Attention Parental Units
You have reproduced. Congratulations. Now this may come as a surprise, but you aren’t finished yet.
It seems that some of you are unaware that human offspring do not become autonomous beings at birth. Unlike sea turtles, people babies do not hatch, dig themselves out of the sand, and then race to the water without stopping to ponder the great mysteries of the universe such as where they came from if only because if they did something would eat them. They also do not spring, full grown, from Zeus’s brow.
Instead, human children require a prolonged period of supervision and oversight to develop into responsible, self-sustaining adults.
The normal expectation is that you, the parent, will provide the necessary supervision and oversight.
This means it is inappropriate to drop said children off at the mall telling them you’ll be back in 12 hours. Or the public library. Or at any tempting location except their school during normal school hours (and only on days when school is in session).
This limitation also includes the YMCA. Yes we know that the YMCA is a family friendly place. And we know the YMCA has many activities for human children, healthy activities, activities which help build character.
Frankly my dear, we don’t give a damn.
When we go to the YMCA, we go there for a purpose. That purpose does not include being trampled by a herd of shrieking, unsupervised 8 year-olds running amok. If we wish to be trampled, we will go on safari in Africa where we can throw ourselves in front of a panicked herd of galloping, wild-eyed wildebeests.
We would like to remind parental units that being in the same city – nay – even being in the same building – is not providing the necessary parental supervision and oversight, which requires the parent to actually be able to view the child (keeping in mind this is a primary component of “vision” and “sight”) unless said child is participating in an activity with adequate non-parental adult supervision.
Parents may also be required to act in the unlikely event that their child commits any transgressions, which we understand is nigh on impossible because of course said child is perfect and can do no wrong.
It also means teaching your offspring (even though they are perfect and can do no wrong) that in public places running, pushing, shoving, hopping, jumping, sprinting – in fact, anything beside a sedate stroll is not advisable. Please remind them that maid service will not be available outside their home, so removing articles of clothing and abandoning them in the middle of hallways is not acceptable and may result in non-parental units picking up said clothing – complete with iphones/ipads/any other expensive technology still in the pockets – and accidentally dropping them down the nearest trash chute.
Due to the lack of maid service, they will also have to flush toilets after use and place trash inside (not outside) the trash container.
Thank you. And if anyone wants their iphone back, they might check the bottom of trash chute #3.