Before the internet was invented, I never knew how many friendly people there were in the world. In fact, one of the best features of the internet is how it lets thousands of complete strangers, strangers I have never met, tell me how much they want to have sex with me.
I receive many kind and thoughtful invitations every day. For example, “Local HookUp” sent me this: “Subject: You Have Been Invited To Hook Up For Sex,” while at the same time, “Someone on the ‘Facebook’ of sexy dating” is looking for me. Or how about an opportunity like this? “Final chance to go to a Swingers Party – Hello, Did you know that there are swinger’s parties all of the time?”
I didn’t know, thank you, and much preferred it that way.
A large number of these friendly people seem to not know two critical details: 1) I am a woman; and 2) I am straight.
In one day I received this:
“Women that love Threesom.
Sleep with 2 women at the same time this week – Our Threesome Dating Community is looking for new members like you that want to have threesomes …”
“Sleep with sexual college women – We would like to invite you to join our Sugar Daddy dating community today!”
“Someones wife needs your attention – We wanted to let you know as soon as possible that someone’s wife needs your attention …”
“Married women looking to sleep with new people – Married Women Looking to have sexual encounters!”
This friendly group doesn’t include the helpful people who want me to be able to have sex as often as I wish.
Griffintthomas1977@yahoo.com wrote me about “Trusted:SexualPenisPills.” CanadianPharmacy is offering “Viagra©-Cia1is©-Levitra©-8O%-0ff” while “Best-Penis” wanted to tell me about “Max-Gentleman*Enlargement*Pills.” Perhaps that is what firstname.lastname@example.org was referring to in his email about “forget about sexual rest.” Or I could listen to the sound advice from email@example.com and “BUY NOW VIAGRA CIALIS !!!”
And if that doesn’t work, I can always use “7 of the Most Powerful Opening Lines for Prospecting.”
But I can’t help thinking that all these friendly people would get discouraged and stop sending me these emails – unless someone, somewhere, is hitting “reply” and ordering that “New Mind Control Video!!!” Or couldn’t resist the “Hard to resist bonus offers at Lucky Cash Club.”
But seriously – dudes – some of you actually respond to this stuff? You do realize that the person writing you is not really “Denise Richards” but is some guy at a keyboard in some country you can’t pronounce who hasn’t bathed in three weeks and lives with a goat?
You knew that, right?