following him. Which gives me a neat segue to …
9. Conservatives. You know who you are. You keep trying to get me all up in your business (i.e. government) and I won’t have it. Let me make one thing perfectly clear … okay more than one thing, but related to each other. You’re humans. You invented government because without it, you’d regress into a primitive shoot to kill random strangers place like Florida. So you have a government. And it’s got a constitution. And you keep trying to put god back into it but god doesn’t want to be there – god wasn’t there in the first place. And if you check your history books (the original editions before you took out all the stuff critical of white people) you’d see that. You added me later. I think Joe McCarthy had a lot to do with it. (Which proves my point about this being a laissez faire job – you think he’d have been born if I had anything to say about it?) So stop trying to put me back into government. I don’t want to be there.
10. Stop blaming everything on me. It makes no sense. What is it with that whole “It’s god’s will” nonsense? This is a strictly “hands off” operation. Bad things happen and I have nothing to do with it. People get sick and injured and die. Lightening strikes. Volcanoes erupt. But you can really improve your chances if you always wear your seat belt, eat right, don’t smoke, exercise, keep your weight down, drink sparingly, look both ways before crossing the street. And cross in cross-walks. And don’t use phones while driving. Or drink and drive. Or do drugs. And listen to weather reports. So the next time your neighbor steps off a curb and gets hit by a bus, don’t say it was “my will.” Say, gee, he really shouldn’t have been texting while walking.
11. The planet is not yours. I didn’t make it for you. You have it by virtue of default and evolution (there it is again!). You aren’t even the most superior species on the planet. You haven’t been here long and the way things are going you might not be here much longer. You have a brain, when are you going to use it? You really think that reproducing irresponsibly (Hello, Duggars!) and over-consuming resources is a good thing? No, I did not authorize this and stop saying I did. Your ice shelves are shrinking and all your glaciers are melting and weather patterns are changing (there’s that science thing again) yet many of you (why do I keep having to mention Conservatives?) still insist that global warming is a hoax. Balloon Boy was a hoax. Learn to tell the difference
12. Back to conservatives again. (You guys are really starting to piss me off – I think you forget that, as a god, I come equipped with the power to smite.) This time the political ones: I don’t talk to you. If I was going to talk to any human it would be a smart, interesting one. Someone like the Dalai Lama. Or maybe Betty White. You really think I have time to talk to every conservative candidate who claims I told him or her to do something? I have a universe to worry about. If I spent all day talking to Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Michelle Bachmann and Newt Gingrich I’d never get anything done. And really, if I was going to talk to them it wouldn’t be to tell them to run for office
And then there’s that annoyingly deluded little popinjay in Wisconsin who thinks I have a plan for him. But then he also thinks I talk to him. And that I told him who to marry. Nope – not in my job description. Seriously – I didn’t tell you to run. I don’t talk to you. And you can’t keep taking my name in vain. You can’t afford the royalties. And I’m strictly non-partisan, but since I believe in evolution, science, the big bang, women’s rights (including reproductive ones) and leaving me out of government, you can probably guess I tend to be progressive.
Seriously people, can’t you handle this one on your own? Don’t make me come down there.