The Koch Brothers’ Bible Thumpin’ Rootin’ Tootin’ Revival Meetin’ Machine

Ladeeeez and Gentlemen, step right up, step right up. Listen and learn. I know you’ve been suffering. I feel your pain. You’ve felt lost and alone, not knowing which way to turn in these troubled times, times in which, through no fault of your own, you may be struggling to survive.

Well, I’m here to let you know that you’ve come to the right place. There are thousands, yea, millions of people just like you, all looking for answers to what troubles them. And this is your lucky day because we, the people at the Club for American Heritage Growth and Prosperity, hold in our hands the very answers which you seek including telling you who is to blame.

You’re frightened. And you should be. Not only our country, but our entire way of life is under attack, threatened by people who want to destroy us simply because we are the greatest nation that has ever existed. But we are only great – will only be great – when we remain true to the values of our Founding Fathers. And we know what those values are. Or were. Because those values are whatever we say they are. Why? Because we know that history, unlike the Ten Commandments, was not carved in stone. Which means that we can change history, literally remake it into whatever we wish it had been or anything else that suits us.

And right now what suits us is to say that the Founding Fathers believed in small government and personal liberty. Except for reproductive liberty. Then we need less liberty and more government intrusion. But other than that we need to eliminate government regulations and burdensome taxes on the rich, for the rich are the Job Creators. And the Founding Fathers knew that regulations and taxes kill jobs and keep the free market from working as it should to allow the Job Creators to earn greater profits  and keep the country prosperous and on the right track under God, so long as those tracks carry no high speed trains.

Because the Founding Fathers were all God-fearing white Christians who spoke English and expected all Americans to do likewise. So they built this nation as a God-fearing white Christian, English speaking country and they would have put that in the Constitution but they didn’t think they needed to. They never could have envisioned how far astray we have traveled from their ideals, where women demand equal pay and schools offer bilingual education and homosexuals think they should have the same rights as normal people.

But you are not one of the many who have abandoned personal responsibility in favor of entitlements. Because of us, you believe in the right to work and know that social security is a Ponzi scheme and your retirement funds should be handled by Wall Street investment firms. And that the best health care is the one the government doesn’t control.

Yes, you are among friends; you are among family. We welcome you with open arms and reassure you with soothing words, just like your mother did when you were a child frightened by the bogeyman hiding in your closet. The only difference is that this time the bogeyman is real.

My friend, he’s as real as you and me and he has a dark army of union thugs behind him which must be stopped at any cost. You know who he is. Yes, the head bogeyman is none other than that liberal socialist Democrat Muslim Kenyan extremist in the White House, Barack Hussein Obama. Why do we say that? Because we want to and it works. You believe it without question even though we just make this stuff up and you don’t really know what socialism is.

Well I’ll tell you what it is: it’s a bad thing. It means the government wants to take everything away from you including your guns and the right to choose your own doctor. You’ll have death panels deciding to set you adrift on an ice floe instead of our free market system which gives you the freedom to die when you can’t afford the life-saving medical treatment you need. A government that forces you to wear seat belts and deprives you of your God given right to pump your sewage into the water supply and drive off a cliff if you want to because it should be your decision in an unregulated free market society so help you God.

So we need to take back our country from the liberal socialist Democrats who want to tax and spend us into oblivion, the same socialists who believe people descended from chimpanzees and spread the myth that “climate change” and “global warming” are responsible for the increasingly deadly hurricanes and storms and tornadoes and floods and fires and droughts and heat, when we all know that no one has ever shown carbon dioxide is dangerous or else why would they put it into fire extinguishers? Because we know that God, who is on our side, is just sending a message that they are on the wrong path and need to turn back to the Lord and let us drill, baby, drill, because the righteous shall prevail but only with your generous support so send your donation to the Club for American Heritage Growth and Prosperity and we will spend it as we see fit and you’ll never know exactly how but you’ll sleep easier knowing that we have our best interests at heart.


Posted on September 10, 2011, in Commentary, government, Humor, Koch Brothers, Politics, Republicans. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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